The World of Sondra

Reflection

2009-04-21T13:21:00.004-05:00

Well, I am totally done. I even had my Portfolio interview today -- the final step in the process. Now it's on to job applications and interviews. But before I go there, let me share with you my reflection from student teaching and my 4 years as a college student:

My journey toward becoming a math teacher formally started halfway through my freshman year of college, but the preparation began long before. From tutoring friends to student teaching, this journey has been full of lessons learned and major milestones crossed. Looking back now, I see those lessons and milestones clearly.

As a freshman in college, I changed my major into the education department when I finally realized that I was going to be a teacher no matter what I did; I figured I might as well get paid for it. I chose math education based on the fact that I always did my math homework first and I was taking calculus for fun at the time. There was no great revelation or calling; rather, a realization of who I am and what I am made to be. I had been a teacher all my life; I informally and formally tutored most of my friends through all of junior high and high school in most every subject. I taught piano lessons when the community piano teacher moved away. I had always found that I learned best by teaching and I compulsively taught my friends and family anything I found interesting. I was comfortable with being in front of people, whether it was performing in the school musicals, leading music at church, or being in charge of children at Vacation Bible School or camp. Not only was I a teacher inherently, but I always strived to make a difference in the lives of those around me who were my age or younger.

Once I became an education major, I felt more at home at Olivet. I could pursue math courses freely – for more than just fun – and could begin learning the ins and outs of education. My education classes were informative and enjoyable. I found a lot of camaraderie, particularly with the other math education majors. I also found professors in both departments that were supportive and encouraging. I began forming my teaching philosophy, relying fully on my experiences in high school in traditional, teacher-centered classrooms. At that point, I only knew that to be the option in an advanced math classroom.

As I worked through the math requirements for secondary education, I realized how much emphasis the math department put on getting the fullest understanding of mathematics to prepare me for the future. I took Discrete Math as a freshman and it was the first class that taught me how to think like a mathematician. It taught me proofs and truth tables and patterns. It challenged me in a way no other math class had before with its unique course material. I took two or more math classes each semester through to senior year and became immersed in mathematical scholarship. Though much more mathematically advanced than anything I would teach in high school, I enjoyed the challenges these classes brought and how thorough my mathematical foundation became. It not only taught me high level math, it also opened my eyes to the realms of possibilities that arise when math is taken beyond the elementary level. It taught me application for that lower math – preparing me for the inevitable “When am I ever going to use this?” – and taught me that good grades take a lot of hard work, another life lesson to share with my students.

As a sophomore I had my first practicum at King Middle School in Kankakee. Working as the only female and only white person in this after school program, I learned very quickly the importance of knowing how to interact in a diverse classroom. My teacher, also a black male, taught me a lot about the range of possibilities of home life for these sixth graders, along with how to keep a firm sense of authority. He told me to not smile very much and to work to gain their respect immediately. Though his teaching style was very different than my own ideas, he helped to prepare me for my future classrooms.

Though I learned about a diverse classroom in Kankakee, I learned how to interact in different cultures in Africa. The summer between my sophomore and junior year I had an invaluable opportunity to spend two months in French-speaking West Africa, in the countries of Benin and Togo. I learned French on the fly, prepared for the culture by reading encyclopedia articles and short fictional stories from West African authors. While there, I daily taught masses of adults and children games, like Little Sally Walker and Duck, Duck, Goose, and songs, like “If You’re Happy and You Know It” and “Hallelujah, Praise Ye the Lord.” This experience taught me the art of pulling from your resources to fill any left over time. It taught me how to communicate with people whom I did not understand and who did not understand me. While assisting the Peace Corps in a camp for pre-teen girls, I learned the value of human rights and education. I heard stories of these girls being forced into sexual intercourse by their teachers to receive the grades that they deserved by their merit alone. I came to a truer sense of understanding of the prominence education should take in every society around the globe. Though for many people this would serve as a calling to bring about that education outside of their home country, for me it solidified my sense of calling to my own country. We have a good foundation of education, yes, but the passion and appreciation for that in America has all but died in our high schools. This experience, though not directly related to teaching, taught me new passions and focused my resolve to teach in America.

Junior year of college I took a class that helped me along the way as an educator, though it was neither an education nor math class. American Government proved to be an important transition class as I learned from my African experience. We spent countless class sessions talking about social justice, locally and abroad. In some books we read, I felt a guilt complex for not wanting to go back to Africa and stay. Through reading, discussing, and writing papers, I worked through this feeling and gained confidence in where I felt I should go. It seems to be a trend in the education world to have a call to the inner city or third world countries; however, I feel called to the rural setting. These students need a positive influence just as much as inner city students do. I am not opposed to reaching beyond a culture that I am comfortable in, but I feel I can do the best in a culture I know. I know the struggles, the poverty, the pressures, and the indifference to education that comes in many rural settings. I know I can use my lessons learned from Africa no matter where I am. American Government gave me an opportunity to define my calling and give me confidence that I am not just being lazy or that my calling is any less important; because of this class, I now feel assured to accept any destination as a place where I can make a difference.

My last practicum was one that served as a breaker of my teaching philosophy. I previously only saw math as teacher-centered and lecture-based. At Bradley-Bourbonnais Community High School, I learned that math can be taught as student-centered, cooperative learning, discovery-based. In this classroom, students were always in groups, working together through a lesson. The teacher walked around and addressed questions of the group as a whole, rather than individual. Each person in the group had a role to play to ensure the group members were learning. Students participated in hands on activities, while the teacher used newer technology as a great asset in his classroom. This taught me that the possibilities are endless – even in a math classroom. This changed my teaching philosophy to include a range of teaching styles, allowing room for teacher-centered and student-centered.

During my last semester of college, I completed my student teaching at Central High School. I taught Advanced Algebra, Pre-Calculus, and Calculus to students ranging ninth to twelfth grade. Central runs on block schedule, meaning I had four 90-minute class periods, with an A day and B day. In the advanced math classroom, I had a unique and challenging experience.

First, I faced a challenge academically. With Pre-Calculus, I was teaching some lessons that I had rarely used or seen in five years. Further, my pre-calculus experience in high school was lacking and did not prepare me to use many of those tools in my upper math classes. In my student teaching, I found myself teaching lessons on subjects that I had to teach to myself the week before. This was a struggle that disappointed me, but I learned quickly and my students never knew the difference. Because I had a strong enough general mathematics foundation, adapting my understanding to the more specific lessons, even if I had little previous knowledge, allowed me to go on with ease. In Calculus, however, things worked a little differently. Knowing that I would be teaching Calculus, I only felt prepared for that as long as I did not have to teach Related Rates – the dreaded word problems of Calculus. I had avoided comprehension of these types of problems through a high school year and three college semesters of calculus. Now, finally, I was faced with teaching them. I frantically tried to teach myself – to no avail – the week before. Conveniently, my cooperating teacher is an excellent teacher and removed even my mental block against these problems. I did confess to my students that I had just finally understood these problems before I taught it to them, but it had a useful effect of letting them know the difficulty level. They worked hard and showed more comprehension of these problems than I had in the last four years. These lessons may have shown my students that I did not know everything, but it did show them that I was human and willing to continue my learning.

Most student teachers are probably not challenged academically. Mentally, emotionally, physically, yes; academically, no. However, it was a welcome challenge to me. Still, the challenges came in other forms, like keeping classroom management.

My cooperating teacher, Ms. Carol Davidson, runs a strict classroom. Students know to respect her and she can calm a pending storm in her classroom with just a few words. Students learn to work hard and stay organized in her class, whether they like it or not. She demands much of her students, and she prepares them for their future in ways that they will not fully realize until after school. Picking up and maintaining a classroom like this comes with advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, when I took over the classes, I was constantly surprised at how polite and studious they were. On the other hand, because I was not nearly as effective with my words as Carol was, students soon loosened up and I had classroom management issues that Carol had avoided. I learned quickly (and yet too late) that it is incorrect to assume that students will stay “trained” on the rules and procedures of the classroom if they are not enforced in the same way as before. However, I can learn only so much in such little time. I adapted to the rules and procedures and management practices of my classroom, but the transition time was too much for a few students. I worked to keep the class the same and run it as smoothly as possible, and succeeded for the most part. Still, there were students who found their opportunity to shine, and I spent the rest of the semester trying to train those few again. Overall, I was blessed with a very balanced classroom, with both strict rules and relaxed conversation; however, maintaining that balance was the theme of the semester.

Along with maintaining that balance, I learned some other lessons along the way. I learned that first and foremost I need to earn my students’ respect. In some instances, that is done by sharing with them more about who I am and where I am from. In other instances, that is keeping well defined rules that are enforced with consequences if not followed. In other instances, it is rising above the situation; while other times I need to respond swiftly and pointedly to remind students of the respect that must always be shown. Again, it is maintaining the balance. I also learned a life lesson about the teaching profession. I found that every teacher must struggle with two things: the idea that people should always listen to them, and the belief that no one really is. In the classroom this is a struggle because it leads to pessimism and distrust of the students. In every other part of one’s life, it leads to a superiority complex and more pessimism. Spending the whole day expecting students to listen to you and holding them accountable if they are not, makes it difficult to avoid finishing off the day doing the same thing with your friends and family. I had to work this semester to suppress the thoughts that I was entitled to respect from strangers even though I spent the whole day being entitled to it just because I was a teacher. How do people who spend the work day telling people what to do avoid carrying that into their homes? Probably many people do not avoid it; I must start now to work against it. By seeing my classroom as an opportunity for even the teacher to work toward earning respect from the students, I can remember that I must earn respect wherever I am.

Though there were struggles and challenges, the time spent with these students proved invaluable. The conversations, the questions, the sharing of laughter, the support as I went through my student teaching made all the hardships seem miniscule. As a closure for my time with my students, I asked them to fill out evaluations for me. My university and cooperating supervisors had critiqued my teaching plenty, but what about the ones who were there on a daily basis? I used the Olivet evaluation form, so they knew that this was official and important. They went through the checklist and then left comments to accompany their assessments. The most common “needs improvement” mark was in the categories of “keeps students on task” and “maintains student orderliness.” This supported what I knew to be true, but it was good to have their opinion. Some of their comments were helpful, while others were just humorous. Either way, I felt they reflected the atmosphere of my time in their classroom well. Here are some of the highlights:

[See last post!]

Whether it was encouragement or constructive criticism, I greatly appreciated the feedback from my students. My time in this classroom benefited me greatly as I prepare for my future as a teacher. Going into the semester, I was not clear on whether I would teach right out of college, but after spending time with these students, I feel encouraged to begin my time in my own classroom. I learned an infinite amount of lessons to apply to my own life and to my teaching career; I found resolution in my teaching philosophies; I formed bonds with students and staff that helped to form who I will become as a teacher. After four years as a math education student, I am ready to become the math teacher.

Finishing Up

2009-03-31T16:35:00.003-05:00

This has been a whirlwind! I'm done writing lesson plans; I'm done with Illinois Standards; I'm done ever teaching lessons, though I'm still in charge of Pre-Calculus for one more day. They reviewed today and then are taking a test on Thursday. No more teaching! For now. =)

The most exciting part of finishing up m student teaching is that I decided to have my kids evaluate me. I gave them the same form as everyone else has filled out about me (Dr. Brown, Ms. Davidson). I've collected them all into a binder to keep. They filled out a check list and scored me on a scale of "Needs Improvement" to "Exceeds Expectations." There was also room for comments on the side. The biggest thing they counted me down on was "Keeps students on task." It's nice that they say the same things that I say about myself. I know this to be true; I know this is a result of me being too nice when I started. I also handsome really constructive and positive comments. I wanted to share some of them with you!

"Ms. Lynn! You have been a great teacher to us! You handled us very well and kept us under control most of the time. It's been great having you here with us. I wish you nothing but success in the rest of your life and I know you will do it. You have a great personality and are very easy to get along with. It was nice to be able to be in your class." -Pre-Calculus student, 8th hr

"You're so pretty it was hard to concentrate." -Advanced Algebra stuent, 3rd hr

"You did a really good job teaching our class. I learned a lot and I even had fun sometimes even though I don't like math. You were very responsible, and it was really cool that you knew all our names when you first started so that you didn't have to keep asking us our names." -Calculus student

"Ms. Lynn, I'm going to miss you. When you fist came, I was a little weary about you teaching us, but I was pleasantly surprised at your teaching ability. Most student teachers don't do a very good job but you proved that not all student teachers are bad. I hope you do well in your future career and I hope you find a school you enjoy teaching at! P.S. (There is a math opening at Central!)" -Pre-Calculus student, 6th hr

"You were probably the nicest student teacher I've ever had." -Calculus

"Should've let me sleep." -Advanced Algebra student, 7th hr

"I have had A LOT of student teachers, but I also have not liked any them. Ms. Lynn, you were so much different. You know what you're doing. You got to know each of us personally. You joked around with us. You know how to simplify what you were teaching to our level. I really enjoyed having you as a teacher. Don't take the 2's personally [on keeping students on task]. At times, it's the kids in here that get out of hand. I just think you should put your foot down a little more sometimes. Seriously though, you were so great. Thanks for everything. Good luck in the future!" -Pre-Calculus student, 6th hr

"You're everything I hoped for. You're everything I dreamed. You are so beautiful to MEEE." -Advanced Algebra student, 3rd hr

"I cannot imagine how nervous I would be if I had to come into a classroom full of high school kids and teach as a student teacher. Kids usually have no respect for those new educators. You came in and did an AWESOME job! I'm never sure what to expect when we get a student teacher. They may have their own ideas and ways of doing things that are different from the way the students may be used to. I think both the students and the teacher must be able to adapt and possibly change their ways a little bit. I think this was one of the reasons our class was able to go on without missing a beat! Consider that a huge compliment because I look at Ms. Davidon as one of the best teachers I have had in high school. You filled in and did a great job." -Calculus student

"Don't let kids run your class as you teach later in life. Just be firm and fair and honest." -Advanced Algebra, 7th hr

"The atmosphere was much lighter in here. Everything was laid back but we stayed on task. It was a nice change of pace. I hate this class with a passion but you made it enjoyable for the time you were here. We enjoy seeing new faces. We see each other everyday for years at a time. Thank you!" -Pre-Calculus student, 6th hr

"Will you marry me? -Big Daddy" -Advanced Algebra student, 7th hr

"You are an amazing teacher! I almost dropped Pre-cal second semester because usually student teachers suck, but I actually learned information with you! I am going to miss you when you are not teaching our class anymore! I have seen a lot of improvement since your first day! You have gained a lot of confidence. One thing to remember is that students in high school like to know about their teachers and have fun with them. Once you get that personal level it makes it personal so they actually try on their homework and learn. I do much better in my classes that I have that type of a relationship with the teacher in. I hope that you have a wonderful experience with teaching, make a lot of money, and find everlasting happiness! May God Bless" -Pre-Calculus student, 6th hr

So there's a survey of my surveys. =) Some weren't very useful as far as constructive criticism, but others were very helpful and encouraging. In general, it was just nice to get some feedback from all my students.

7 days left!

A delightful interlude

2009-03-19T16:18:00.002-05:00

So I'm sick. I almost made it the entire time without getting sick, but I didn't make it. I went to bed Monday night with a slightly scratchy throat, then went to school on Tuesday and had to talk the entire day. So, of course, I lost my voice. I've been surviving through my classes, trying to not raise my voice (since I really can't), and have been successful for the most part.

It's a B Day today, so I had back to back Pre-cal, Advanced Algebra, and Pre-cal again. I was making it through alright, but then I was starting to lose my voice more and more as algebra wore on. In the middle of the period Ms. Davidson came to the door and called me into the hallway. Standing there in the hallway were my two friends Mark and Katrina. They came to visit me in my school and brought me a Steak'n'Shake milkshake. They said they were going around to their friends who were student teaching bringing them a milkshake to show support and to give encouragement. It was so happy. It took awhile to get my kids back on track after that happened, but it was well worth it. I got to enjoy one of the best tasting milkshakes ever as I sat in the teacher's lounge during lunch. It's amazing what a little milkshake can do to perk you up in the middle of a difficult day!

Note: I currently have 2 more days of full control, and 3 more weeks of student teaching!

Pi Day

2009-03-13T22:23:00.002-05:00

Happy 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 Day!

That's right; 50 digits of pi memorized. Just another way I'm celebrating this year!

Also, a pi joke:

Q:What do you get when you take the circumference of the sun and divide by its diameter?
A: Pi in the sky

That, along with pi(e) for sale and a pi sticker, was how I celebrated Pi Day Eve today at my school. Nothing fancy, but it was fun!

So enjoy your Pi Day!

Related Rates

2009-03-04T18:37:00.003-06:00

The day came finally. Today was the day when I taught related rates in Calculus. This may mean nothing to most of you, but to me, this was the day when I taught a lesson about something that I never understood. In high school I don't remember learning these at all. In college I blew off the assignment and banked on partial credit on that question on the test. In Math Lab when students came in with related rates problems, I avoided them like the plague. I've never understood these problems. I was only okay with teaching calculus because I was under the impression that they would be past related rates by the time I took over. Not true.

So what are related rates? Let me give you an example:
Sue is standing on a dock and pulling a boat into the dock by means of a rope tied to a ring in the bow of the boat. If the ring is 2 feet above the water level and Sue's hands are 7 feet above the water level and she ispulling in the rope at a rate of 2 ft/sec, find the speed with which the boat is approaching the dock when it is 12 feet from the dock.

Before this week, I would read a problem like that and cringe. No one taught me a method to the madness of related rates problems. I always saw these problems as a bunch of formulas and labels and numbers thrown together at random that couldn't be straightened out to make any sense whatsoever. Even over the weekend I tried to solve these problems but had to stop because they made me so angry. There are not many math concepts that I have a mental block on, but related rates is one of them.

So today I taught them to 21 high schoolers. As you may guess, I was a little concerned about how this would play out. I considered giving that class back over to Carol for a few days and then just pick it back up after this section. After all, that would be a perfectly respectable thing to do. However, I'm tired of giving up on these problems. I want to understand them. And the best way to learn something is to teach it, right? So Carol gave me her steps to solving related rates (which were ingenious), and I worked on them. I solved 3 of the 8 example problems (that I would be teaching) by myself. Those are the first 3 related rates problems I have ever done by myself. Huge accomplishment for me. However, not really enough, since I need to be able to teach and answer questions on all 8. And then answer any and all questions on the worksheet of 18 problems. So with some help, I got the answers. Then I studied them a lot so I could seem competent. It doesn't look good if I have to read off my notes the whole time!

I started my class period confessing to my class that I had never understood these before this week. You should've seen the wide-eyes. I knew that would decrease any appearance I had of competency, but I followed it up with urges to be active learners for these problems because it's going to be hard stuff. I hope they gained a little more faith in me as we were going through the lesson. I think they definitely believed me that they are hard. =)

It was a weird day, teaching something I previously knew nothing about. It's not like history or something where I could just study up and be good to go. I had to learn how to complete these and any similar problems. But I did it! I successfully taught something that I never understood before. If that doesn't say something about my teaching ability, I don't know what does! I feel good about it!

