Umbrellas, Bike rides, and Calculus

It's been a rainy day. Just all around. It drizzled for most of the morning, which started very early for me. I spent my morning in drab classrooms with tired teachers and tired students and dreary weather looming outside. Then my afternoon was spent in more trying classes. In American Government the prof introduced the new section with a true story he had heard personally from a woman who was a victim of sex trafficking as a child in Texas, tricked away from her family in Mexico. We spent the entire 50 minutes going into the physical pain, the emotional numbness, and spiritual questioning she went through. Then I went to Christian Scriptures II and watched the last half of the Jesus Film, thus seeing yet again in gruesome detail the crucifixion of Jesus. And as a person who is intensely affected by the pain of others, it was rough to take those in one after another. I've been thinking about why I was made this way. Why do I have such problems dealing with violence and pain that others can handle with ease? Why do things hurt me so much when I just see it on a movie or hear a story retold second hand? Why do things hurt me deeply that I have absolutely no experience with, like rape or verbal abuse. I've been thinking about these things and what role this is going to play in my life. Is there a reason God gave me these traits?

Anyway, as I went into Christian Scriptures knowing what was ahead I pulled out my calculus final. I'm finishing up independent study the calculus III class I started in the summer before my mission trip. The history major next to me who had just come from American Government too admitted that he wished he had some math to do just because it was easier to deal with. It's true. It was a relief to do math. Maybe that's why I like it so much. It's a break from all emotion (except frustration sometimes ;) ). I can become so easily detached from any stress from the day when I'm working on a homework problem, or this take-home final. When Jesus was getting tortured on the screen in front of me, I could look down at my math problem and find something I could deal with. Something I could control and depend on to not make me hurt. I know this is not a good solution for basically any given real life situation. I suppose I need to feel it when something hurts. I need to face head on the emotions that come at thoughts and pictures of the crucifixion, or a child being raped incessantly. But what happens then? While sitting in Christian Scriptures, there was nothing I could do. But calculus. Calculus I could do. So I did. I finished my final. Something was done.

This seems like a dreary day with not a positive aspect to it. But that's not at all true. Because although I had lost my umbrella months ago, just this weekend I bought a pretty blue one for such a time as this. Amanda and I argued whether her new red purse was more useful at cheering you up than my blue umbrella. I'm in full support of my umbrella. The day starts out worse, so it's easy to go up with a pretty umbrella. When the drizzle turned into a rain, I pulled out my bright umbrella and sang a song from Singin' In The Rain.

And ya know, the sun did come out later. After my afternoon classes were over John and I went for a bike ride. His dad brought up 2 bikes for him last weekend, so I get to use one sometimes. We rode around campus, me trying to remember how to go in a straight line and him doing willies all over the place. He let me keep one of the bikes for tonight so when I had to come back onto campus I didn't have to walk through the puddles. It's amazing what a bike ride with someone you love can do to blow away all your worries and stresses.

Tonight I rode my bike to math lab, where I help students who have troubles with their math homework. This has been a somewhat stressful job, as we are put under a lot of pressure to know all of the answers to all of the questions in all of the subjects covered at the snap of a finger. For all 20-some students that come in at a time. For 2 hours solid. Though I have not succeeded at living up to the genius of one of the other workers, I can answer some questions. I can pull out basic trig; I do know limits, and I do know compound interests. Though the pressure put on from the higher-ups is tiring and unfair, the rewards that come from successfully helping students with their math homework is overwhelming. I thought I would hate this job; many students have asked why in the world we would want to work this job. But every time something clicks for someone that hadn't clicked before, I know I'm where I need to be. I'm not perfect and I have to work with the other TA on some subjects, but things get done, and I feel good about it. And when I can tell Calc I students that I am finishing Calc III and voluntarily a math ed major, it warms my heart to see their disbelief and respect. I like this job. I like this career. And I like calculus.

I would chalk this up as a good day. The rain meant I got to use my new umbrella. The pain just made me appreciate the love that surrounds me, and the simple things like a bike to carry me through the puddles. The struggles with employers and hard problems fade when compared to the joy of helping a student and the contentment that comes with a right answer. Yeah, it's a good day.