1.31.2007
Not so bad
So it's really cold here. I know it's cold elsewhere. But it's also cold here. This evening I was walking to inner campus, and a girl drove up and asked me if I needed a ride. I'd never met this girl before. I've never even seen her before. Maybe not all of mankind is so bad.
1.29.2007
The Real Me
I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am and who I want to be. I want to be a person who is selfless; who has the calm but confident spirit about her. Someone who you can hear God in every syllable of every word. I want to be quiet but approachable. I want to be warm, open, and vulnerable. I want to be a combination of all the women I look up to in my life.
But who am I right now? Can we say, "none of the above"? I don't feel like I am any of those. Maybe I desire those qualities because they're everything I'm not. But even things like selflessness, which isn't a personality trait, I feel so far from. I actually feel like I was closer to it in the past. Recently I was going through old Word files on my computer. I found the one a friend wrote about me and how I had a profound effect on his life. It filled me with feelings of gratitude, humbleness, and excitement all over again. But, would anyone write a paper like that about me now? I doubt it. I feel like I'm not changing anyone's life for the better. Can I really have regressed from high school to college? I think in a lot of ways people are figuring out who I really am - the tarnished, imperfect sinner that I am - and are getting used to it. I'm losing my facade, and I'm also losing my journey toward truly being what that facade was. I've become complacent - again - and I feel its effects are very visible to those who know me. I want to stop it all, but I feel this overwhelming sense of a lack of time and a lack of faith and confidence in myself and God. Can the "real me" be changed?
"'After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.' Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the Lord. -Jeremiah 31:19-20
But who am I right now? Can we say, "none of the above"? I don't feel like I am any of those. Maybe I desire those qualities because they're everything I'm not. But even things like selflessness, which isn't a personality trait, I feel so far from. I actually feel like I was closer to it in the past. Recently I was going through old Word files on my computer. I found the one a friend wrote about me and how I had a profound effect on his life. It filled me with feelings of gratitude, humbleness, and excitement all over again. But, would anyone write a paper like that about me now? I doubt it. I feel like I'm not changing anyone's life for the better. Can I really have regressed from high school to college? I think in a lot of ways people are figuring out who I really am - the tarnished, imperfect sinner that I am - and are getting used to it. I'm losing my facade, and I'm also losing my journey toward truly being what that facade was. I've become complacent - again - and I feel its effects are very visible to those who know me. I want to stop it all, but I feel this overwhelming sense of a lack of time and a lack of faith and confidence in myself and God. Can the "real me" be changed?
"'After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.' Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the Lord. -Jeremiah 31:19-20
1.14.2007
"I accept you"
My birthday was this past Tuesday. I turned 20. And with the nifty little birthday reminder on Facebook, I was bombarded with facebook wall messages wishing me a happy birthday. It was very exciting; each time I came back to my room I'd check my facebook for more messages. I counted around 40 messages, plus I few emails, phone calls, and many in-person birthday wishes. This is fun. Birthday wishes make me feel very special. That evening my friends and I got together and after supper we went to get pie from Bakers Square. I got to wear the Birthday Girl crown. We just sat and laughed and took pictures and enjoyed our amazing pie.
This weekend our group of friends got together and made some memories that will last forever. Friday night John, Kellie, and I wanted to watch Little Miss Sunshine. But with the annoyingness of lobbies and the lack of open dorms, we made our own space by sitting in the back of John's car and putting the laptop on the console. We snuggled in and had no problems hearing our movie and no distractions (besides maybe being a little cold). After the movie was over, we were inspired to dance in the cold rain like a Super Freak (seen the movie?).
Saturday night the "group" got together and we played Picture Telephone. Again, memories I will never forget. The Red Room was extremely quiet except for the 7 of us having problems breathing because we were laughing so much. I hope we make that game a regular part of our times together. With all of our horrible drawing skills yet very precise writing (not spelling, however) skills and our morbid minds, we will never forget the super ninja and his nunchucks, the anorexic rabbit, and the meat cleaver with jaws of death.