For you math geeks who solved the above problem, the answer is -2.167 ft/sec

Time is passing.

2009-02-20T16:39:00.002-06:00

It is. Quickly. This coming week will bring me my halfway point. I'll be 30 days into student teaching, 18 days into full-control teaching. Crazy. Here's some highlights of what I've learned so far:

1. There is a direct relationship between how much I sleep a night and how well I can answer my students' questions.
2. Always check to see if you've written down the grades before you hand them back to the students. There are two parts to dealing with homework: grading and recording.
3. It is extremely useful to be anal about being organized. I could spend half a day organizing my stuff to try to stay on top of it. I don't do that, but I do spend a couple of hours every weekend purely on organizing my stuff.
4. Teaching can give you a self-esteem boost. I have a pair of students who said they realized they can't do anything without me. They said I have to go with them everywhere they go for the rest of their lives because they're always lost without me. They said we'd be dawgs. =)
5. Teaching can give you a reality check. Sometimes it's tempting to get caught up in the desires to be liked by students, but then I realize how truly shallow most of their 'liking' is. Establishing myself on that is a good way to fail.
6. Though being liked isn't necessary, it sure makes it a lot easier to run a class.
7. I don't know enough ways to say "Be quiet and sit down." Luckily, I can follow in my teacher's footsteps. Though I'm not nearly as effective as she is, a look of complete exasperation is one of the most effective ways I know to get high-schoolers to be quiet (No one wants to be thought of as annoying by the college girl!).
8. Generally teachers feel the same way about other teachers, convocations, and school policies as students do. They just hide it from the students.
9. I'm a grown up. And I'm okay with that.
10. I don't have time or the energy for anything beyond maintaining necessary relationships. I've stopped singing, playing guitar, playing piano, reading, playing games, and all unnecessary cleaning and organizing. This is sad. I need summer.
11. Teaching should only be done by old people. College students need too much sleep to function properly to run a classroom and have a life outside of it. Probably people will disagree with me on that, but statistically it's true. If I want to get the 9 hours of sleep I should get, I would have 3 hours of free time a night (at least half of which would be used to grade papers), and I would never see my roommates.
12. Weekends are truly the greatest thing ever. Even with a huge list of things to do, the weekends are a magical time full of sleep and t-shirts and flexible schedules and fun times and friends and no peanut butter and jelly. It's glorious. =)

There's the short list. Time for my magical weekend!

A Mean Teacher

2009-02-07T08:41:00.003-06:00

My students say I'm becoming a mean teacher. They told David, the other student teacher, that I was becoming mean, even though they could tell I wasn't really a mean person. Some other students told me yesterday too that I was being mean. In my mind I told them they were being disrespectful and irresponsible and immature. They're trying to take advantage of me; trying to get away with not doing much and talking a lot in class. It's not going to happen, but they're really trying. The only thing that really bothers me about all of this is the fact that that they can see when I'm getting mad and am completely serious about them getting down to work, yet they still defy me.

Not that I'm used to getting my way or anything, but I am used to people responding appropriately when I am angry. How do you deal with people that just don't care if you're angry with them? I got to the point where I would not talk to them except to discipline them and help them on math if they asked. All the other students I talked to willingly and openly and with a smile.

I have to figure out how to manage this classroom. I think they should learn how to grow up first.

Ah, wishful thinking. =)

From Day to Day

2009-02-03T18:43:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I felt like maybe this teaching thing wasn't all it was cracked up to be. My students were irresponsible, exasperating, and disrespectful. And after spending a good 10 hours of my weekend prepping and planning and grading, it was frustrating to hear students' excuses of not having time to do their homework. It's interesting as a student teacher because students seem to feel that they can be more honest with me. So, rather than saying, "I tried, but I couldn't," they say, "I'm not gonna lie about it, I didn't even look at it." Or instead of, "I heard what you said, I just forgot," they say, "I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't pay attention to you at all." The honesty of it all just throws me off that I don't even know how to respond. The best that I've come up with is to say, "If you're not going to take the time to listen, then I'm not going to take the time to help you. Figure it out on your own." Then I come back maybe 5 minutes later and answer a question. I don't completely ditch them. Just long enough for them to think they've been ditched. Conversations like that along with students who cannot sit down and cannot be quiet while other students are taking a quiz made for a very long day (and that was just one class period!).

Today, however, was a better day. Carol had a substitute and yet the students didn't have any problems with me. The first class talked with me quite a bit and we got to know each other better (along with getting math done!). The second class had some problems keeping on task, but with a new lesson that they seemed to actually totally understand (we'll see when we get the homework back!), the class period went alright. The third class was more interested in getting to know me, while still getting some work done. It was a good mixture of conversation and getting stuff done. Maybe I won't give up on high schoolers quite yet. =)

I do miss math. A lot. I know I'm teaching it, but it's not the same. My students today were complaining because part of their assignment required them to answer questions about functions with complete sentences (I added in correct grammar too, but I'll not hope for too much). I so badly wanted to tell them, "The higher in math you go, the more writing you have to do. Lots and lots of proofs = lots and lots of writing." But I didn't because I knew it would cause an uproar of half the class saying, "Well I'm not going higher in math, so can I not write complete sentences now?" So I didn't. But still, it made me think fondly of Abstract Algebra. Oh to think about subjects that are challenging. I think having this calculus class will be nice for that. Though spending 4 days on Chain Rule is a little tiring (though probably necessary). I'm just feeling the withdrawals from college academia. Do most people feel this after they graduate college? I never thought about that aspect of graduating. No more challenging collegiate courses to push you beyond your normal capabilities to levels of aptitude that should not be expected of any 20 year old. Sad.

On to grading papers and planning lessons. Ugh.

Update

2009-01-29T20:16:00.002-06:00

I haven't really written much in my journal this week, so I haven't had much to add on here. I've been busy! I actually had basically full control yesterday and I will again tomorrow. They're B-Days, so I taught Pre-Calculus and Advanced Algebra. With back to back to back classes, it was pretty stressful. Everything went well though. I had no discipline problems and it seemed for the most part that the classes were engaged int he lesson. I had timing problems -- namely, I ran out of it -- but the lesson got taught. Who knew with 90 minutes I'd run out of time?

I have a really good feeling about some of these kids. It's funny though because I used to assume that if a student was disruptive in clas that their grades probably weren't so great, and vice versa. Not true. I have disruptive kids getting A's and B's. I have disruptive kids failing. I also have non-disruptive kids failing and non-disruptive kids with A's and B's. I was previously in the frame of mind that if I engage the disruptive kids then I'm good to go. Generally though, my kids that talk out during class are mostly on task. So really, I need to work to draw in the silently unengaged that I have maybe looked over in the past.

I have these kids with no faith in their math abilities. I hear kids tell me, "I'm just not good at math" as their excuse for not even starting their homework. Lame. I've heard this too many times over the years. I understand there is a math learning disability, but these kids don't have it. Probably somewhere along the way they were shown by their parents or teachers that "I'm just not good at math" was a valid excuse. I never hear anyone say "I'm just not good at English." Maybe reading or grammar, but nobody lumps it into a whole subject and deems it a legitimate statement. I'm already tired of dealing with the stigma attached to math. I just want to say to them, "First, that's not true. Second, that is absolutely no excuse for not trying. Being slow at math is not the same as being bad at it. So don't just give up and depend on that excuse to make it through life. Put a little effor tinto it!" I think I need a plan to get to those kids. Help?

I'm taking a nap

2009-01-23T16:46:00.003-06:00

"The ugly truth, however, is that many of us do not know how to rest! Actually, we do know how to rest; we simply refuse to rest. Rest is a decision we make. Rest is choosing to do nothing when we have too much to do, slowing down when we feel pressure to go faster, stopping instead of starting. Rest is listening to our weariness and responding to our tiredness, not to what is making us tired. Rest is what happens when we say one simple word: "No!" Rest is the ultimate humiliation because in order to rest, we must admit we are not necessary, that the world can get along without us, that God's work does not depend on us. Once we understand how unnecessary we are, only then might we find the right reasons to say yes. Only then might we find the right reasons to decide to be with Jesus instead of working for him. Only then might we have the courage to take a nap with Jesus."
-Messy Spirituality, Michael Yaconelli

My Class Schedule

2009-01-21T16:21:00.002-06:00

Well, after functioning yesterday as my teacher’s substitute (with the assistance of a paid substitute), I have very mixed feelings about this semester. Hopeful because my first two classes were great; exhausted because being on my feet all day completely wiped me out; frustrated because my last class was very disrespectful to me; worried that this is going to be what they expect they can do for the rest of the semester if I don’t fix it now; excited to have experienced the ups and downs of a classroom and to have been successful in 2 out of my 3 classes; overwhelmed when I think about how long this semester will be if I don’t get a handle on things. And I’m still adjusting to getting up at 6:30 every morning. I was so tired yesterday I went to bed at 9:30. Sad.

Let me lay out my classes for you. It’s block schedule with 90 minute periods, 4 periods a day.

A Day:
•1st pd Calculus: 21 students, not an AP class, but might as well be.
Hopes: Class of studious seniors, there will be no discipline problems.
Fears: I may use a different vocabulary than they are used to, and trying to explain a really difficult subject to beginners, who probably aren’t happy to have a student teacher anyway, will be a definite challenge.
•2nd pd Prep
•3rd pd Advanced Algebra: 24 students, my more challenging of the 2 advanced algebra classes.
Hopes: This will be a very entertaining class that is very familiar with me. They’ll be pretty easy to transition into teaching with.
Fears: There are a lot of talkative young males that may give me problems as a college-age female.
•4th pd Student Council Class: 6 students who help Carol (stu co sponsor) with the business and details of Stu Co. I will just help them or work as another prep period.

B Day:
•5th pd Prep
•6th pd Pre-Calculus: 15 students, a very friendly and studious class.
Hopes: I think I’ll find I connect with a higher percentage of these students than in other classes. They’re just a fun group.
Fears: I won’t be able to do fun lessons with them like I would want to because of the other Pre-Cal class.
•7th pd Advanced Algebra: 17 students, definitely some troublemakers and talkers, but also very friendly.
Hopes: They seem very respectful of me so far, and I think it will stay that way. They majority who cooperate will win over the minority that is less cooperative.
Fears: The novelty of a student teacher may wear off eventually and they’ll start acting up more.
•8th pd Pre-Calculus: 21 students, my challenge-class. Everyone loves to talk. Maybe a handful of students who care to respect me. All very fun-loving and harmless students, but get out of hand very quickly and don’t respond well to my authority.
Hopes: This class has still been well-trained by Carol. I just need to tap into that and let them see that I have as much influence as her (not that I'm of the same caliber a teacher as her by any means, just the same punishments). I think I will go for intimidation next time.
Fears: Yesterday set the foundation and I have to start over. Every bad day at the beginning puts me farther away from good days.

So those are my classes! We’ll see how they go. =)

Snow Days

2009-01-18T12:52:00.003-06:00

On Wednesday I had my first early release snow day. I woke up that morning to freezing temperatures and 5 inches of snow. However, school was not canceled. I'm so used to my home school district that cancels school on just about any amount of snow. I needed a broom to sweep off my car, and yet I was still out there at 7:10 cleaning it off so I could get to school on time. Once I got to school though, they decided the weather was going to get too bad and they needed to send us home. At 1pm. The students were antsy (as were the teachers), but when we left the school it was fine, though the temperature had definitely dropped and was dropping.

That evening it was announced via email that Olivet was shutting down the next day. Everyone was going out bowling or making plans to stay up late, but I had to get in and get ready for the possibility of another day of school. At 7pm I got the call that school was canceled for me too. Unfortunately, I fell asleep by 11:30. Lame. :)

I got up at 9am the next day and spent the entire day knitting a hat that I had started on my half-day. It's weird to basically start and finish a knitting project in a day! That evening the call came again that Olivet was canceled. When the high of the day is 4° with a windchill in the low negatives, it just isn't smart to force students to walk to their classes in that kind of cold. However, my school had a teacher in-service day on Friday, which of course they were not canceling. Trying to get my car to start in -12° air temperature was a challenge. But after much sweet talking and ice chipping, my car was ready to go. Erwin is such a trooper. =) We were frozen to the bone, when my travel companion got in the car after walking 10 feet from his front door to my passenger door and said, "I don't think it's really that cold." If I could have moved my fingers at that point, I probably would have punched him in the face.

So now it's the weekend with Monday off for MLK Jr Day. The rest of day will be spent typing out lesson plans and adjusting my mind to the adjusted schedule for the next week. I'm ready for some action!

Student Teaching

2009-01-14T18:40:00.004-06:00

36 credit hours of Math
21 credit hours of Education
100 hours of field experience
3 semesters working Math Lab
3 semesters working as a Math TA

All preparing me for such a time as this. I have begun. I feel like I should be nervous or terrified, but I'm not. Christmas Break was just enough time to prepare me. I didn't do any academic preparations; just mental. With talking to former teachers and friends and family, I feel more ready. With the prep this week, Carol (my cooperating teacher) and I planned for the next 2 weeks for Advanced Algebra. I feel like everything I've been doing is coming together. I see math, I put it into categories of subject matter, age of student, and in terms of previous knowledge. I immediately draw on my classes and my experiences with math lab. I see something needing to be taught, and I go into teacher mode. I use repetitive phrasing, leading questions, and draw on my experiences from tutoring. I talk to teachers and go into educator mode, pulling Bloom's Taxonomy of Higher Thinking and Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and Cooperative Learning and IEPs and LDs into my working vocabulary. I become a math teacher on a moment's notice. Maybe, a math teacher is what I am becoming permanently. Is it so bad to not be nervous? I still ask questions ("what do I do when they test my authority?") and observe procedures (Take attendance. Close door. Ask for questions. Check.) I still will practice my lessons and go over them numerous times before I actually teach. I will still get butterflies in my tummy when someone calls me "Ms Lynn" (Of course, when the principal called me "Mrs. Lynn" I really freaked out!). I still stress when I think of ALL the lessons I'll be giving before I'm done (117. 117 lessons before this semester is over). But my confidence in my ability to survive this -- maybe even succeed at this -- is increasing daily. I can do this.

The Rants of a Mad Math Major

2008-09-26T23:08:00.003-05:00

As written in my Abstract Algebra notes during class:

I don't like Abstract Algebra. Math SHOULD not be abstract. Ever. What's so great about math is that it's not abstract! It's ABSOLUTE. It has numbers and symbols. Math is when you can represent a sentence entirely with symbols. Math is when you solve problems and figure out solutions. Math is PRACTICAL. Abstract Algebra is not practical! It is pointles and stupid and has way too many WORDS. When did math STOP being math? Why are our lives filled with proofs? Why can't we just do MATH? I miss numbers. I don't CARE if it's true for all cases. I don't want to find the contradiction. I don't want to show IFF it is a subgroup or a subset. I don't want to "Let x belong to a group." I do like the satisfaction of figuring out a proof on my OWN though --well, until I get my homework back and find I missed HALF my points for some stupid minute MISTAKE. What's worse, I always help others with their homework. So when I miss it THEY miss it. At least I'm getting to HELP people understand a little. What would I do if I wasn't getting to teach even a little? But when will I have time to LEARN it mself? When will I UNDERSTAND? How will I survive, really?

Editor's note: I received an A- for the semester in Abstract Algebra! Looking back on the semester, this was my favorite math class that I've taken in college. Funny how things change. =)

Reaction on a First Day of School

2008-08-20T21:48:00.005-05:00

So I was really excited going into this day. I had my clothes pressed and ready the night before, I had my tote packed and prepared for everything, I figured out how to do my hair so I looked like a professional teacher. I got here at 7:30 on the dot so I was here a full 45 minutes before the students. I know it was a little silly for me to be this prepared, when I wasn't even teaching, but that first impression is everything!

Calculus class, the first class of the day, walked in, one by one, while I stood at the door by Ms. Davidson, smiling at all who walked past. Most seemed to eye me curiously when they got in the classroom, but they were soon back to the normal excited chatter of a first day of school. As class was about to begin, I stood awkwardly. I had already picked out my seat and placed my stuff on the desk neatly, but do I sit already? Will that make me look small and nervous? Will somebody talk to me? Will I lose my look of authority? Do I just look like an over-dressed student?

Ms. Davidson finally starts class and everyone settles down. For a moment, I am safe. Then I am introduced to them as their Spring Student Teacher. I suddenly remember all the student teachers I have had: the good, the bad, and the ugly. But no matter how good or cool they were, they never lived up to the skills of our normal teacher and we always wished them away. Still, I smile as they welcome me with waves and, "Hi, Ms. Lynn!" These are good kids. Surely they're not thinking that about me. Right? I am welcome, right?

The quick class finishes up and no one else talks to me. I'll give them time. Maybe tomorrow they will talk to me. Tomorrow I will settle more into that gray area between teacher and student. Tomorrow we will actually do math, not rules. Tomorrow I will have something to observe besides repetition of rules and supple lists. Tomorrow I will be in my comfort zone, mostly. And for awhile we--the students and I--can forget that I will be taking over this classroom in 145 days. I can just be Ms. Lynn, Ms. Davidson's assistant and observer. Not Ms. Lynn, math teacher. Not yet.

Mountain Movin'

2008-08-03T13:09:00.004-05:00

Every once in awhile I like doing something a little silly. It's silly because it's not normal or maybe overly useful but I so thoroughly enjoy it that I do it anyway.

Sometimes I try to have 100% faith.

I hold nothing back. I have no plan B. I have no doubts. Just complete faith and positive thinking.

In the movie What the Bleep do We Know? a philosopher said, "Thinking positive is often disguising negative thinking. But if you have positive thinking with your entire being, you can walk on water."

My first attempt at this was when I believed Marissa's tree would come back to life. That tree didn't recover from its untimely death, but they did win a free tree to replace it. Still, I prayed for it to regain life because Jesus said, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" (Matt. 21:22). It's so silly that I do this because it doesn't even matter what the outcome is. It doesn't affect anyone if Marissa's tree stays dead. It's unfortunate and inconvenient, but not life-altering one way or the other. I practice my faith in things that don't matter at all. I think the next thing I will put my faith into is my ability to levitate.

I also sometimes put faith in the words of people, particularly people who tend to be known for not telling the exact truth in their stories. I get in such a habit of taking people's stories with a grain of salt that I forget to see where truth does occur. But sometimes its exciting to really look at someone's story and take what they tell you--not gossip or anything of that nature of course--as absolutely true, and believe it to be so with my entire being. Not the kind of truth that is based on factual events, but the kind of truth that is holy and pure and the very nature of God. To see a story as literally a piece of God coming down to grace us with His presence. Something that is such a true display of human interaction and raw beauty therein, that I can only pray that it is also factual truth. In that prayer I embody my faith in its truth and make it as true to me as it ever needs to be.

