I feel old. I'm a few months under 21, and I feel old. I already feel myself looking at some people and saying, "Yeah, I remember when I was there. I really wish you knew what I know now" but at the same time knowing that they won't listen to me the same way that I probably wouldn't have listened to someone if they told me the same thing. Lessons like "you will make it through" and "worrying doesn't do a thing" and "that person is really not worth your time" and "God does provide" don't mean a thing until you learn it for yourself. It's a weird feeling to see people and actually probably knowing what's best for them, but knowing that that doesn't do either of us a whole lot of good. I guess I'm just growing up. I don't know how I feel about that though. This whole adulthood thing, is it really all it's cracked up to be? I told someone last night in Math Lab that I think a good upper division math class is all it takes to make you wish you were in high school again. Oh to be in high school where you can be ignorant of the real world and get by fine.
I think I understand a bit this quarter-life crisis thing. How to let go of adolescence and truly embrace adulthood? Erikson's 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development say that my crisis right now is Intimacy vs. Isolation. Do I choose relationships and love or myself and work? Right now as 3 tests, a paper, and an exegesis hang over my head for the next 1 1/2 weeks, I would absolutely love to choose exclusively relationships. :) But, alas, my classes require me to somehow balance them all. I have friends coming up to visit this weekend, which means I am only left with early Friday evening and late Sunday night to do an entire weekend's worth of homework. It is tempting to cancel the visit so I can keep up, and maybe (gasp!) get a little ahead. I could work non-stop the entire weekend and get good grades and pass everything with flying colors and get everything done that everyone has asked of me. Intimacy vs. Isolation. Is it okay to risk some grades that could put my GPA in jeopardy that could potentially dictate my job opportunities, all to spend time with some friends? Of course, this is a ridiculous question. Relationships will always remain a priority when conflicting with sometimes made-up career pressures. Yet isn't this a debate every college student has to face? It's in the balance that harmony is found, yet it's in searching for that balance that I feel old. I have to make life-altering decisions a lot it seems. I choose John over an hour of grading papers. I choose sleep over studying more. I choose lunch with homework over lunch with friends. What will I miss when I make these decisions? Will someone not get my support who needs it? Will my Calc class get frustrated that I don't get their papers back fast enough? I feel like I am constantly hanging in the balance, choosing between what I want, what I really need, what others want, what others really need. All of this just makes me tired. And makes me feel old. What happens when I choose others needs over my own? Will anyone choose my needs? I have learned the lesson that "I will make it through." Yet, sometimes I wonder, just a little bit, if that is always true. Will I really get everything done while still being a good roommate, a good girlfriend and friend, a good TA, a good education student? What goes first if I have to choose? Well, the first thing to go is always blog time. ;-)
No more choices. Can I stop?
Nope. Not an option. I am an adult, and I have to make responsible choices. Compromises and failures will happen. But that's how it goes. The greatest choice I've made though is that in favor of intimacy over isolation. Maybe I have to make choices a lot, but if my choices keep relationships as a priority, I think making choices will get easier. Or maybe they will keep getting harder. I'm hoping they'll feel easier though because I have continued supporting others who will return that support when I need it. I'm sure someone older than me knows the cliche that is learned through this lesson. I'll learn it well enough eventually. =)
My choice now: homework. Thanks for reading my tangent. =)