So I have my extensive list of friends who wish me a happy birthday, over half of whom I haven't held a 5+ minute conversation within the last, oh, 3 months. It's very nice that they remember me and write on my wall, but really, how much is that worth? It makes me sad when I go home and see people or come back to college and see people and think, "Hmm, remember when I was friends with that person?" Remember when that person knew what was going on in my life and I knew what was going on in theirs? Remember when that person cared about what was going on in my life? Then, there are the people that I hang out with now. Whether at home or at school, these are the people that are here to stay. Today at Denny's we saw a group of elderly people eating lunch and Amanda said, "When we're old, can we do that?" Though that's asking a lot that we all stay in the same place, it's still something that we would do, if we were in the same place at any time, and something I can see us doing for a long time after college.
In high school I used to spread myself so thin. I was friends with basically every group there was in my high school and enjoyed hanging out with many in those groups. Even now I like finding people on facebook and I'm always super excited to meet new people. But what do I do with new people? I hang out with them for the semester that we have a class together, and then I basically never see them again. We remain in contact by exchanging birthday wishes. Or a smile when we cross paths. Though this is very frustrating to me, I really don't want to be tight with every person I have on facebook. I like my group of 7 or so. They accept me. They know the in's and out's of me. They know what I like and don't like. They know my moods, and they know that I want quality time with people more than I want fancy birthday wishes. They know I'm a "postmodern liberal" and a Nazarene and lots of other things all wrapped up. They know how darn complicated I am and make things. But they accept me. They know me and accept me. I have no worries of being judged by them because I know they're the same as me. Tonight I was sad and venting to John about a situation and he responded with the title of this blog: "I accept you." It was all that I needed. With the stress of starting new classes and meeting new people and figuring out new situations, being accepted is what I need. And not just from a boyfriend, but from all my close friends. That's exactly what they give me, and what I work to return to them as much as possible.
Birthday wishes are nice. But quality time with people who know you? Perfect.
This weekend our group of friends got together and made some memories that will last forever. Friday night John, Kellie, and I wanted to watch Little Miss Sunshine. But with the annoyingness of lobbies and the lack of open dorms, we made our own space by sitting in the back of John's car and putting the laptop on the console. We snuggled in and had no problems hearing our movie and no distractions (besides maybe being a little cold). After the movie was over, we were inspired to dance in the cold rain like a Super Freak (seen the movie?).
Saturday night the "group" got together and we played Picture Telephone. Again, memories I will never forget. The Red Room was extremely quiet except for the 7 of us having problems breathing because we were laughing so much. I hope we make that game a regular part of our times together. With all of our horrible drawing skills yet very precise writing (not spelling, however) skills and our morbid minds, we will never forget the super ninja and his nunchucks, the anorexic rabbit, and the meat cleaver with jaws of death.
So I have my extensive list of friends who wish me a happy birthday, over half of whom I haven't held a 5+ minute conversation within the last, oh, 3 months. It's very nice that they remember me and write on my wall, but really, how much is that worth? It makes me sad when I go home and see people or come back to college and see people and think, "Hmm, remember when I was friends with that person?" Remember when that person knew what was going on in my life and I knew what was going on in theirs? Remember when that person cared about what was going on in my life? Then, there are the people that I hang out with now. Whether at home or at school, these are the people that are here to stay. Today at Denny's we saw a group of elderly people eating lunch and Amanda said, "When we're old, can we do that?" Though that's asking a lot that we all stay in the same place, it's still something that we would do, if we were in the same place at any time, and something I can see us doing for a long time after college.
In high school I used to spread myself so thin. I was friends with basically every group there was in my high school and enjoyed hanging out with many in those groups. Even now I like finding people on facebook and I'm always super excited to meet new people. But what do I do with new people? I hang out with them for the semester that we have a class together, and then I basically never see them again. We remain in contact by exchanging birthday wishes. Or a smile when we cross paths. Though this is very frustrating to me, I really don't want to be tight with every person I have on facebook. I like my group of 7 or so. They accept me. They know the in's and out's of me. They know what I like and don't like. They know my moods, and they know that I want quality time with people more than I want fancy birthday wishes. They know I'm a "postmodern liberal" and a Nazarene and lots of other things all wrapped up. They know how darn complicated I am and make things. But they accept me. They know me and accept me. I have no worries of being judged by them because I know they're the same as me. Tonight I was sad and venting to John about a situation and he responded with the title of this blog: "I accept you." It was all that I needed. With the stress of starting new classes and meeting new people and figuring out new situations, being accepted is what I need. And not just from a boyfriend, but from all my close friends. That's exactly what they give me, and what I work to return to them as much as possible.
Birthday wishes are nice. But quality time with people who know you? Perfect.
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