A Course in Miracles:

Belief in a creation produces its existence. That is why a man can believe in what no one else thinks is true. It is true for him because it was made by him. ... The miracle compares what man has made with the higher level creation, accepting what is in accord as true and rejecting the discord as false. ... To whatever extent a man is willing to submit his beliefs to this test, to that extent are perceptions corrected.

You should try it sometime. Have faith like a child and put that faith in God that he'll show up as truth in an outrageous tale. Or think positively and pray that you can have the ability to do something outrageous yourself. Don't hold back. Don't be conservative in your faith in the impossible, but believe it with your entire being. Just let it go and see what happens. Who knows, maybe you'll move mountains.

Find Me There

2008-07-30T12:21:00.002-05:00

I have a strange sinking feeling in my heart. Maybe its the rain coming down outside. Maybe its the knowledge that summer is almost over. Maybe it's the death that I have encountered recently. Maybe its the decisions I know I have to make soon. Maybe it's all the change that I know is coming. I don't know, but my heart hurts. I feel that lately whenever I stop and actually look in, I always have a heavy heart. I'm not at peace with the present, the immediate future, or the long-term future, and I'm not at peace with myself in any of it. I'm not quite happy about where I'm going, but I don't feel good about where I am. I feel like I'm going every direction at once, but I'm not actually getting anywhere. I feel like nothing is quite as secure and dependable as I thought it was, particularly myself.

Can I sing?

Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please

I've longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And bought my pretty crowns
But never paid the price

Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone and I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river, I'm waiting here

I didn't count on suffering
I didn't count on pain
But if the blessing's in the valley
Then in the river I will wait

A Change of Place

2008-06-19T15:32:00.002-05:00

I've been invited by my friend Matt Upshaw to join a group blog for the summer/beyond. It's just started and I haven't posted there yet, but that is where I'll be. I haven't decided whether I'll keep updating here or not at the same time. We'll see what happens! Feel free to check out the other blog!

Between The Trees

Summer Flowers

2008-06-07T21:25:00.004-05:00

So I have a decent amount of free time on my hands. I'm not complaining; I love it! It allows me to spend time on things that I want to spend time on. One thing I've picked up again this summer is a little bit of photography. I'm no artist or expert; I still don't really know how to use Dad's camera or iPhoto that well and I don't particularly have an eye for seeing things in a new way. But I like taking pictures of what's there and taking advantage of the already natural beauty. Here are some pictures of flowers I've taken. Enjoy. =)

What I am reading: miracles, puke, and fundamentalism

2008-05-16T13:02:00.002-05:00

Jesus Made Me Puke from Rolling Stone Magazine
Suncatchers by Jamie Langston Turner
A Course In Miracles edited by Schucman and Thetford

This is what I get. I came home, complaining to mom that I had nothing to read, and now I have an explosion of options brought to me. Now reading these simultaneously has brought some interesting thoughts.

First, let me tell you about Jesus Made Me Puke. I hope you click on the link and read it through yourself, but let me give you the low-down. The author goes undercover in a mega-church, pastored by John Hagee, and attends a weekend retreat. During the retreat, he is forced to reveal his "wound" to a small group (which he makes up to be that his father was an alcoholic circus clown who beat him with his oversized shoes), to speak in tongues, to sing and shout, and to puke up demons. Literally. His intent was to discover why it is impossible for evangelical Christians to put aside their religious differences when it comes to public policy and political leaders. He concludes that for these people, "all that matters is being full of the Lord and empty of demons. And since everything that is not of God is demonic, asking these people to be objective about anything else is just absurd. There is no 'anything else.'"

Before I read this article, I got about a quarter of the way through Suncatchers. This is a book about a sociologist/writer who goes undercover in South Carolina in a fundamentalist church (hmm, familiar?). He lives next to this eccentric family and nit picks through their lives and their church to find out how they work. He goes into it with no qualms about fundamentalism, just curiosity. Judging by the fact that this is a Christian fiction piece, I only assume that by the end he will become a Christian.

My friend who shared the Rolling Stone article with me thought it quite humorous and assumed that I would enjoy it as much as he did. And though it made me chuckle a little bit, mostly, it just made me want to puke. A lot. I've been trying to figure out why others can find this funny and I just feel sick, and I think I realized why. When someone starts diving into the extreme right evangelical or fundamental group, they start diving into my world. The edge of my world, but still my world. I cringe at the word "fundamental" and really even at "evangelical," because I know the connotations they hold. Those crazies who yell and wave their arms and speak in "tongues" and get angry at the world, particularly A-rabs, terrorists, democrats, Muslims, abortionists, homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals, dirty Mexicans, and Catholics. And it makes me want to puke. And I'm pretty sure Jesus would too. Yet I still identify myself as a Christian. I still choose an identity that groups me with the crazies, the heretics, the "perfect people," the fundamentalists. Because in the process, I also group myself with the peacemakers, with the meek, with the merciful, and with the lovely. I may want to puke when I look to my far fundamental right, but I am at peace when I look around me at the diverse group of followers of Jesus who make me want to be better. They make me want to bring peace to others, to be humble and gracious and lovely myself. I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen in the Suncatchers. Because people like that are contagious and will prove to be the truest Christian in the end. Not because it is a competition or a battle, but because I have to believe that is what being Christ-like is. The peacemakers have to win over the angry Christians in the end because bringing peace is more like Jesus than being angry. Being merciful is more like Jesus than being condemning. Being lovely is more like Jesus than being hateful. I have to believe that, or else the hateful fundamentals of that article have won over me, and I will stop being a Christian. I can't help but wonder how many people hate Christianity as a whole because of the crazies at the extreme. Then again, how many people hate Islam as a whole because of the crazies at their extreme? Hmm.

The last book I'm reading is I think the most substantial. I've gone a few pages in, but the idea of it all is fascinating. This psychologist began having these waking dreams where this voice spoke to her and said, "This is a course in miracles. Please take notes." The voice identified himself as Jesus. It took 7 years (1965-72) and she transcribed 1500 typed pages of notes. I haven't figured out if all of this is heretical or not. But it doesn't seem to be to me, so I think I'll keep reading it. Here are a few Principles of Miracles:

3. Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense, everything that comes from love is a miracle.
6. Miracles are natural. When they do not occur, something has gone wrong.
9. Miracles are a kind of exchange. Like all expressions of love, which are always miraculous in the true sense, the exchange reverses the physical laws. They bring more love both to the giver and the receiver.
11. Prayer is the medium of miracles. Prayer is the natural communication of the created with the Creator. Through prayer love is received, and through miracles love is expressed.

I'm sure John Hagee would tell me to throw this book out the window as it will cause curses on me and my children and my children's children. But I think that's a risk I'm willing to take. If all else fails, I'll just puke up the demon of writing analysis later.

The Highlight of a Rainy Spring Break in Indiana

2008-03-27T15:26:00.003-05:00

That night the roads were finally clear enough to go for a little country drive. We drove to Mt. Nebo church late at night. The air was sweet and welcoming. The cemetery was friendly, asking any stranger to stay awhile. Nothing scary there, just old stories. Our adventurous spirits stole us away from the church yard into the cornfield spreading to the east and south. Running along the rows, we ventured to the highest point possible. With the light of a full moon guiding our steps, we sought out the soft dirt between the rows of broken down corn stalks. As we walked higher, the wind picked up and drove smells of rich, wet dirt and old dried corn stalks deep into my lungs with every breath.

At the top, time stood still. We stood still. Our conversations stilled. The wind, however, did not. Standing on the highest visible hill around, the wind had nothing standing in its way. This was not wind whipping quickly around buildings or swaying lazily through trees. This was the high and mighty wind that shuffled the clouds around, making everything between us and the moon alive with movement. It was the kind of wind you could lean against and not fall down. It was the kind of wind that blew past you, not through you. Though only in the 40's, this wind brought warmth, not chills. It made me want to sing and laugh just to wonder how far it would carry my voice. Though the clouds and the full moon constricted our view of all but 9 stars, we were not disappointed. This wind, the North Wind I would like to think, carried sounds of bull frogs from faraway, and came to pick up our breath to carry to another faraway place. This beauty, this simplicity, this majesty, all for us to witness. Not for us to be sure -- the wind was doing its job, carrying the clouds and the storms across our world -- but we were bystanders standing in the midst of God's glory on parade. But not just simple bystanders. I suppose we were in fact in the parade. Seeing God working in nature is actually taking part in it, as God's work in nature is the same as God's work in one's soul. We were one with nature -- equally basking in the moonlight and shaking in that unadulterated wind with every broken corn stalk around us. And we were one with each other -- often speechless as the wind swallowed our words -- sharing in this moment of a lifetime. That unity, with nature and with each other, put us in the center of the parade, showing off God's grace, God's love, God's peace, and God's simple radiance.

Basis of Faith

2008-03-06T11:08:00.002-06:00

For my Christian Faith class I had to write a paper on my Basis of Faith and discuss the authority of Scripture. I thought I would share it on here (it's only 4 pages double spaced, so it's not too extensive, but still covers a decent base) as it's something I have been thinking about lately and the paper came at an opportune time to write out my thoughts.

Faith is a funny thing. Our entire lives are centered around our faith or lack thereof. People shop for a religion or a church that has faith in the same thing as them. We find deep camaraderie in those who come from the same faith culture as us. But faith is not so simple as we often think. It takes great time to develop a strong basis for one’s faith.

It takes great courage to have faith in something that has not made itself apparent. Often it is said to be lunacy to do so, but to miss out on that lunacy completely would be to miss out on the true sense of living. It seems crazy to believe in something that one cannot see, cannot hear, cannot touch. But as Philip Yancey says, “Were there no room for doubt, there would be no room for faith either.” We all have faith in something; unfortunately, often people choose to have faith in things that have shown themselves everyday in a very literal sense. People have faith the sun will rise, the chair will stay firm when sat upon, and their roommate will use all the hot water in their shower. These things are dependable, visible, and constant. Yet, what faith is that -- to believe in something that always is? How does that change anything? My life is no different if I only believe in something so tangible. My life is different, however, because I believe in something intangible. Something just beyond the senses. Something supernatural. Because I believe in a God that is out of time and space, I do not experience Him in the same way that I experience a drink of water. Yet both refresh me and are necessary for my daily life.

Many would say a belief in the supernatural is a complete belief without proof. In the scientific, fact-based world we live in, this is appalling. As a product of that world, I work to find proof to support my beliefs. I find proof in the classic Wesleyan Quadrilateral: scripture, tradition, experience, and reason. All of these things feed into my beliefs. I see God breathing truth through scripture. There are principles in the Bible that I know would make the world a better place and have brought great change in my life. I see God making changes through his followers in history. When I see people like Rich Mullins or C.S. Lewis as radical followers of Christ, I cannot help but want to follow the God of their lives. I see God showing up all over the place in nature and human interaction. Whether its true understanding between friends or the radical beauty of rolling hills and forests, God shows up. I also see God in truth. Isaac Newton once said, “In the absence of any other proof, the thumb alone would convince me of God’s existence.” My beliefs are not based on nothing. They are based on the core realities of life and the truth that can be found when one truly searches for answers. I am not saying that I have it all figured out or that I even have found the highest truth or my specific set of beliefs is the only way to go. What I am saying is that when looking into life, one will find that love wins all battles, forgiveness and grace are the only way to find peace, and there is a God who practices all of those things.

Though there is satisfaction that comes from having a faith that can be backed up with reason and analysis, I find myself craving a faith that is content with no proof. Our world has not always been a scientific one, and though belief with no proof can lead to absurd beliefs (thousands of gods who fight each other and must each be given their sacrifice, the knowable specific date of the end of the world, practices of human sacrifice to end a drought), having beliefs based completely on proof misses the point. I yearn to have the faith to move mountains even though I have never seen a mountain moved. I want to have faith that God can heal my present headache when Tylenol cannot. That is the kind of faith that truly changes the world. I believe it is a balance of the two types of faith – based on reason and proof and based on trust alone – that is needed in one’s life and Church.

The proof that is often given in the Church as the basis of faith is from Scripture. Scripture defines who God is, what He has done in the past, what He is doing in the present, and what He will do in the future. Each Christian works to learn Scripture so as to back up their faith in times of trouble and doubt. Yet, often Christians use that same Scripture to back them up in prejudices, in acts of violence, or in oppression of a race, a culture, or a gender. Stanley Hauerwas pegs this in his book Unleashing the Scripture: Freeing the Bible from Captivity to America when he says, “[North American Christians] read the Bible not as Christians, not as a people set apart, but as democratic citizens who think their ‘common sense’ is sufficient for ‘understanding’ the Scripture” (p. 15). It is tiring to hear opinions being spouted over and over again by ignorant Christians (which really, is basically all of us) who speak with authority on the behalf of God in hate toward another group of people or speak illogical untruths about God’s character.

Scripture truly does take authority over all when one looks for a window into the heart of who God is and for finding examples of faith in God. However, I struggle with separating the authority of Scripture found through exegesis and the authority of Scripture found through eisegesis. In this, I find it extremely difficult to make the blanket statement that the Scripture has authority. I know it is true, but I have seen it take on a monstrous form in the hands of those who misuse that authority. So to whom do we give the authority of interpretation? Stamoolis (2004) asks this, “If we posit that there is only one correct understanding of a text, whose understanding do we accept? The early church’s understanding? The Reformation understanding? Western Christian (however defined) against the insights of the emerging churches?” The term authority loses all sense after awhile. I have learned, however, that to find authority in Scripture does not mean that it is static, literal, or concrete. It is okay to accept multiple understandings of Scripture Hauerwas (1993) said it this way: “That way of putting the matter [of hermeneutics] presupposes that the text exists as a fact and that we simply need to know how better to explicate what the fact really means. Yet we must acknowledge that the text has no ‘real’ meaning, and no real, abstract ‘human understanding’ exists to constitute such meaning.”

To this end, we can see that Scripture by itself does not bring true understanding of God nor provide a sure foundation for our faith. There is the interpretation of Scripture that needs to be done with discernment within a community, with the utmost respect for its holy mystery, but also its ability to work with the Holy Spirit to bring truth to those who seek it. This requires acceptance that the Church and, along with it, tradition have authority too. However, “[i]n matters of theological development and debate, tradition should get a vote but never a veto, whereas Scripture is the gold standard by which every idea--including those developed within tradition--must be tested” (Olson, 2003). Along with tradition and scripture, there is personal experience. We often give this too much precedence, as it is the best that we know. Yet, it should not be ignored. God teaches us often through our experiences, individually or communally, and as with that, they should align well with Scripture. Lastly, reason plays a role in connection with Scripture. It is important to use the ability to discern and think logically that God gave us. This is an important part of faith, as blind faith in illogical theories or unbiblical principles can be carefully bypassed if reason is utilized. By these powers combined, one’s faith can have a strong basis.

I like how Fredrick Buechner (1992) talks of faith. He says, “Faith is like the dream in which the clouds open to show riches ready to drop upon us that when we wake into the reality of nothing more than common sense, we cry to dream again because the dreaming seems truer than the waking does to the fullness of reality not as we have seen it, to be sure, but as by faith we trust it to be without seeing. Faith is both the dream and the crying. Faith is the assurance that the best and holiest dream is true after all. Faith in something – if only in the proposition that life is better than death – is what makes our journey through time bearable.” The basis for that faith is developed through a careful discovery of Scripture, a mind of discernment, a continual interaction with God in community and individually, and a trust in the tradition of the Church.

P.S. The headache I mentioned had been incessantly pestering me for the entire week before I wrote that paper, and daily extra strength Tylenol hadn't touched it. I had just prayed before writing that paper that God would heal my headache, and it hasn't been back since.

Winter

2008-02-27T10:49:00.003-06:00

Ya know, this cold thing is really getting old. I'm tired of bundling up every time I go outside. I'm tired of staring at patches of ice wondering, "Will this be on the one to finally take me down?" I'm tired of gray. I'm tired of the need for long underwear and layers and layers of clothes. I'm tired of picking out an outfit each day to match the same pair of waterproof, heavy duty snow boots. I'm tired of earaches from the cold. I'm tired of how cold my desk area is in our study room because I'm surrounded by cold, frozen windows. I'm tired of wind chill factors ten degrees below the real temperature. I'm tired of how hunched over I have to be to brace myself gainst the cold and wind every time I walk to class that is somehow always blowing in my face.

It snowed again yesterday. Of course. It's Tuesday. It always snows on Monday or Tuesday. I think we're supposed to get more tomorrow though too. Amanda and I went to work out Monday night as the snow started falling. Well, as the "wintry mix" started falling. Amanda said it looked like Dip'n'Dots falling from the sky. We had fun catching them on our tongues and pretending it was ice cream. Yesterday we woke up to a fresh blanket of snow covering the ground. From inside our apartment looking out, it was a menacing sight with the wind whipping the snow all around. Surprisingly though, when we walked outside it was rather warm. Temperature and wind chill around 30. The snow still smacked you in the face, but it was kind of fun.

Now as I sit and look out the window next to me I see a blinding landscape. Bright blue skies with a dusting of bright clouds. The sun reflecting grandly on the whiteness below. I have to squint to be able to see anything. I suppose this is not so gray.

For how long and miserable this winter has been, it has had some really nice snowfalls. Weekly. I can sure get tired of winter, but I will never be tired of snow. I may say it, but as soon as I stand in the midst of the swirling snowflakes, dancing up and down and around as the wind drives it, I secretly thank God for winter and the snow it brings. But don't tell anybody. I will still be doing a "Send Spring Soon" dance and a sacrifice to the weather gods to send green grass and leaves on the trees and flowers and warm breezes to fly kites in and have picnics in and wear flip flops in. Until then, however, I will still laugh when the snow comes tumbling down from the hovering clouds and lands on the tip of my tongue. I will still wear nice, warm sweaters and hats and scarves. I will still have nice rosy cheeks. I will still try to blow rings with my frozen breath and walk through the biggest piles of snow. And I will still like winter.

Stop this Train

2008-02-19T11:42:00.002-06:00

It's quarter life crisis time. Every once in awhile I just want to stop this train and get off and go home again. Things get so busy and hectic and feels like life is barreling forward at full speed. Then I hear songs like this that help just a little.

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
~John Mayer, "Stop This Train," Continuum

Food Fun

2008-01-31T16:44:00.001-06:00

So I've been getting into reading the news lately. Mostly stuff about the presidential candidates and the primaries. But, along with that stuff, my source of info (AOL news) always has links to other random articles. This was one that I wanted to pass along. Nothing fancy, just fun information that might come in handy someday! I've picked out my favorite. To see the article yourself, go here!

Before you throw your banana peel in the compost pile, remove any stringy pulp and use the peel as a buffer. This works with silverware as well as leather shoes and leather furniture. Just rub the peel over the object and buffwith a soft cloth. Be sure to test a small section of your furniture first!

Next time you drop a wine glass or break a plate, grab a slice of bread to help you clean up. After you pick up the larger pieces, press the bread over the area and it will pick up all the itty bitty pieces you can't see. Bread can also help clean fingerprints off walls and wallpaper. Just rub and voila!

While most of us associate castor oil with constipation or childbirth, did you know it can also help get rid of pesky moles in your yard? Just mix a 1/2 cup of castor oil with two gallons of water and pour the mixture down the mole(s) hole(s). Don't worry, the solution is animal friendly and they will likely relocate.

Your child just learned how to tie their shoes and the knots are impossible to undo. Stay calm and sprinkle a little cornstarch on the laces to help you work out the knot.

Dandruff can be an embarrassing health problem, but the special shampoo often smells yucky. Try massaging 2 tablespoons of lemon juice into your scalp and rinsing with warm water. Follow with a leave-in rinse of 1 teaspoon lemonjuice in 1 cup of warm water. Use this daily until your scalp is healed.

It's one thing when your child draws on the wall with crayons, it's quite another when it comes to your wood furniture. Rub some mayonnaise on the crayon mark and let it soak for ten minutes. Then take a damp cloth and wipeaway the mayo AND the crayon!

It may make you smell like a hot dog, but rubbing a thin layer of mustard over your chest and covering with a hot towel can relieve a stuffy head and chest.

Does it seem like nothing is working for your bad skin? Use 4 tablespoons of salt and 3 tablespoons of olive oil to create a paste. Leave it on your face for 2 minutes and rinse with warm water. Then wash your face as normal. Use every day for a week and then cut back to 3 days a week and you should notice an improvement.

Don't you hate it when you have to start a fire and little bits of newspaper are flying everywhere? Next time, air-dry orange peels, which contain flammable oils that burn longer, and use those instead of the paper. The delicious smell is a bonus.

At your next BBQ don't spend money on anti-pest candles that never work. Simmer 2 cups of milk, a 1/4 pound of sugar and 2 oz. of ground black pepper for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Pour the mixture into bowls and put them where the flies will be attracted to them and then drown. You can also place around the house. No more buzzzzzing at the windows.

Deodorant stains can ruin a perfectly good shirt. Save your whites by spraying white vinegar (no need to mix with water) onto the underarm areas. Then you can wash per usual.

Everyone knows Clorox's catchy ditty about keeping clothes bright, but all you need is pepper. Add a teaspoon of pepper to the wash before you add in your clothes and it will keep the colors from fading.

Culture

2008-01-08T08:56:00.000-06:00

So I've been thinking a lot lately about culture. My culture to be specific. I had a conversation with a friend the other night and we were talking about what our cultures were exactly. However, culture is really hard to define for the average American. It is easier to look at China or Mexico or Kenya and see what their cultures are. But what is American culture?

Maybe I should define what culture is first. I just learned (30 mins ago in my very first class of the semester- Human Diversity!) a basic definition of culture:

Culture is a dynamic system of rules that
-can be implicit or explicit
-are established by groups to ensure survival
-involve attitudes, values, beliefs, norms, and behaviors
-are shared by a group but held differently by each unit within a group
-are communicated across generations
-are relatively stable but can change

I suppose our culture includes freedom, justice, independence, and a strong sense of rights. But beyond those abstract terms, our culture is quite diverse.

This got me thinking about my own culture. What is the dynamic set of rules of my family? A trait that I didn't realize was particularly unique is our supper ritual. Last week I had some friends over to my house and supper was ready while we were there. My parents invited them to join us, and since we weren't done with what we were doing, we took a break for supper. My two friends were both shocked to realize that we would be eating supper together - as a family, around a table. No TV. No newspaper. We have always had a "no reading at the table" rule (unless it was an encyclopedia, of course. =-D ). Just real food with real conversation with the whole family (that was in town anyway) around the kitchen table. One of my friends said besides holidays he didn't know when the last time was that his family sat around a table for supper. We just sat and talked to each other about our days and our lives and such. This is commonplace for me. It would be weird to be at home around supper time and not eat together. Even if we go out, we still do it together unless we have specific other plans. Supper is a group event. It's not a burden that you have to be home for supper and there's no getting out of it, but it's just an unwritten rule that we eat supper together if we are available.

For my intercultural communication class last year I had to actually define my culture with one idea. What is the thread that goes through every part of your family culture? What is irreplaceable in your cultural community? I thought about many things, but the thread in our "blanket of culture" is learning. It's a tricky thing, not nearly as tangible as food or conversation or cars. Just learning. But if one thinks about my family, it's true. The only exception to our reading rule? Reading the encyclopedia to find clarity on a subject. Often a subject through the years for my parents was sharing computer or networking knowledge so as to better supply the library or the church or our house with refined technology. And along with computers, how many computers did we have on and in use in our house at one point over break? Oh yeah. Seven. It's ridiculous, really. We're all always trying to better ourselves by learning more and experiencing more (and how did I better myself? I ditched Windows and got a Mac!). No one in my family just sits around all day and does nothing. We read books, we make music, we do puzzles, we work on projects, we make plans, we share opinions. Idleness is not a desire. A life without gaining knowledge is not an option. We learn through everything. And we in turn teach through everything. This seems to be the foundation of my family's culture.

What's your family's culture? Though it's maybe harder to define as an American, I think it's really important to take the time to define your culture; what makes you unique, what are your priorities, what do you value in certain situations. It makes communication with others a lot easier and more enjoyable when you define this for yourself. You may be surprised what is unique to your family!

P.S. Culture is not linked with race hardly at all anymore. Race is becoming a nonexistent term in relation to defining a person, especially in America. Here's a link my prof sent us that talks more about this. It's really interesting! http://www.pbs.org/race/002_SortingPeople/002_00-home.htm

Choices

2007-11-07T16:00:00.000-06:00

I feel old. I'm a few months under 21, and I feel old. I already feel myself looking at some people and saying, "Yeah, I remember when I was there. I really wish you knew what I know now" but at the same time knowing that they won't listen to me the same way that I probably wouldn't have listened to someone if they told me the same thing. Lessons like "you will make it through" and "worrying doesn't do a thing" and "that person is really not worth your time" and "God does provide" don't mean a thing until you learn it for yourself. It's a weird feeling to see people and actually probably knowing what's best for them, but knowing that that doesn't do either of us a whole lot of good. I guess I'm just growing up. I don't know how I feel about that though. This whole adulthood thing, is it really all it's cracked up to be? I told someone last night in Math Lab that I think a good upper division math class is all it takes to make you wish you were in high school again. Oh to be in high school where you can be ignorant of the real world and get by fine.

I think I understand a bit this quarter-life crisis thing. How to let go of adolescence and truly embrace adulthood? Erikson's 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development say that my crisis right now is Intimacy vs. Isolation. Do I choose relationships and love or myself and work? Right now as 3 tests, a paper, and an exegesis hang over my head for the next 1 1/2 weeks, I would absolutely love to choose exclusively relationships. :) But, alas, my classes require me to somehow balance them all. I have friends coming up to visit this weekend, which means I am only left with early Friday evening and late Sunday night to do an entire weekend's worth of homework. It is tempting to cancel the visit so I can keep up, and maybe (gasp!) get a little ahead. I could work non-stop the entire weekend and get good grades and pass everything with flying colors and get everything done that everyone has asked of me. Intimacy vs. Isolation. Is it okay to risk some grades that could put my GPA in jeopardy that could potentially dictate my job opportunities, all to spend time with some friends? Of course, this is a ridiculous question. Relationships will always remain a priority when conflicting with sometimes made-up career pressures. Yet isn't this a debate every college student has to face? It's in the balance that harmony is found, yet it's in searching for that balance that I feel old. I have to make life-altering decisions a lot it seems. I choose John over an hour of grading papers. I choose sleep over studying more. I choose lunch with homework over lunch with friends. What will I miss when I make these decisions? Will someone not get my support who needs it? Will my Calc class get frustrated that I don't get their papers back fast enough? I feel like I am constantly hanging in the balance, choosing between what I want, what I really need, what others want, what others really need. All of this just makes me tired. And makes me feel old. What happens when I choose others needs over my own? Will anyone choose my needs? I have learned the lesson that "I will make it through." Yet, sometimes I wonder, just a little bit, if that is always true. Will I really get everything done while still being a good roommate, a good girlfriend and friend, a good TA, a good education student? What goes first if I have to choose? Well, the first thing to go is always blog time. ;-)

No more choices. Can I stop?

Nope. Not an option. I am an adult, and I have to make responsible choices. Compromises and failures will happen. But that's how it goes. The greatest choice I've made though is that in favor of intimacy over isolation. Maybe I have to make choices a lot, but if my choices keep relationships as a priority, I think making choices will get easier. Or maybe they will keep getting harder. I'm hoping they'll feel easier though because I have continued supporting others who will return that support when I need it. I'm sure someone older than me knows the cliche that is learned through this lesson. I'll learn it well enough eventually. =)

My choice now: homework. Thanks for reading my tangent. =)

Umbrellas, Bike rides, and Calculus

2007-10-01T23:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a rainy day. Just all around. It drizzled for most of the morning, which started very early for me. I spent my morning in drab classrooms with tired teachers and tired students and dreary weather looming outside. Then my afternoon was spent in more trying classes. In American Government the prof introduced the new section with a true story he had heard personally from a woman who was a victim of sex trafficking as a child in Texas, tricked away from her family in Mexico. We spent the entire 50 minutes going into the physical pain, the emotional numbness, and spiritual questioning she went through. Then I went to Christian Scriptures II and watched the last half of the Jesus Film, thus seeing yet again in gruesome detail the crucifixion of Jesus. And as a person who is intensely affected by the pain of others, it was rough to take those in one after another. I've been thinking about why I was made this way. Why do I have such problems dealing with violence and pain that others can handle with ease? Why do things hurt me so much when I just see it on a movie or hear a story retold second hand? Why do things hurt me deeply that I have absolutely no experience with, like rape or verbal abuse. I've been thinking about these things and what role this is going to play in my life. Is there a reason God gave me these traits?

Anyway, as I went into Christian Scriptures knowing what was ahead I pulled out my calculus final. I'm finishing up independent study the calculus III class I started in the summer before my mission trip. The history major next to me who had just come from American Government too admitted that he wished he had some math to do just because it was easier to deal with. It's true. It was a relief to do math. Maybe that's why I like it so much. It's a break from all emotion (except frustration sometimes ;) ). I can become so easily detached from any stress from the day when I'm working on a homework problem, or this take-home final. When Jesus was getting tortured on the screen in front of me, I could look down at my math problem and find something I could deal with. Something I could control and depend on to not make me hurt. I know this is not a good solution for basically any given real life situation. I suppose I need to feel it when something hurts. I need to face head on the emotions that come at thoughts and pictures of the crucifixion, or a child being raped incessantly. But what happens then? While sitting in Christian Scriptures, there was nothing I could do. But calculus. Calculus I could do. So I did. I finished my final. Something was done.

This seems like a dreary day with not a positive aspect to it. But that's not at all true. Because although I had lost my umbrella months ago, just this weekend I bought a pretty blue one for such a time as this. Amanda and I argued whether her new red purse was more useful at cheering you up than my blue umbrella. I'm in full support of my umbrella. The day starts out worse, so it's easy to go up with a pretty umbrella. When the drizzle turned into a rain, I pulled out my bright umbrella and sang a song from Singin' In The Rain.

And ya know, the sun did come out later. After my afternoon classes were over John and I went for a bike ride. His dad brought up 2 bikes for him last weekend, so I get to use one sometimes. We rode around campus, me trying to remember how to go in a straight line and him doing willies all over the place. He let me keep one of the bikes for tonight so when I had to come back onto campus I didn't have to walk through the puddles. It's amazing what a bike ride with someone you love can do to blow away all your worries and stresses.

Tonight I rode my bike to math lab, where I help students who have troubles with their math homework. This has been a somewhat stressful job, as we are put under a lot of pressure to know all of the answers to all of the questions in all of the subjects covered at the snap of a finger. For all 20-some students that come in at a time. For 2 hours solid. Though I have not succeeded at living up to the genius of one of the other workers, I can answer some questions. I can pull out basic trig; I do know limits, and I do know compound interests. Though the pressure put on from the higher-ups is tiring and unfair, the rewards that come from successfully helping students with their math homework is overwhelming. I thought I would hate this job; many students have asked why in the world we would want to work this job. But every time something clicks for someone that hadn't clicked before, I know I'm where I need to be. I'm not perfect and I have to work with the other TA on some subjects, but things get done, and I feel good about it. And when I can tell Calc I students that I am finishing Calc III and voluntarily a math ed major, it warms my heart to see their disbelief and respect. I like this job. I like this career. And I like calculus.

I would chalk this up as a good day. The rain meant I got to use my new umbrella. The pain just made me appreciate the love that surrounds me, and the simple things like a bike to carry me through the puddles. The struggles with employers and hard problems fade when compared to the joy of helping a student and the contentment that comes with a right answer. Yeah, it's a good day.

That's Okay

2007-09-02T16:03:00.000-05:00

So you should know that I have been gone for a long time. I don't really know how to transition back into blogging with such a huge gap of time and substance on this blog, but I don't really have the time or the concern to catch up the blog on everything that happened this summer. Thus, you get only my current ramblings (though they are often related to this summer). I just thought I'd share my thoughts from this morning in reflection on this past week.

One of the greatest lessons I learned from my trip was that of contentment. How to be content in every circumstance, how to be pointedly present always in my circumstance, and how to bring about contentment for others in circumstances. In Africa, though a challenging place to start working on such a thing, proved to be an easier battlefield than college. Already I've come back and have fought angrily with my computer (countless times within the past week), I have gotten angry when professors weren't available, I've spent too much time worrying and sharing my worries with others about specific situations, I've complained about my schedule and my classes. I've been anything but content; I've been angry and frustrated and impatient and stressed and extremely discontent. Even while feeling those things, I knew these weren't things that have been pivotal parts of my life for the last 3 months, and seemed out of place now. And yet, that didn't make them go away. My peace of mind has been shattered and all I've left myself with are splinters that jab my every thought. Why can't I practice contentment when I'm at home or school, where I should be the most content? It very much was a hard lesson to learn in Africa, yet it was one I prepared to face and fought daily. Now, my guard is down, and I get overwhelmed easily.

This morning we sang a song at church that wasn't familiar to me, but it brought me back to my contentment of Africa. Here are the lyrics (or as close as I could find on the internet):

Teach me Thy way, O Lord, teach me Thy way!
Thy guiding grace afford, teach me Thy way!
Help me to walk aright, more by faith, less by sight;
Lead me with heav’nly light, teach me Thy way!

When I am sad at heart, teach me Thy way!
When earthly joys depart, teach me Thy way!
In hours of loneliness, in times of dire distress,
In failure or success, teach me Thy way!

When doubts and fears arise, teach me Thy way!
When storms o’erspread the skies, teach me Thy way!
Shine through the cloud and rain, through sorrow, toil and pain;
Make Thou my pathway plain, teach me Thy way!

Forgive me, God, and help me to try again. Help me to practice contentment now, no matter my circumstances. If you want me to be content without internet and television, that's okay. If you want me to be content hiking around campus, that's okay. If you want me to be content spending more time working and studying than with my friends and boyfriend, that's okay. If you want me to face hardships and relationship difficulties and discomfort, that's okay. If you want me to not get as much sleep or to not eat as much food or to not spend as much money, that's okay. I'm okay with that. I know I have you, and that's more than enough. Just teach me your ways; give me your peace and contentment. Quiet me heart and draw me close to you.

The Widow and Her Coins

2007-04-20T23:26:00.000-05:00

Money is a tricky thing. It's a difficult subject to bring up with people. Whether you're discussing how they've spent their money, giving them money, or asking for money, it's a very sensitive subject. I feel like it is one of the most universally sensitive subjects. This is why I hate fundraising for my mission trip. I feel like I've asked so many people for money; some have responded very generously, some have responded not as generously as they could; while some have not responded at all. I take no offense to anyone belonging to the latter of these groups. It's not my money, I respect anyone's desire to spend their money how they'd like. What has really shocked me however is those who give beyond what is asked. I have never known such a rich outpouring of blessings before in such a real way as I know now. I have received money from people who really couldn't but still made room in their budget. Their kindness is greatly appreciated and will always be remembered. I will also never forget those who gave out of their abundance, for that is a blessing for me and for you. But let me share one of the greatest blessing I have received during this fundraising process.

Some people who raise money for mission trips belong to large churches with great budgets and large pockets and have little trouble reaching the goal. I am not one of those. My church at home runs about 50-60 and is made up of middle-class citizens. My church at school runs about 30 and is made up of retired farmers. Not much to draw from. Yet my college church, a source I almost dismissed because I thought it to be futile, has blown me away with its givings. I decided to go ahead and at least talk to my pastor from there, the chair of the history department at Olivet. He said he would talk to the church during their next community meeting and ask. He mentioned they had funds set aside for this sort of thing, and that they wouldn't take an offering, just draw from that fund. This was about a month ago that I talked to him and various things have happened since. Two more college students that attend that church are going on mission trips. Though they also were not going to ask that church for money, the church found out and gave no option but that funds would be given. They called a special meeting a few weeks ago and we found out today how things are sizing up. This tiny church full of people with children to assist, grandchildren to spoil, and medical bills to pay, has given beyond what is required. They basically emptied out their checking account of all but was necessary to give to us. This is about $2000. But knowing there are 3 of us going on trips, they decided that wasn't enough. They have started collecting offerings from the church members and have added another $1500 to that. The money will be split 2 ways, half for me and half for the other 2 (my trip costs about twice as much). This means I am receiving $1750 from this church. This church which I almost wrote off as a waste of time for fundraising. I didn't know any of their financial situations. For all I knew they were all in poverty. How could I ask them for money? How could I beg them to stretch their funds to assist my trip - me, someone they've only known for less than a whole school year. Why would I even expect them to want to help me?

Now I'm learning to ask, "why would I want to keep someone from worshiping God with their money?" Money is indeed a touchy subject, but mostly because we make it so. We're so sensitive, so scared of losing it (I fall overwhelmingly into this category), and yet the blessings that are shared all around when money is given and received with loving and cheerful hearts is so far beyond anything hoarding money can ever give.

I used to be embarrassed to tithe. In fact, I've never given in check but only in cash so no one could monitor how much my 10% really is. I never saw my tithe as really worth that much because I felt it couldn't really go that far. Half way through this fundraising process I made a decision that I would keep on tithing no matter where I was or how much money I had. If I was going to ask people to share their wealth with me, I should share my wealth with my church(es). This has been an amazing experience. I am still a long way from releasing my fears of debt and poverty, but I'm slowly releasing all of this. And now I know that God really does provide. I know it's cliche, but when things like this happen that just blow your mind away, all you can conclude is that God provides. I get a little emotional every week when I get my balance statement with the list of donations. Whether the gift is $25.00 or $500, I am moved by the generosity of everyone who's given monetarily. Yet, I know all of this is a great result of prayer. The prayers offered up by friends and family have been just as appreciated as the money. I know those prayers are there and I know they're making a difference.

"Sitting across from the offering box, Jesus was observing how the crowd tossed money in for the collection. ... One poor widow came up and put in two small coins—a measly two cents. Jesus called his disciples over and said, "The truth is that this poor widow gave more to the collection than all the others put together. All the others gave what they'll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn't afford—she gave her all." -Mark 12:41-44

Thank you for giving

My Obsession

2007-04-03T22:21:00.000-05:00

It clouds my thoughts throughout most of every evening. It is something I barter for and will make room for in my schedule no matter what the sacrifice. It's something people have noted as a great love in my life that they realize gets priority over any conflict. It's something I gave up a little of for Lent because I knew that would be a sacrifice for me.

No, it's not Grey's Anatomy.

No, it's not my boyfriend.

What is it? It's sleep. I am obsessed with sleeping. This may be a surprise to some people, as I'm not one to take naps ever or sleep the whole day through (though my parents may argue otherwise). But I am one to go to bed as soon as I get a chance to. Yes, I make exceptions and will stay up late with friends sometimes. Yet, on an average week night at college, I am in bed between 11 and 12. And with nothing before 9:00 am any given day of the week, you can guess how much sleep I get. Then the weekend comes. However, with Lent this year I decided that I was getting too obsessed with sleep and was getting more than I needed to. I know, I know, what kind of college student am I? (I also don't procrastinate. I sometimes feel a little left out of the crowd because of these two qualities) So I decided I would not get more than 9 hours of sleep a night. That may seems like a lot of sleep still and that I'm not sacrificing much, but college students actually should get between 8.5 and 9.5 hours of sleep a night to fully function. 9 hours is the easiest to figure within that range. This cuts out sleeping in on the weekends, sleeping in when I don't have class till 11, and going to bed early if I'm tired.

The latter is what applies to my current situation. I've had a tiring day including a hard test, a nasty headache, a group project meeting, a work out session, and a heavy backpack carried around on my back for 9 hours (ask my friends, I definitely have the heaviest backpack around). I'm tired, I'm done with my homework for the day, I have a big day tomorrow, and all I can think about is how nice it would be to be in bed right now. I've actually been thinking about it since about 9:00. But if I go to bed now, I have to get up at 7:30. Though this is tempting to do so I can get an early start for my homework tomorrow, I know my body will not be willing to get up at 7:30 if it doesn't have to.

The problem that I've found with my Lent sacrifice is that I've become more obsessed. I'm constantly counting the hours to figure out the absolute best time to go to bed to get the max 9 hours. I've probably gotten an overall higher average of sleep during this time than I have previously because I refuse to stay up late when I know I can't "make up" the hours another night. My roommates hold a different sleeping pattern too, which makes all of this interesting. The most extreme opposite of them is the go to bed at 3am, get up at 3pm on the weekends, and they both take daily naps. I don't have time for naps; plus I don't really know how to account for them in my 9 hour scheme.

John and I were doing devotions together this past week and we were reading the passage where Paul talks about all of the horrible things he's been through (shipwrecks, beatings, stoning, jail time, etc) and toward the end of the passage he says, "I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep..." As soon as we read that I said, "Oh man, I could not do that!" Why is it that of all the things, going without sleep is the one thing that would push me beyond the limits? Really, I meant the combination of all those things, and then on top of that not getting any sleep that would be so difficult to me. Still, that is absurd that sleep rules my life that much.

I think why sleep is so important to me is because it is not only my physical and mental recuperation, it is also my social recuperation. As a borderline extrovert/introvert, I'm basically an extrovert during the day and an introvert during the night. Generally past 10:30 I'm not really able to be civil if my buttons are pushed at all. I'm not able to tolerate annoyances or silliness or groups of people. I get in this "I will do everything required of me to get me to bed as soon as possible, but nothing more" mode when I go little beyond politeness toward everyone who doesn't understand this mode. Those that understand, I depend on and can hold conversations with. To those that don't, I become terse and quiet. When my social side is done, I want sleep, and it's very discouraging to me to not get it. It's not really sleep itself even, it's being by myself in a warm comfortable place, being in the dark, and not having to think about anything in particular or talk to anyone.

My question is: what am I going to do in Africa if I can't get enough sleep? I don't really need 9 hours of sleep all the time; that's fine. 7 will do for me for awhile. But what will I do to these people who are mostly community-centered and family-centered and probably aren't selfish about their sleeping habits like I am? What if I'm with a team full of extroverts? My profile personality test they gave me told me I was an extrovert that avoided being alone at all costs. I'm really tempted to send them an email telling them that's not true. I even tricked the personality test into thinking I was a through and through extrovert. This may be a problem. This may be another way God will push me to the limits. I don't know how many limits can be pushed if I don't have enough sleep time though. Hmm.

Well, it's 11 now. I think it's my bed time. G'night all. :)

PS

2007-03-15T00:13:00.000-05:00

Happy PI Day!!

From Olivet's new Math Club Co-President!

What I'm doing with my summer

2007-03-14T23:25:00.000-05:00

So I realized that I have been neglecting my blog readers in the big news of my life. This summer I'm going on a mission trip through Youth In Mission to Benin/Togo in Africa. I will be gone for 2 months (May 29th through July 29th). I'll be doing things like coordinating VBS, teaching ESL (which I'm actually doing right now with some hispanics from the Bourbonnais community, so that's exciting), leading worship services, participating in leadership workshops, helping in youth and children's ministry, and general evangelism.

This is a terribly exciting opportunity and I have no idea what to expect. I just know that in preparation for this trip I need to be super organized, super on top of things, figure out how to do everything on my To Do list, and be a great multi-tasker (how else should I manage to complete the semester while raising $4000, getting shots, learning French, getting appropriate attire for the trip, and mentally preparing for being on another continent for 2 months?). Then within a matter of a weekend I need to figure out how to drop all those qualities about me and prepare to have no expectations of time limits, schedules, and to do lists to accomplish. Basically stop being American. It's going to be a little difficult, but I'm looking forward to it. They suggest you don't wear a watch while you're over there so you don't get tied to it. I gave up wearing my watch for Lent one year. It's that significant to me. And yet today in chapel I was reminded of something that has always been a motto of mine: People are more important than things. Yeah, okay, so I show up late for stuff and am known for it. But I'm almost always talking to someone. People are more important than schedules. People are more important than schedules. Just think, I may get to go 2 months without ever needing my "fast mode." I think I like the practical lessons I'll learn while on this trip.

However, that's not really my intent for going. I'm still trying to figure out fully why I signed on for this trip. I think a lot had to do with my need to see Christianity outside of lazy America. Some of it had to do with my lack of faith because of how huge my comfort zone was. Some of it had to do with knowing that there will be few opportunities outside of college when I can participate in something like this. I want to go somewhere where people's lives are radically changed when they live for God. That doesn't really happen here. Did you know that Benin is where Voodooism was first founded? Being a Christian means something there. And it should mean something here. I'm excited to learn the stories of the people there, to find how they worship there, and then to take a part in it. It's exciting to think that maybe I can make a difference while I'm there, but I also know that I'm not a great American coming in to teach them how to do everything. I'm serving and assisting there as they need help. I'm working to make sure I am coming into all of this with the right attitude about it all. My mom bought me the book Serving with Eyes Wide Open: Doing Short-term Missions with Cultural Intelligence by David A. Livermore. It's excellent and I'm learning a lot.

So that's what I have to say about my mission trip I guess. Oh, and if you want to donate money to me, I have a nifty little website: http://web.nazarene.org/goto/SondraLynn. As you can see there I haven't raised much money yet, and I'm still trying to figure out how it's all going to come together. But, alas, it will. :) I pray about it daily and this is one thing I know is going to be a great test of my faith and patience and also a great revelation of God's capabilities. It'll be interesting in the end to see where it all comes from.

Maybe from you?

"It's like she's 5!"

2007-02-07T22:32:00.000-06:00

For some reason, people tell me this a lot. I'm not sure exactly what I do to make people say this. Somtimes I'm just being silly. Sometimes I'm releasing my inhibitions and acting like a little kid. Other times, like today, it comes because of quite another reason.

I was walking out of Christian Scriptures I, when an older man that's in our class caught up with me. He brought up the devotional that I had done in class last week. I had read a page from Listening To Your Life: Daily Meditations with Frederick Buechner and then closed in prayer. Our professor gets rather annoyed if you go over 2 minutes with your devo, so I kept it short and sweet. What caught his attention though was my closing to prayer with "We love you. Amen." He said my "love you" sounded like I was a 5 year old talking to her parents. He said it had really touched him and he told his family about it. This was so cool to me, as I was very unsure if anyone had even heard my devotional. But it's more than just a reassurance that people were listening. It was a reassurance that it's okay to be 5. In fact, sometimes it's better. People like you better if you're 5 years old (How excited do you get to see a toddler staring at you in a store? How excited do you get to see a 40 year old staring at you in a store?). Jesus told us we should be like little 5 year olds. I think I can be 5. I want to be 5 in my silliness, in my ability to love unconditionally, and my prayer skills. Well, at least I got the first one down.

"...Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

It's been one of those kind of semesters...

2007-02-05T00:00:00.000-06:00

It’s been one of those kinds of days
and I feel so out of place
and I hate everything, everything
I hate everything but you

-Derek Webb, "I Hate Everything (But You)"

That's not entirely true. But sometimes I just feel that way.

[picture from www.explodingdog.com]

Not so bad

2007-01-31T23:08:00.000-06:00

So it's really cold here. I know it's cold elsewhere. But it's also cold here. This evening I was walking to inner campus, and a girl drove up and asked me if I needed a ride. I'd never met this girl before. I've never even seen her before. Maybe not all of mankind is so bad.

The Real Me

2007-01-29T22:55:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am and who I want to be. I want to be a person who is selfless; who has the calm but confident spirit about her. Someone who you can hear God in every syllable of every word. I want to be quiet but approachable. I want to be warm, open, and vulnerable. I want to be a combination of all the women I look up to in my life.

But who am I right now? Can we say, "none of the above"? I don't feel like I am any of those. Maybe I desire those qualities because they're everything I'm not. But even things like selflessness, which isn't a personality trait, I feel so far from. I actually feel like I was closer to it in the past. Recently I was going through old Word files on my computer. I found the one a friend wrote about me and how I had a profound effect on his life. It filled me with feelings of gratitude, humbleness, and excitement all over again. But, would anyone write a paper like that about me now? I doubt it. I feel like I'm not changing anyone's life for the better. Can I really have regressed from high school to college? I think in a lot of ways people are figuring out who I really am - the tarnished, imperfect sinner that I am - and are getting used to it. I'm losing my facade, and I'm also losing my journey toward truly being what that facade was. I've become complacent - again - and I feel its effects are very visible to those who know me. I want to stop it all, but I feel this overwhelming sense of a lack of time and a lack of faith and confidence in myself and God. Can the "real me" be changed?

"'After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.' Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the Lord. -Jeremiah 31:19-20

"I accept you"

2007-01-14T22:30:00.000-06:00

My birthday was this past Tuesday. I turned 20. And with the nifty little birthday reminder on Facebook, I was bombarded with facebook wall messages wishing me a happy birthday. It was very exciting; each time I came back to my room I'd check my facebook for more messages. I counted around 40 messages, plus I few emails, phone calls, and many in-person birthday wishes. This is fun. Birthday wishes make me feel very special. That evening my friends and I got together and after supper we went to get pie from Bakers Square. I got to wear the Birthday Girl crown. We just sat and laughed and took pictures and enjoyed our amazing pie.

This weekend our group of friends got together and made some memories that will last forever. Friday night John, Kellie, and I wanted to watch Little Miss Sunshine. But with the annoyingness of lobbies and the lack of open dorms, we made our own space by sitting in the back of John's car and putting the laptop on the console. We snuggled in and had no problems hearing our movie and no distractions (besides maybe being a little cold). After the movie was over, we were inspired to dance in the cold rain like a Super Freak (seen the movie?).

Saturday night the "group" got together and we played Picture Telephone. Again, memories I will never forget. The Red Room was extremely quiet except for the 7 of us having problems breathing because we were laughing so much. I hope we make that game a regular part of our times together. With all of our horrible drawing skills yet very precise writing (not spelling, however) skills and our morbid minds, we will never forget the super ninja and his nunchucks, the anorexic rabbit, and the meat cleaver with jaws of death.

So I have my extensive list of friends who wish me a happy birthday, over half of whom I haven't held a 5+ minute conversation within the last, oh, 3 months. It's very nice that they remember me and write on my wall, but really, how much is that worth? It makes me sad when I go home and see people or come back to college and see people and think, "Hmm, remember when I was friends with that person?" Remember when that person knew what was going on in my life and I knew what was going on in theirs? Remember when that person cared about what was going on in my life? Then, there are the people that I hang out with now. Whether at home or at school, these are the people that are here to stay. Today at Denny's we saw a group of elderly people eating lunch and Amanda said, "When we're old, can we do that?" Though that's asking a lot that we all stay in the same place, it's still something that we would do, if we were in the same place at any time, and something I can see us doing for a long time after college.

In high school I used to spread myself so thin. I was friends with basically every group there was in my high school and enjoyed hanging out with many in those groups. Even now I like finding people on facebook and I'm always super excited to meet new people. But what do I do with new people? I hang out with them for the semester that we have a class together, and then I basically never see them again. We remain in contact by exchanging birthday wishes. Or a smile when we cross paths. Though this is very frustrating to me, I really don't want to be tight with every person I have on facebook. I like my group of 7 or so. They accept me. They know the in's and out's of me. They know what I like and don't like. They know my moods, and they know that I want quality time with people more than I want fancy birthday wishes. They know I'm a "postmodern liberal" and a Nazarene and lots of other things all wrapped up. They know how darn complicated I am and make things. But they accept me. They know me and accept me. I have no worries of being judged by them because I know they're the same as me. Tonight I was sad and venting to John about a situation and he responded with the title of this blog: "I accept you." It was all that I needed. With the stress of starting new classes and meeting new people and figuring out new situations, being accepted is what I need. And not just from a boyfriend, but from all my close friends. That's exactly what they give me, and what I work to return to them as much as possible.

Birthday wishes are nice. But quality time with people who know you? Perfect.

What is Church?

2006-12-03T13:43:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about this question some lately, especially with some specific happenings in my life. I've grown up in the Wesleyan Protestant tradition and have always seen the typical ways of that church as what church was. Things like hymns, testimonies, sermons, special singing, and readings are present in most of my thoughts of church. But with the post-modern era becoming more and more real in the church today, is the traditional and timeless church or the unorthodox and vibrant church a portrayal of what church really is and should be? With my Wesleyan ways being down the middle of the two, I've had a window into each of the extremes recently that have caused my wonderings.

The first of those came on Miami Ink on TLC. For those of you who don't watch TLC, Miami Ink is a show of a tattoo parlor in Miami, FL and it is based around the day in and day out of the parlor. It focuses on the tattoos given and the people they are given to. They always involve the story behind the tattoo and an insight into the life of the person being adorned with it. One particular person and tattoo that has stood out in my mind is that of a pastor. He was in his 20's probably and getting a tattoo with a picture of blue face of Jesus and underneath it it said, "Born to RAZE hell." He talked about how he uses all of his [many] tattoos as a way to reach people. When someone looks at his tattoos or asks about them, he can use them as a way to evangelize. He said that after he became saved he felt a calling to evangelism, both through tattoos and a church. He said he was standing outside a punk show and saw all the misfits and outcasts that were leaving the show and he felt God tell him to take care of these kids and build a church for these kids. So he did. It showed a short clip of this church on the show and you saw a large room filled with people all sitting on the floor, and you saw him in front in jeans and a tshirt and his tattoos preaching to these kids. You couldn't understand what he was saying but at the end of the clip you see him jump in the air and invite the congregants to jump with him, which they did. This guy was sharing Jesus' love through tattoos and a church for misfits (which, side note, is who the Church of the Nazarene kind of started out being for... the poor and the lowly, like the people from Nazareth.).

My second portrayal of church occurred today when I went to Chicago with Amanda's Russian History class to a Russian Orthodox Church. This church has an immense history; bearing the home of the first martyr of the Russian Orthodox Church under Joseph Stalin, when he returned to Russia after being a missionary to America to encourage the brethren there. He was the first of thousands of Russian Orthodox Christian priests to die for his faith. Also, this church was designed by Louis Sullivan, who was a mentor to Frank Lloyd Wright. The walls were covered (I counted 40 pictures just within my peripheral vision) with pictures of Russian and American saints along with pictures of Jesus and and his disciples and the "ever-virgin Mary" (or Lady Theotokos). The entire service was scripted in the Divine Liturgy book, which gave the parts of the priest, the deacon, and the choir (which we joined in on). Periodically throughout the service the deacon would shake a lamp which contained incense at all the saint's pictures. The entire service, with the exception of the short sermon and the announcements, was sang as a recitative in basically the same tune. The tricky part was when lines had more words than their tune allowed for and we had to force the extra words into about 2 seconds to make things work. The church continued on to communion, where only the "traditional Orthodox Christians" could partake and was done by the priest spooning a piece of bread that had been soaking in the wine into the mouth of the person partaking while the altar boys held a red cloth up to the person's neck as a bib. Whenever the trinity was mentioned (which was quite often) all Orthodox Christians crossed themselves up, down, right, then left, and sometimes down to the ground to represent prostration before God in worship. The entire service, except the nonsung parts, was a prayer to God on behalf of the sick, the civil authorities, the church leaders, the dead, and was pelted with the phrase "Lord have mercy." The service ended with a prayer recited in the Russian language, then all the Orthodox Christians went to the front and kissed the cross which was held by the head priest.

Wow. Can we really call both the punk church and this Orthodox church church? Can these really be worshipping the same God? Can these really both survive as the Church and be blessed as the church of God? Though I find things I don't like in both of these churches (for one, would I honestly feel excepted in either of these churches?), which is going to last? Which is going to best represent God? Though in my mind the Orthodox Church seems a dying breed with the present age of spontaneity and nontraditional church practices, can this church with no history and no network outside of Miami survive the ups and downs of the society in terms of religious interests? Maybe the happy medium quasi-spontaneous, quasi-traditional, and extremely networked Nazarene Church is more of an accurate portrayal of a lasting church? Maybe, as I've heard said, Church is going to stop being held in church buildings altogether and will become small groups meeting in coffee shops and restaurants and libraries: disconnected from large groups of believers, but very connected to the nonreligious of the world.

Frederick Buechner once said, "There is perhaps no better proof for the existence of God then the way year after year he survives the way his professional friends promote him." I was thinking about that a lot as I was pondering all of these things. Though that quote implies a gross and hypocritical misrepresentation of God, I think also it can apply to the wide variation of representations of God. However, no matter what church can be defined as, I know what I've seen in all of the above mentioned places: community. In the Russian Orthodox Church we found a community of believers who warmly welcomed us and asked if we had any questions and encouraged us to come back. I bet I would find the same in the punk rock church. This is found in my home church and my college church. People who really care about each other and about the people who walk through their doors. A church is family and families don't die off very easily. Maybe they'll all manage to last through the ages. I hope. I think God needs us to represent more sides of Him and his love than what can be found in one denomination or one individual church. I think God can speak through all these churches. Yeah, I think God's big enough.

Top 10 Coolest Things

2006-11-03T15:36:00.000-06:00

So since my classes are pretty much my life, this is all I have to talk about. However, since I'm a math ed major, most people don't want to hear about my classes. BUT I do have a class that is super interesting that I'd like to share information from. Astronomy. What a cool class! People keep telling me I should major in astronomy since I like it so much. But I'm not. Because there is no astronomy major, and it's not really practical. It's just a hobby. So here's a Top 10 list of the coolest things I've learned in Astronomy:

1. How far up in the sky the North Star is depends on where you are latitudinally. So North Star at Bourbonnais is 43° above the horizon at all times... Bourbonnais is 43° above the Equator.

2. The North Star isn't always what the Earth's northern axis points at. Just like a top, the Earth wobbles as it spins. Only it takes 26,000 years to get one wobble around. So, like 6,000 years ago, the axis pointed at a star in Draco the Dragon or the Big Dipper, and that was the star that never moved in our sky.

3. Because of the above, Astrology isn't presently accurate (ignoring the fact that it's not really accurate anyway). What I mean is, zodiac signs are off. Zodiac signs are based off of when a constellation passes the celestial equator, and they were organized and first used many many years ago. So they're not completely correct. I'm actually a Sagittarius, not a Capricorn. Resultingly, I'm a completely different person. Who knew love wasn't actually in the air for me?

4. The highest the sun ever gets in south in winter is 26° off the horizon. That's not very high. That's a little more than half the height of where the North Star is for us.

5. As mass increases, temperature of an object also increases, and the color changes. Hottest objects are blue, coolest are red or yellow. Thus, Sun is a smaller, cooler star.

6. You can fit 4 moons across the diameter of the Earth.
You can fit 30 Earth's in the space between the Earth and the Moon.
You can fit 110 Earths across the diameter of the Sun.
You can fit 2 of the Moon's orbits across the diameter of the Sun.
You can fit 110 Suns in the space between the Sun and the Earth.

7. The sun has been around for about 4.5 billion years. Will probably be around for another 5 billion years.

8. When the Sun gets to the end of its life, thermonuclear fusion in the core will start moving outward toward the surface. As it moves outward, the Sun will expand dramatically and will become a Red Giant. So large that it will touch Mars' orbit. Meaning, it will swallow up Mercury, Venus, and Earth.

9. Mathematicians have figured out how to combat the above. If we start now, we can build huge rockets that can push the Earth's orbit out so much each year that by the time the Sun starts expanding, we will be out of its reach.

10. After the Sun is a Red Giant for a while, it will eventually, like all the other low-mass stars when they get to this stage, release all of its gases and all that will be left will be the core, which is called a White Dwarf, essentially, its skeleton. A White Dwarf star is made up of highly compressed carbon. What else is highly compressed carbon? Diamonds. So Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds wasn't so far off. So why don't we just harvest these stars and take the diamond? Because White dwarf stars are incredibly dense. 40% of a star packs down into a star about the size of the Earth. See #6. A White Dwarf star is so dense, a teaspoon of its material would weigh about 5 tons on Earth. Have fun carrying that home. =)

So... do you feel small?

What I've Been Listening To Lately

2006-10-03T21:45:00.000-05:00

"A King and A Kingdom"

who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants

my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we’ve got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think

-Derek Webb, MockingBird

Field Experience

2006-09-24T13:32:00.000-05:00

For my Education and Development Psychology class I am required to volunteer in a multicultural educational setting. I have to put in 15 hours and they assign me to a school. I signed up for an after school program, so I am volunteering at King Middle School near downtown Kankakee. I had my first experience Thursday, which is the same day that I will be experiencing this every week for the rest of this semester. I walked in the cafeteria with another girl from my class and was overwhelmed by the students. 4th through 6th grade. Probably 50-60 students. I was excited but quite nervous. Luckily I found out soon after that this was just the snack break and soon we'd be splitting up into our smaller classrooms and working on various subjects. I was assigned to Mr. Love and was handed an attendance sheet and was told where my class was generally sitting. Not a girl in sight. Ooooh boy. :) We eventually went to our classroom where I sat as not only the only girl, but also the only caucasian. There were 2 hispanic boys, and 8 black males, including the teacher. And me. Ha. This is a little different from North Daviess. I was very excited. Though I just observed that first day, when I talked to Mr. Love, he said he'd just let me take over next week. Ha. But I realized that I'm really excited to do that too. I don't want to just observe. I was quite bored. I was doing the synonym and antonym problems in my head along with them while reading as many posters and papers around me as I could. I tend to read everything in sight when I'm bored. I also worked on the names of the boys and tried to figure out their personalities and figure out how to work with each one of them. Raul is smart. He is the kid who succeeds as long as he's focused. He does well when he doesn't give into peer pressure. He's best friends with this kid (what's his name) who gives into peer pressure a lot more than Raul. The peer pressure's name is Daniel. The kid who hit his growth spurt earlier than everyone else and who is always cracking jokes and who rarely really applies himself. Christopher is the kid who is just a good kid. He works hard, does what the teacher says, but still struggles some. These are good kids. And Mr. Love is a good teacher. More than once he told a kid who was obediently raising his hand "Put your hand down, I don't want to talk to you." Teehee. :) He was also the teacher who made his class to stand up straight and threatened many times to force the kids to write a word 100 times if they wouldn't be quiet and leave the other kids alone. And he's also the teacher who pulled Daniel out of the classroom because he was just being obnoxious. He's a good teacher. You can tell the kids respect him. Yeah, this is gonna be good times.

My second field experience for personal satisfaction occurred at Zoar Community Church this morning. ZCC is pastored by William and Joan Dean, the history department chair (I believe) and the graduate program's chaplain, respectively. This church contains approximately 25-30 people, maybe 5 of which (including we 3 that attended that morning) were under the age of 50. We sang hymns so old that even I barely knew them and sang to accompaniment of an organ. After the service we stayed after and talked with many of the members of the church and learned about this history of the church, how much they loved Dr. Dean and his wife, and mostly, how we need to come back again. It was wonderful.

My third field experience will (finally) be coming in the form of homegroups. Yes!! Starting tonight at 6pm, we will be traveling to the home of Corey Zink and family (whether that's a guy or girl, we will soon find out). We have our group picked out and I am so excited to get started. I assume since they said "family" that they will have kids. So the kids are probably young, they are probably young, and yet another age group will be made contact with. I don't have much of an idea what to expect, but I'm elated at the idea of finally getting started.

Who said college has to be spent with people your age? Who said you have to stay in the bubble when attending Olivet? Who said you have to limit your contact to only people who live at Olivet? Who said you have to limit your field experience to college-related and college-fruitful learning? Who said?

Why?

2006-08-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

Why do things have to be so hard? Why do things have to not work out just like you want them to? Why can things never be completely perfect when they should be? Why do the people around you have to get hurt and stretched and pulled and you have no idea what to do for them?

I sat in Amanda and Laurryn's room by myself in the dark for awhile this afternoon, just praying for all the people that are struggling around me. It's frustrating to me when I run out of words. When I just have to sit there in my silence that is so full of emotion and thoughts but can't form themselves into words, in my head or in my mouth. I'm just stuck. Stuck in other people's pain and confusion, wishing so hard that I could do something and help someway and solve the problems that pull down each of these people. At one point an eyelash fell to my cheek. I felt it and look at it on my finger. I wished for answers. I blew on the eyelash. And blew. And blew. The eyelash didn't move. Why can't wishing for it make answers come? Why can't even praying for it make answers come? Why can't reason or love or striving make answers come?

Disappointingly, the only answer that came to my head was cliche and vague: "'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you...'" Plans to prosper and not to harm. I don't even bother now with the theology of how specific those plans actually are. Plans to prosper and not to harm. I suppose that's good enough. I suppose that's the most of an answer God's actually going to give to me. I suppose this is supposed to comfort me some. On second thought, maybe I'm not the one that God needs to be comforting and He knows that. How are you supposed to be strong and upbeat when you feel this burden? God's not going to lift it off of my shoulders because it's not me that is a concern.

God, please grant peace to those who need it right now. Please.

Grant us peace, Jesus grant us peace.
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight.
But maybe not, not today.
Peace might be another world away.
And if that's the case,
We'll give thanks to you with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in you
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
in abundance or in need.
And if you never grant us peace,
But Jesus would you please?

Old Friends

2006-08-07T20:35:00.000-05:00

I remember walking around the church after dark, playing revolution in NYI, camping at Boggs and telling ghost stories while I pretended I was brave. I remember being scared of Matt, being the go-to girl for Leah, youth services, watching as a 6th grader Amanda and Leah attempting to do precalculus and wondering what the heck they were doing. I remember long quizzing practices where no one had practiced except Andrew, girls nights where we thought the moon was a pickle, and extensive discussions from the college kids about how much they missed Olivet and didn't feel at home and my heart breaking inside. I remember Ben's wedding and sweating in the sun at the reception. I remember Leah's wedding and my first experience as a bridesmaid. I remember seeing Matt in Praize and Zion's Wake and wondering how many poor jr hi/high school girls were in love with him. I remember Andrew G countless times trying to convince me to skip 2+years of high school and go to college like him, or that I should, at the very least, learn a programming language. I remember sand volleyball at the Ketchem's and so many fake attempts to throw me into the pond. I remember uncomfortable discussions in NYI about sex, and the very few times in NYI lessons when I as a 7th grader or so said something worthwhile. I remember movie nights at the Stanley's, calling Leah every day during the summer and saying, "What do you wanna do today?" and the hobbies we picked up during the summer (golf, fishing, cake baking, sign language, etc).

I just finished talking to Leah Malone-Stump. I updated her on the old youth group. 2 married, 3 engaged, 6 completely single, 3 living in other states, all out of college and trying to find their place in this world. I told her I realized that I knew all this about all these people but I hadn't really thought about all of them at the same time in a long time. I wonder about each of them from time to time, thinking that I should give them a call. But some excuse almost always comes up. It's good that a few still live at/near home so I do see them. But what about the others? This was an amazing close-knit group full of talented people who should have every reason to be friends for the rest of their lives, or at least stay in contact. I was a bridesmaid in Leah's wedding for goodness sake, yet how long has it been since I've talked to her? 11 months since we last chatted. Longer since we talked on the phone. Even longer since we saw each other in person. If a group of people that grew up together and have countless memories, good and bad, can grow apart so easily, how easily are my other friendships going to fade as years pass? There are so many people that when I think about I find myself saying, "No, we won't lose our friendship!" But, how likely is it, really?

Though I'm pretty sure no one from that youth group still/ever reads my blog, I guess this is my way to say I miss the 'ol' gang.' But, alas! do not be down hearted, for I bring good news of great joy that will be for all you people. Today, Leah and I discussed an old NYI group reunion. Someday, somewhere a majority of us (or those of us who have nothing better to do) will reune (reunite? I think I like reune better. =) ). And they all rejoiced. ... ...

yay!

Diamond

2006-07-21T13:12:00.000-05:00

Have you ever read a book that you never wanted to end? Everything about it is exactly where you want to be and who you want to be and you just don't want to leave. I don't know how fiction books affect other people, but it's hard for me after I put down a book; it's hard to remember who I am, where I am, and what my surroundings are. I just finished reading At the Back of the North Wind by George MacDonald. Not that I want to be at the back of the north wind, but I want to be that little boy. Sometimes if I got interrupted from reading that book I would talk to people in almost the same frame of mind as the little boy had. He was an extremely obedient boy and people had one of two opinions of him: a silly not-all-there boy, or a genius who has truly discovered what life is meant to be. No matter the opinon though, all loved him. And he loved everyone he met and thought better of them than he thought himself. Even the people who were mean to him he knew were just misunderstood and were just in need of some love. I want to be friends with this boy. I want to be just like this little boy. The narrator, whenever relaying a bit about Diamond (the boy) that seemed too unrealistic to be true, always reminded the readers that this boy had been to the back of the North Wind. He had visited this place and had a different outlook on life than those who hadn't. He knew what life could be, and he recognized when the North Wind was moving in other people's lives. He knew how to treat people and didn't care how people treated him, for his mind was always at the Back of the North Wind, and he often didn't even notice if people weren't treating him like the special boy that he was. He practically glowed with tranquility and restfulness. He was always looking forward to seeing the North Wind again, but was patient and present in everything he did.

So obviously a strong metaphor exists in this fairytale. But to live like this... Is that really possible? For me, the most difficult to grasp yet immensely desired quality for a person to display is to be able to "live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness" (1 Timothy 2:2). Aah, how do you even begin that? More than anything though, I want most to be known as a woman with a peaecful and quiet spirit. But more and more that's become less and less of who I am. I talked to a person on the phone twice in the last 2 days and both times she said to me, "You sound stressed." I actually wasn't overly stressed. My mind was racing as I tried figure out details and times for a group to meet, but I wasn't really stressed. But I sounded like it! I have this fast mode that I get into. It's terribly efficient and useful for me when things are getting out of [my] control, but if anyone wants some of my time when I'm in that mode, they have to understand that I'm probably thinking about 5 different things while talking to them. And I can't stop. It takes me a really long time to slow down when I'm in that mode. I have to spend time by myself reading a book or praying or pointedly thinking about absolutely nothing to calm down. So reading about little Diamond and his ability to be in the world but not really of the world put me in a world near a boy that I never wanted to leave. Sadly, the book is over now. Now I'm back to my life. How can I become like that? How can I become like this little child? Well, one way this book advised is by this:

But to try to make others comfortable is the only way to get right comfortable ourselves, and that comes partly of not being able to think so much about ourselves when we are helping other people. For our Selves will always do pretty well if we don't pay them too much attention. Our Selves are like some little children who will be happy enough so long as they are left to their own games, but when we begin to interfere with them, and make them presents of too nice playthings, or too many sweet things, they begin at once to spoil.

Truly a diamond in the rough

What I learned from the Gnostic Scriptures...

2006-06-21T01:05:00.000-05:00

... about Jesus' Digestive System.

"He was continent, enduring all things. Jesus digested divinity; he ate and drank in a special way, without excreting his solids. He had such a great capacity for continence, that the nourishment within him was not corrupted, for he did not experience corruption."

Beauty

2006-06-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

I learned a lot about beauty yesterday. Then I experienced it. I went to Bloomington with a friend yesterday evening and rode home surrounded by breathtaking beauty. With the windows rolled down, the bluesy sounds of Stevie Ray Vaughn playing, and very little conversation, the inside of the car set the stage to glory in the beauty on the outside. The sky was full tonight. To my right layed out the Big and Little Dippers with Draco winding between them; above me countless constellations I can't begin to name; and to the south and west clouds were gathering, preparing to bring showers of blessing. Still a distance off, however, all they brought for the time being was a light show, displaying the beautiful curvature of the cumulus clouds the lightning bolts hid behind. Add in the dark country highway lined with trees and the warm night air breathing into our car, and you've got yourself a full display of God's artwork.

As I soaked in my surroundings, I remembered what I had read earlier that day in Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Here are some highlights from the section:

Beauty is essential to God. No - that's not putting it strong enough. Beauty is the essence of God. The first way we know this is through nature, the world God has given us. Scripture says that the created world is filled with the glory of God (Isa. 6:3). In what way? Primarily through its beauty. ...Beauty is given to us with such generosity and abundance it is almost scandalous.

... Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful. Which is to say, beauty is in and of itself a great and glorious good, something we need in large and daily doses (for our God has seen fit to arrange for this). Nature at the height of its glory shouts, Beauty is Essential! revealing that Beauty is the essence of God. The whole world is full of his glory.

... The reason a woman wants a beauty to unveil, the reason she asks, Do you delight in me? is simply that God does as well. God is captivating beauty. As David prays, "One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek... that I may... gaze upon the beauty of the Lord" (Ps 27:4). Can there be any doubt that God wants to be worshipped? That He wants to be seen, and for us to be captivated by what we see?

But in order to make the matter perfectly clear, God has given us Eve. The crowning touch of creation. Beauty is the essence of a woman. ... God gave Eve a beautiful form and a beautiful spirit. She expresses beauty in both. Better, she expresses beauty simply in who she is. Like God, it is her essence.

... Beauty reminds us of an Eden we have never known, but somehow know our hearts were created for. Beauty speakes of heaven to come, when all shall be beautiful... Beauty says, There is a glory calling to you... All these things are true for any experience of Beauty. But they are especially true when we experience the beauty of a woman - her eyes, her form, her voice, her heart, her spirit, her life. She speaks all of this far more profoundly than anything else in all creation, because she is incarnate; she is personal. It flows to us from an immortal being. She is beauty through and through. "For where is any author in the world Teaches such beauty as a woman's eye?" (Shakespeare).

So not only were my surroundings glorifying God, but I myself as a woman glorify God in the same way. Definitely something to think about more in the future. Most def, most def. =)

Summertime

2006-06-19T12:23:00.000-05:00

I pretty much love summer. Well, it won't turn summer officially for another 2 days, but you know what I mean. I have a completely blank week ahead of me. Until yesterday I had nothing planned Monday through Saturday. And with some friends being gone on the Science Club trip or college orientations this week, it's giving me an oportunity to hang out with other people that I don't see as much. Today I had breakfast with a good friend that I've known most of my life and haven't seen hardly at all this summer. Wednesday I'm having lunch with my mom, my grandparents, and 2 pairs of great aunts and uncles. I'm very curious because one pair said they got a new vehicle, but wouldn't tell my grandma what it is. All he said was "What do you do if you can't sing?" Obviously my curiosity is piqued. I think I'm working at the library for an hour this week (shh, don't tell the government) and just made a lunch date with an old teacher of mine. This is going to be a great week!

So before I left college I had a conversation with a friend who told me that having lots of close friends and hanging out with lots of people one-on-one for hours is dangerous because all those people will start assuming things. They'll assume that we're best friends and that I have a deeper friendship with them than with other people, when really I have a deep, close relationship with a lot of people. It's stayed on my mind and I keep wondering if I'm doing harm, yet I still can't help but feel that I'm not. Most of these people grew up with me. They know my tendencies. They know my idiosyncrasies. Most know from previous experiences that I fill up a lot of my time with one-on-one time with a lot of people. Many feel like they have to schedule weeks ahead to hang out with me (which is no longer true, and was only quasi true before because I didn't have a lot of free time to start out with. Regardless, I'm not proud that people felt/feel that way). Getting together with a person for a meal and staying for a couple of hours is one of my most favorite things to do in the world. To spend a little more one-on-one time with someone to understand how they tick and what they're like and what we have in common and what we don't. I just love that. And I'm sorry if that misleads someone into thinking that I only do that with a small number of people who I'm very very close to. I do feel often like I don't give many people the time they really deserve and I don't like that feeling. But I'm still probably not going to change my ways.

I once heard somewhere that it goes like this: Everyone's given $1000. You can divide it evenly among all your friends. Isn't it much better for your friends if you have less of them so each of them can receive more? I guess I'm being selfish to spread myself so thin over so many people.

Ya know, usually I don't even care. I love my friends, most of them seem to love me (whether they show it through kindness or abusiveness lol), and all is well. Just every once in awhile I'm reminded of this conversation with a friend who, when I told him I often ate (like I was with him) a long meal with a friend where we would chat for hours about anything, immediately said that was a bad idea. Well, maybe it is. But in the words of Rizzo from Grease, "There are worse things I could do." To again quote Waking Life (as I did in a previous post): "... Life was raging all around me and every moment was magical. I loved all the people, dealing with all the contradictory impulses - that's what I loved the most, connecting with the people. Looking back, that's all that really mattered." That's what I'm talking about.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...

2006-06-12T23:23:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday dear Bloooooooogggggggg..... Happy birthday to you!

Only 4 days late.

What to do, what to do

2006-06-11T17:46:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have a time when you just have nothing to talk about? And then you have a time when you have so many things that you'd like to talk about but don't know where to start? I just experienced a week at jr hi camp, my first counseling experience, where I saw and felt countless spiritual battles faced. Also while there I shared in many interesting and hilarious mishaps with my co-counselors, the jr highers, and the leaders of the camp. On top of that I just finished a phenomenal book (Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell) in which I found much insight and ideas that I'm still considering and falling in love with. I'm also almost done with another book on the other end of the literary spectrum (Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss) where I'm finding the rules of certain tricky punctuation marks and support for a grammatical stickler such as I. How do I choose which is most important to write about during my presently free half hour before evening church? Maybe for now I'll stick with the lighter subjects that take less time.

So camp social highlights... Well, first off a highlight in and of itself is spending a week with Andy Nance, Matt Upshaw, and Amanda Roach. Andy, as the night watchman, got a golf cart. Whoo boy, who had that idea, I don't know. Dang was it sweet though. Just give him a call real quick and he'd drive us from our dorm to the chapel, out to the softball field, around when we're bored... It was awesome. Well, except when we would almost die as he almost threw us off when the vehicle was overpopulated.
At least he didn't wreck it into a building. *cough*

Um... oh. Tuesday night we placed this elaborate game with stations, macaroni, fungal-infected fish, beasts with hair/face paint, and latrines. As one of three manning the latrine station where teams had to dig holes to earn the uncooked macaroni (which was the monetary substance for the evening), things got a little boring after awhile. However, we had Donovan Jones to entertain us. Things are always better when Donovan Jones is around. We made him eat a worm. While they were digging, they found a worm, and we told them we'd give them extra macaroni if one of them would eat one. Okay, so we were quasi kidding... But then he stuck it in his mouth. And willingly chewed it up. And swallowed and showed his empty mouth to us. Doesn't get much better than that. We told them they were done digging, we handed them a handful of macaroni, and told them to be on their way. We got one more kid after that to eat a worm, but it wasn't as big as the first one. And he's no Donovan Jones. He was the poster child for the rest of the week of "and make sure Donovan doesn't eat it, okay?" =D

Irishe, the co-in-charge-person, is insane. We all gained much respect for her after seeing the games that she put together. She's psychotic. It's beautiful. The very worst game we had to play (luckily the counselors were out until the end) was a toilet relay (I forget what it was called exactly). Outside the teams lined up and standing about 15 feet away was a bucket full of mountain dew... miniature baby ruths... and corn. And in true jr hi swid camp fashion, the goal was to eat/drink as much of it as you could. Only the kids didn't know what it was. They just saw it. And puked. Well, only a few of them actually puked. I had to tell all my kids one by one as they ran up what it was and that it wasn't gross and they should just dive in. Only one did. But I saw him kinda choke and spit some back up in the bucket. Extreme backwash. At the end Irishe said any counselor who would chug the rest would win. I wouldn't do it. Call me a party pooper (ha), but I wasn't about to chug that after seeing that kid spit some back into the bucket. I don't care if it earns us points. The prize each day was staying up late an extra hour. Not really much of a prize for the counselors.

Irishe gets intertaining when she hasn't slept. Enough said. =)

Matt Upshaw needs to go to Olivet Nazarene University. It's just meant to be.

Some random quotes for you:
"Talk about poop. Anything is funny when you talk about poop."
"Not many people get to be happy about introducing their boyfriend to their husband!"
"God will bless your face off."
"We'll see you at the pole!"
"We'll kill you like Stephen and Samantha!"

A not so happy highlight... One of my kids went to the hospital. By ambulance. And for some reason there was a firetruck with the ambulance. Anyway, he stopped breathing for a whole minute. Doctors decided he had an extreme anxiety attack. He was fine though. He came back and wrote on a shirt "I'M OKAY NOW" so people would stop asking him. Funny kid. That evening he came back and we played a game out in the dark that had partners. His partner found me halfway through the game and said, "I can't find Kyle!" Talk about anxiety attack. We ran around asking other counselors to look and finally we found him just hangin out with some people by chapel. I warned him to not EVER run off alone. Again. Ever. Talk about being a parent.

Back to happy highlights... That evening's game was called Where's Waldo. Kids ran around looking for laminated waldos for points... Also, there was a Live Waldo, played by Matt, then Andy. Talk about cute. They got huge blue pants, a large red and white striped shirt, glasses, and a white ball cap. And they ran. The kids had to get a hankerchief out of their back pocket for a bunch of points. They about died. Jr higher kids are vicious!

The last day was the messy day. We ended up being covered in tomatoes, fruit juice, lemon juice, sugar, flour, lotion, refried beans, eggs, water, then topped it all off with shaving cream. Yuck. Then we got hosed off with biting ice cold water before we went back into the dorms so we wouldn't peel off paint. Then I spent the next hour after I got ready cleaning and mopping the bathroom. Oh boy. =)

Hoo-ha Camp Camby! That's what I'm talkin about.

What We Should Be Known For

2006-05-26T11:23:00.000-05:00

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours
who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare

they’ll know us by our picket lines and signs
they’ll know us by the pride we hide behind
like anyone on earth is living right
and isn’t that why Jesus died
not to make us think we’re right

when love, love, love
is what we should be known for
love, love, love
it’s the how and it’s the why
we live and breathe and we die

they’ll know us by reasons we divide
and how we can’t seem to unify
because we’ve gotta sing songs a certain style
or we’ll walk right down that aisle
and just leave ‘em all behind

they’ll know us by the billboards that we make
just turning God’s words to cheap clichés
says “what part of murder don’t you understand?”
but we hate our fellow man
and point a finger at his grave

when love, love, love
is what we should be known for
love, love, love
it’s the how and it’s the why
we live and breathe and we die

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
telling ‘em their sins are worse than ours
thinking we can hide our scars
beneath these t-shirts that we wear

-Derek Webb

God forgive me.

Reminiscing

2006-05-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

So school is out. I came home to almost a complete lack of internet and felt completely cut off from the world (sad, I know). We have found a working modem now (finally) but even with that the internet is too slow for my heightened standards and as a result I don't blog much. Or at all. I'm actually at my high school right now as I write this. Yes, my high school. I finished my first year of college, and here I am spending the day in my high school job shadowing my calculus teacher. I'm excited to be here; to get to see things with a slightly different perspective (even being one year removed changes things. Plus having had an education class changes things too) and to see old friends. In another way I'm so uncomfortable. I don't want to leave the safety of this classroom. I chose to walk through the freshman hall to get to this class rather than the senior hall because less freshmen know me. My hugest dilemma in thinking about this day was where I'm going to eat lunch. In the cafeteria? No way. In the teacher's lounge? No way. I'm hoping I can just somehow have food appear in this classroom so I can stay here. Or else leave completely. I like talking to the teachers, but I always feel like the teachers too are thinking, "What is she doing here? Can she not get enough of this place?" I don't like people thinking that, because that's what I'm thinking too. Can't I just be done with this place? But I can't. I love my high school. I love my old teachers. I love my old classmates, mostly. I love college too, but since I've come home I've started reminiscing about different memories from high school. And not just from my high school, but also from the Impact team or NYI or weekend activities. I've also been thinking about bad memories too though. Friendships lost, bad choices made, time wasted. I don't ever want to go back to high school; I'm often thankful that I'm not in high school so I can avoid some situations or some drama or whatever. I just like remembering.

I guess I'm just a silly girl thinking about silly things and I need to just grow up or stop caring so much or stop looking back. I'm sure that's probably what most of you are thinking. But I'm probably not going to right now. Eventually, but not now.

Sacrilegious?

2006-04-30T15:47:00.000-05:00

Matthew 21: 18-22 says:

Early in the morning, as [Jesus] was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Sometime earlier in the school year this year I read this passage. It seemed to be making some strong statements. We can receive whatever we ask in prayer if we just believe? Even silly things? I would say no, but what really was the point of Jesus withering that tree? Just to make a point? Making the point that through prayer you can have supposed magical powers doesn't seem like the most important point Jesus made. I feel like I'm probably really missing the point of this passage. Anyway, so I read this and decided to live by it and I prayed for something miraculous to happen that would only happen because of my prayer and its purpose would be to increase my faith, which I believe was low at that time. I prayed for my sister's tree. It was dead at this time. It was dead when she moved in with her roommates in Colorado. And, sorry to ruin the end of the story, it is still dead today. It is just a dead tree in her front yard in the desert. I prayed that it would come back to life. This would also be helpful to her so she and her roommates wouldn't have to find a way to get rid of it and replace it (In Suburbia where they live it's important to have a living tree in your front yard). So I put my faith into this prayer and tried to not doubt. I didn't tell anyone about it, but kept praying and periodically asked about the tree. I've stopped praying for the tree, but I haven't forgotten that prayer I made way-back-when (which happened to be on a Wednesday... A little fun fact for you, "back when"s are always a Wednesday).

So just yesterday Marissa called me and told me they got a new tree. They didn't just buy a new tree though, they won it. Their town had a drawing for a tree (weird, I know) and they won it. She said it was a God-thing and I admitted that I had prayed for their old tree. My first instinct was to interpret this situation and say God answered our prayers, only in a different way and my faith should be increased by this. But then I thought, ya know, maybe my prayer wasn't answered and Marissa and her roommates just happened to get lucky. Or maybe the city of Thornton got tired of seeing their dead tree or their hole in the ground so they rigged the drawing so they could get a stupid tree.

My thought is... How much stuff do we skew and twist to make it a blessing from God? I can hear older Christians saying we should look for God's Hand in situations. How much do we just make up? How really involved is God actually in that tree situation? How really involved is God actually in any situation? I don't really feel like my prayers and them winning a tree have anything to do with each other. But maybe I need to increase my faith. I just finished reading my cousin's xanga and he mentioned how God is like the neglected spouse who if He responds to our wish list He will get little to no thanks. This of course made me feel immediately guilty for not adamantly praising God for the tree or for any other possible answered prayers. How do we know when God is actually answering prayer and when we're just trying to make ourselves feel better by saying that He did? Am I downplaying God's importance by taking His Hand out of some situations, or am I getting closer to the truth?

What are your thoughts?

My boss

2006-04-28T18:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had the privilege of joining my coworkers and my boss on an outing to Ryan's Buffet. My boss, Susan, semesterly takes her student workers out for dinner to show her appreciation. While we were at Ryan's Susan shared her work testimony with us and it was so neat that I thought I would pass it on.

Susan works as a custodian. She is Korean and has worked here at Olivet for 12 years now. She moved to America maybe 35 years ago. She's been married for about 30. She has 2 children and I think 3 grandchildren, most of which live in the midwest. Most importantly, she has the best attitude about work. She started working here because her son wanted to go to Olivet and she wanted to make tuition cheaper. She worked here for about 4 years, hating it most of the time. Believe me, coming in everyday to clean after freshmen girls is not the most exciting or satisfying job ever. Only I do it for 2 hours a day; she does it for 8 hours. One day she was vacuuming a hallway in the dorm. They had just gotten a new vacuum cleaner and she was very excited. While she was vacuuming, she was singing a chorus that spoke a prayer to God telling Him to use her in anyway He wanted. She just had the song stuck in her head but then as she finished up and headed for the storage room she realized the words that she was saying. She said she felt a small voice tell her that He was using her how He wanted. She felt God asking her, "Look at this new vacuum. If I took away all these other tools - chemicals, brushes, washcloths - would that new vacuum be enough for you?" "Of course not," she knew. She felt God telling her that He doesn't need everyone to be professors or presidents or coaches, He needed people to be custodians too. So she prayed to God, telling Him that she was willing to be His washcloth. From that point on, she has worked on this dorm as if it was the greatest mission field. She has a wonderful spirit and the best attitude. She sees herself not as a Cleaning Lady, but as a Germ Fighter. She knows how important it is to keep us girls as healthy as possible so she works so hard to keep the germs away and keep things clean. She said just a few days ago she saw a girl with barehands preparing a chicken in the kitchen in the lobby and she about died as she worried about all the germs that were getting spread. She made the girl go get some soap so she could clean up and while she was gone Susan sneakily grabbed a disinfectant and disinfected the entire kitchen area. This is just one example of how passionate Susan is about keeping her girls healthy.

Having worked for Susan for a semester now I have gained immense gratitude and respect for her. She left for vacation one week and we 3 student workers had to take on most of the building on our own. The frustrations were overwhelming somedays, with people overflowing the trashcans, leaving toilet paper all over the floor, leaving hair dye and makeup power all over the floor, sinks, and counter, and don't even get me started about the hair. To do this for 12 years and to still be happy to come to work everyday, is way beyond me. She's always been a pleasure to work with; I love hearing her stories of her grandkids or her personal testimony. And I will never forget the day she laughed so hard at me after she asked me to carry a large box of toilet paper up to 3rd floor and as I awkwardly scrambled to pick up the box. And then how happy I was when she told me I had the best toilets after her vacation and how proud she is of me at how quickly I learned to clean. It's funny how such a mundane job can become so important when looking at it through a different lens and so fun when sharing the time with a wonderful woman.

I guess this is my dedication to my boss. She will be retiring in a few years most likely and she will be sorely missed. I'm so glad I've gotten to know her and gotten to work for her and I'm excited to continue to work for her next year!

People, people everywhere

2006-04-24T12:49:00.000-05:00

I really really like people. Last night my roommate and I were talking and she mentioned how amazing it is that God can make people that have outstanding abilities, specifically in doctors and how they memorize very very large amounts of information. We both realized that we did not have that ability (as I was studying for a final). We have mathematical brains. I was sharing with her my weekend and the happy fun times that came to pass and the people I was with. This Friday night I had a party for Dialog that completely flopped (who would not want to come to a party where the theme was Come Dressed As Your Favorite Saint??) and the only ones who showed up were the council members. Though there were only 5 of us, I had one of the best nights of my year here. We stayed at our own party for about 1 1/2 hours before we ditched it and went to Chicago. We went to a performance of Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, where I experienced my first dadaist play. I loved the play and the atmosphere and most everything about it but I think my favorite part was the people with whom I traveled. These 4 individualsand I exemplified exactly what my roommate and I were talking about. One was the artist, another was the philosopher, another was the political scientist, another the literati, and me, the mathematician/psychologist. How interesting it is to have a group of people who are all very interested in theology, yet all have very different backgrounds and even mental abilities. I am always so excited to hang out with these people just because they fascinate me so.

I don't really have anything to say except that people really excite me and I had a great weekend and I'm so excited for the next week and a half to get to spend as much time as possible (though that's pretty limited) with college people before I head home. And then I get to head home to a whole new (old) crowd of people! Yay!! =)

Grace that is greater than all our sins

2006-04-12T12:55:00.000-05:00

I have been a Christian all my life. I have dealt with doubt and discouragement, but overall, most of my life has been that of an active pursuant of God. As I have grown up in this faith, my view of grace has been very shortsighted. I have lamented more than once about how tired I am of people focusing on Christ’s death when his life is so much more important in the long run. Yes, his death is what saves us, but it is his life that teaches how to live from then on out. Why do people focus on the death so much? There is so much more to learn from his life. I would get so frustrated with sermons and testimonies and people’s lives that never got past the death and resurrection of Christ. However, God did not see it fit for me to stay in this frame of mind. He has taught me that in no way, shape, or form did I earn my salvation. Being a Christian all your life does not mean that you are any more deserving. Though my testimony of my salvation has no exciting turn of events to make people weep and turn their hearts to God and save thousands, my testimony is one of constant sanctifying grace. Grace is just as prevalent in my life as anyone else. God did not focus on just the sanctifying grace, however, He taught me that I need his saving grace also. Maybe it was Satan, maybe it was God, maybe it was myself, but someone brought something into my life that made me realize my desperate need for God and his saving grace. This thing that caused me to stumble and sin led me to a new appreciation for the previously belittled death of Christ. I in no way deserve someone dying for me. As a person that was saved for the first time so long ago, that statement is so easily said with no meaning. Jesus died for me. Even when I listen to people say that, I start to tune them out. I know exactly what they are going to say; I’ve heard it all before. However, this attitude shows great disrespect for how great an act of love God showed us. I am still not in support for people that never seem to expand their relationship with God past the point of that saving grace, but I have been taught that I should not support myself never getting back to the basics of marveling at the saving grace of God. I am in need of this grace when I wander and I am in need of his sanctifying grace when I return and grow again closer to Him.

Happy Easter

Hooray for today!

2006-03-29T21:40:00.000-06:00

So something that's been on my mind lately is appreciating every moment. Mainly that's been on my mind because I don't. Do you know how ready I am for summer? I'm ready to be out of these classes, closer to my boyfriend, and at home. I'm always wishing time will pass quickly so that the weekend will come or the next break will come or the end of the semester will come. I keep wishing time away. Why? I mean, I'm in college. This should be one of the greatest time periods of my life! Why would I want to wish away any of it? I didn't really think me doing this was a bad thing until I noticed how many other people were doing it. It's a lot easier to see how bad things are when it's other people and not yourself. But I can't say anything about other people until I stop doing that myself. Pretty much I'm depending on the spurts of extra happy times to carry me through to summer. But still, why? What's wrong with all the other times? What's so terrible about the boring stuff? Yeah, those times are not really that fun or fulfilling or interesting or easy, but why am I trying to skip them? Tonight at College Church Dr. Gary Smalley (author of five love languages books) spoke and he said that we should be happy that we are going through trials because they're making us more like Jesus. I also, as I was thinking about this more, was reminded of my salutatorian speech. I went back and read it a few days ago (which, by the way, was really happy. Do you ever go back and look at something you wrote or did and get excited because you know it was well done?) and the main quote I used for the basis of my whole speech was this quote by Frederick Buechner: “Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” That is exactly what I'm getting at. The boredom and pain are just as important as the excitement and gladness. Revel in the shock of living your daily life and the chance that you have to live it.

So, the lesson I'm trying to learn is to be content. No situation I'm in right now is really that bad. And even if it was, does that make being discontent any more justifiable? Life is a fathomless mystery that should be appreciated at every moment. I feel like I'm still so young in the fact that I'm still rushing forward toward this certain age or time period where I feel like everything will peek - I'll be married, have a job, a house, maybe a kid or two - and then things will slow down and I can be content with where I am then. But that's not really true at all, nor is my rushing forward to a certain point good. I need to treat every moment as what it is: invaluable. "All moments are key moments." It's true. And life itself is grace.

"here dies another day... and tomorrow begins another. why am I allowed two?"

No, I am not playing Revolution...

2006-03-27T19:01:00.000-06:00

I had the cleanest toilets of the student custodians that work in Parrott. I am the toilet bowl cleaner champion.

double woot

Which Weather?

2006-03-13T22:03:00.000-06:00

Weather is dumb. I got up today to an amazing 63° outside. I'm going to bed to 29° that feels like 21° (according to weather.com). This should not be. I should not have to change my outerwear 3 times in a day, from no jacket, to coat, to coat with scarf and gloves and still shivering. Stupid weather. Some people like to say stupid Illinois weather. But I don't like that phrase because I feel violated, like Illinois stole Indiana's notorious crazy weather and claimed it all for its own. So I say stupid midwestern weather. So there.

"It's colder than it ought to be in March..."

Spring Break

2006-03-12T20:48:00.000-06:00

Well, alas, spring break is over. I spent most of the week at home; however, I kept very busy. I thought the best way to summarize the week quickly is to just give a list (imagine that. Me make a list? ha) of the things I learned and general summaries. So here goes. Enjoy! =)

1. Long-haired chihuahas make the cutest puppies ever. Ever. But not cute dogs, really.
2. The White Stallion still is, and will forever be, the lamest but funniest movie ever.
3. Karaoke nights at the church turn out to be quite entertaining.
4. Make sure you know all the words to a song before you get up in front of your church to sing it. In knowing all the words, make sure they're all clean. Or learn to be silent when those parts come.
5. A day of shopping with 3 other girls is only complete if you watch cutesy chick flicks afterward. You can't watch actually good movies. Just cutesy ones. That's just the rules.
6. My days of getting to sleep with Rochelle are dwindling. =(
7. Don't allow John to find a gun, of any kind, in the Stuffles house. You'll never hear the end of it.
8. I discovered the 3 best places to be during a storm: falling asleep/sleeping in, watching movies with a friend (or friends), or cuddling in front of a fireplace. The best place to NOT be during a storm is in a car. On a rural highway. In pitch black. In fog. While your cell phone is roaming. Yeah.
9. Make sure if you're in a car that is going to break down an hour away from home, be with someone you like. I, thankfully, did this right. While you're waiting for the tow truck, a great pastime is talking about all the people you're glad you're not with. =D
10. Shoe shopping with a guy is truly amazing. Especially one who's not your boyfriend and therefore has absolutely no obligation to be nice. I bought a pair of shoes in like 15 minutes. It was fabulous.
11. Riding in a tow truck is fun. The first time. Well, and the second too actually. And waiting for a tow truck a third time is always good times too.
12. People are retarded. When they see your flashers but still pull in behind you and honk at you, they're just retarded.
13. Cheeseburger pie is amazing. Try it sometime. You won't regret it.
14. A perk to an excessive amount of rainfall: waterfalls. *happy sigh* A downfall (pun intended): scary roads that you have no idea whether you'll actually come out the other side of the puddle or just get swallowed up.
15. Always carry contact solution with you. Always. You never know when you'll unexpectedly spend the night someplace and you'll need it.
16. Don't try to replace contact solution with water. Not even spring water. Very bad idea.
17. I am the pingpong champion. Sorta.
18. His grace aboundeth more.
19. Okay, no matter how good you get at it, it still takes forever to copy all your files on dvds and then restore your computer to its original state and then copy all your files back on your computer. It's really not worth it to get a virus every break. It's just not that fun.
20. I pretty much have the best music collection ever. I'm so glad to have it back and functioning.
21. Yay for SWID Impact team. =D Yay for cute skits and good music.
22. Everything is going to be okay. It really is, no matter how determined people may be to the contrary, it is going to be okay.
23. Kellie is an amazing girl. I love her so much. =)
24. It's super nice to be loved by your church.
25. Authentic worship is multicultural.
26. Don't leave your gas cap in Terre Haute. It's just not a good idea. I don't know why anyone would be stupid enough to do that, but it seems that some people go for that sorta thing. *blushes*
27. It's crazy that you can get gas for 2.52 one day and 2 days later get it for 2.29. Curse you, Bloomington. Bless you, Terre Haute.
27. "Every relationship not based on loyalty to Our Lord will end in disaster."
28. Is it weird when you're driving and your surroundings reminds you of The Town in The Great Divorce? That's a little disconcerting and depressing.
29. I wish there was more time in a day. I wish I would've gotten to hang out with more people.
30. Bourbonnais isn't so bad of a second home. :)

Okay I think that's about it. Overall it was a very good week. Very few things I would do different if I could. A few things, but not many. Now on to studying...

I am useful.

2006-02-28T15:48:00.000-06:00

So, I just had a big blog written about how my day wasn't very good and how I felt very useless and worthless. I had written quite a bit when I was interrupted by a phone call. I assumed it'd be John, but actually it was a good friend from home that I haven't talked to in forever. He needed me. He had a very difficult day and is in a very difficult situation and he knew he needed to pray but he just didn't know how. So he needed to talk to someone and I was the first person he thought of. He couldn't think of anyone else that he wanted to talk to. We haven't really talked in probably a month or so, yet I, when I really needed to know that I was useful, was the one he thought of. So he talked to me and told me everything going on. And I listened. That's really about it. But somehow he left the conversation in higher spirits than he began them in and knew that God was taking care of him, though I didn't even tell him that. Before he called me he prayed that God would use me to help him, and that's what happened. Somehow. And God used him to help me. I don't really know how I'm useful in the big scheme of things as far as marketable skills and occupational skills. But I'm useful. I knew this in my head, but God reminded my heart that this is indeed true, by actually using me. I love the irony of how helping other people is almost always the best way to help yourself. Weird. But it works, and so does God.

Yay

2006-02-22T20:34:00.000-06:00

Yay for wearing flip flops in beautiful weather, Women's Choir realizing it's more important to spend time sharing and praying than singing, celebrating Black History Month in the cafeteria by eating food from the South and having colored tablecloths(red, green, and yellow, not black, in case you were wondering), and having a good discussion in Intercultural Bible Study. It's nice to have small things that continue to be good, no matter the status of big things. Sometimes it's only the small things that make me through the day. Yet, that's enough. Isn't it funny how that works? I think the weather alone would've made it impossible for today to be a bad day. To be, again, up in the 50s in February just somehow makes things okay. It maked me realize that there's a God who performs miracles and works things out, even when it doesn't seem like it's possible or probable. So... yay!

Valentine-Schmalentine

2006-02-14T16:23:00.000-06:00

Okay, first off, I'm not going to rant about the evils of Valentine's Day. I don't hate the holiday, I'm not wearing black today (I'm wearing pink!), I'm not grumpy. I've had a lovely day, I just wanted to share my feelings.

Valentine's Day is silly. This whole day has just been silly. I enjoy it, but things seem so absurd. Why does everyone celebrate Valentine's Day? I think I probably got wished Happy Valentine's Day as much as I get wished Happy Thanksgiving. I saw countless people sporting pink and red (our entire row in chapel this morning showed up in the lovely colors). We were wished Happy Valentine's Day twice from the pulpit during that service (why? What does Valentine's Day have to do with chapel except the fact that it is loosely based on a saint?), and rather than getting carded for attendance, we were given sugar cookies. All 700 freshmen (minus those lucky-ducks who happen to skip on an unexpected non-required attendance day). Why? What's the point? I mean I fully understand the girls' dorms being covered with hearts and sacks to throw valentines in. But beyond that, why has Olivet transformed itself for the day? Is love really in the air that strongly (Why do I ask? I'm at Olivet. Of course love is in the air.)? I enjoy seeing the fresh flowers in the middle of the winter, I enjoy seeing the smiling faces and the cheery colors in the what's supposed to be drab weather (however, it happens to be 56° and cloudless skies outside!). But what's the point to be this excessive?

My high school was horrible when it came to Valentine's Day. 30-45 minutes wer taken out of the last part of the day (in 55 minute class periods, that's substanial!) to call down 1/3 of our students to the library to receive their presents - and that's probably an underestimate. Why was all that money spent? Why was all that time taken? At least at college time isn't taken out of the classroom to participate in this excessive gift exchange, but the point is still lacking.

This is the second year in a row I won't be receiving anything for the holiday while still having a significant other. This year is by preference; last year... well, we won't talk about last year. It's ironic that I feel the only person that isn't getting me something for Valentine's Day is my actual boyfriend. My boss got me a rose and chocolates, my floor-buddies gave me valentines, my grandparents sent me a card. I feel like such a romantic-schmutz for not fully participating in the holiday as a non-single, but what's the point? Neither of us have time or money to put into anything spectacular. And I'm all for go big or go home. We're just choosing to go home this time. Beyond paying for my dinner when I see him this weekend (which he says he'd rather die than let me pay for myself on any day), we're not doing anything. His female coworkers told him that I must be lying when I told him I didn't want anything. But honestly, when you're in a long distance relationship, nothing else really matters beyond just seeing that person. The money most would spend on roses and candy is spent on gas. How romantic. =)

So today I've walked around and smiled to myself as I take in the view of the roses, balloons, candies, and Crush cans (onu fundraiser) that have been scattered across campus. And I've appreciated the few things I've received myself (yes, my Valentine's Day sack outside my door is filling up with valentines!). I guess it makes February a little less dreary for some. I'm not a person that's adamantly against this holiday (though it is insanely materialistic), I am just delighting in other's happiness for the year and rejoicing in my own lack of presents. Maybe next year I'll have a special Valentine's Day. Probably not though. Or at least not in the sense that the holiday calls for with store bought presents. I've had my share of roses and cards and Valentine's Day excitement; I'm more ready for anniversaries (monthaversaries) or birthdays and presents (materalistic or non) received for significant days to my personal relationships and life, not universally romantically significant and therefore insignificant days. I think I just admitted that I've outgrown Valentine's Day. Huh.

Well, happy Valentine's Day to those who enjoy it, and happy day to the rest of you. We should find enough in a day to celebrate it just because, right?

Hmm, maybe I should consider another color scheme...

Hush by Waterdeep

2006-02-08T21:46:00.000-06:00

When you feel like the days just drone on and on and on
and you feel like the nights are quickly gone

and on the inside your heart is gaping wide
and on the inside you feel like no one's on your side
well, I am

When you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong
And there's another need another battle
another one more thing that comes along

and on the inside
you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound
and on the inside
you can't pick another broken piece up off the ground
well I know

Hush little baby don't say a word
Daddy's gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in
He's bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start again

when all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on
and everything you try to do right ends up all wrong

...

Hush little baby don't say a word
Daddy's gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in
He's bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start again...
Again and again and again.

And again...

Lion

2006-02-02T14:44:00.000-06:00

I love my lion. He has been the most amazing friend. It was love at first sight and it's been great since then. It started back in 1995 (I think). I was going Christmas shopping with my grandparents (which means it was like October) and we were at Toys R Us. We were walking around when we passed an aisle that had these stuffed animals sitting at the end. There were these fluffy brown lions, just waiting to be loved. I immediately went up and hugged one, feeling the calling to love it. My grandparents waited then said we should move on. I was a little disappointed, but did as they asked. What I didn't know is my grandma whispered to my grandpa, "We will have to come back later to get that for her." When lion showed up at Christmas, I was overjoyed. On the way home I thought of a name: Lion. It fit him well. :)

Lion has since then been through so much: vacations, wrestling, home movies, countless girls crying on him, movie nights, sicknesses, sleepovers, even Impact tour (Bad idea: large fluffy lion sitting on my lap on a crowded bus in July). And now, he's at college with me and travels home when I do. He's like that Little Buddy doll they used to have. The commercial would sing a song, which, with a name change, fits my lion perfectly: "My lion, my lion, my lion! Wherever I go, you're gonna go! My lion, my lion, my lion! My lion and me!" That's him. He's provided an arm for my head, a shoulder to cry on, and a fluffy tummy for extra comfort when I was sick. I've pretty much decided he's staying until I get married. Maybe longer; he's better than a husband in some ways - he'll stay in bed all day with me when I'm sick!

Some of you may think it is odd that I still sleep with a stuffed animal. Some may think it weird that I have such an attachment to an inanimate object. To them I would say this: Have you seen him? He's the darndest cutest thing you've ever seen! If you don't believe me, look at the pictures. =)

I was just thinking a few nights how much I appreciate Lion, so I thought I'd post an entry dedicated to him. Yay Lion!

Life Is A Nice Place by Louise Gluck

2006-01-31T11:46:00.000-06:00

Life is a nice place (They change
the decorations
every season; and the music,
my dear, is just too
marvellous, they play you
anything from birds to Bach. And
everyday the Host
arranges for some clever sort
of contest and they give
the most
fantastic prizes; I go absolutely
green. Of course, celebrities abound;
I've seen Love waltzing around
in amusing disguises.) to
visit. But
I wouldn't want to live there.

Hold Me Jesus

2006-01-29T23:38:00.000-06:00

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all.
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small.

So hold me Jesus
'Cuz I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory,
Won't you be my Prince of Peace.

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

My blessings

2006-01-25T21:31:00.000-06:00

I had a strangely spectacular day today. But I can't really figure out why. I went pretty much non-stop from 8:30 this morning to 9:30 tonight. Somehow throughout this day there were small things that made the day wonderful. Here are some things:

-I got up 15 minutes before my first class started and wasn't late.
-Chapel this morning was surprisingly excellent... We learned about how men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. The speakers were captivating, entertaining, and informative; a rarity among chapel speakers.
-I found time to email a prof to tell her that I was dropping my piano lessons that she teaches me (yeah, Mom, um, yeah. Maybe I should've told you about that outside of a blog? :) ). This is strange to be glad about because I don't really want to; however, my schedule has overwhelmed me and I'm excited to find something to do about it. Somehow dropping this half hour lesson a week makes me feel like I have time to breathe.
-I finished writing a letter to my grandparents. Haven't mailed it yet, but I've gotten it written. It always excites me whenever I get to interact with my grandparents, even if it's just me writing them.
-I ate lunch alone in my room. I skipped the lines, grabbed a cold lunch from Nesbitt and ate in my room while I looked a little at my 4-year plan and played with my iPod a little.
-I worked out. Yes, I worked out. And enjoyed it. Looked forward to it, even! I don't know what was wrong with me. ;) Maybe I was looking forward to the endorphines or something. I don't know. I really am glad I have Wellness this semester to make me get into this.
-I worked with Rochelle. We work the same job, yet we are always on different floors. I got done with my floor early today though so I searched her out so she could tell me something to do. She told me to dust, so I got to dust in the bathroom where she was cleaning, and it was nice. I like Rochelle. :)
-I got a half hour break before choir. It was glorious. I just laid down and did nothing. Amazing.
-I don't know what it is about choir, but lately it has been such a spiritual blessing to me, and I believe most of the people in the room. Even though I often don't see it as such, it really is a blessing to get to sing praises to God 3 times a week in a room full of girls.
-Rochelle-Sondra time was great, as always. We got to talk about her wedding (which I am a bridesmaid in), which is always sooo much fun.
-Dinner tonight was amazing. I have found a new love for Sodexho. They did the cutest thing. Right smack dab in the middle of January they gave us a picnic. They put red and white checkered table cloths on all the tables, served us corn on the cob, hot dogs and hamburgers, baked beans, curly fries, and popsicles. How cute is that?? On top of that I enjoyed the company of the lovely Dana Yost. We enjoyed a delicious dinner as we caught up on each others' lives.
-After dinner we went straight to the International Bible Study. There were about 15 people there tonight, and it was so good. We learned about the community vs. the individual. I am so glad to be apart of that community. There are so many communities at Olivet to get involved in, and I am so glad I found one that has solid theology, a comfortable support group, and high-quality discussions amongst people really wanting to draw closer to God.
-After the Bible Study I called my friend Sarah Parisi and made plans, for the first time all year, to hang out. Finally. Yes!!
-Chaplain's Prayer Group met tonight, as always, and it was nice to get to go to the Kelley Prayer Chapel and enjoy its warmth in temperate and in spirit. One thing our Chaplain prayed before we separated in prayer was this: "Thank you God for being faithful even when we lacked faith." Amen for that. I asked God to reveal Himself to me because I couldn't find Him, and He did.
-Simone and Aline Mulieri performed in the coffee shop tonight. So cool. Made me miss my sister. :) They're twins so they actually get to go to the same school at the same time. And then, just for fun, they performed together at the coffee shop. It wasn't anything amazing, but it was beautiful. There's something about sibling interaction that goes so much deeper than any other relationship. You know they've been through a lot together, yet here they were, upperclassmen in college, singing together songs they had written. Those are two very beautiful people.

These things are so great. So insignificant, yet so important. I couldn't help thinking to myself though, why I can't I be this happy when I don't have these things? Honestly though, I keep thinking about it, and I don't think my happiness has come from these things. I kept telling Rochelle tonight that for some reason I am really at peace with things in my life. I'm at peace with my full schedule, I'm at peace with my long-distance relationship, I'm at peace with my friendships. None of those things are perfect right now, nor even easy. But I am strangely at peace. My attitudes within myself really have somehow changed. I knew they needed to change from what they were last week (I was making myself miserable), but I couldn't do it. Yet, somehow I did. I'm finally back to the optimistic person that I used to be, though not because things are optimistic around me necessarily. I still have an insane schedule with hardly any free time, I have relationships that are being forced to be distanced because of my schedule, I have not enough time in the day to do all the things I wish I could do. But I am content. I do what I can and that is enough. That was my attitude problem: I felt I was never doing enough. My life was so filled, yet I still wasn't doing enough. I was somehow not doing enough for classes, for friendships near and far, for homework, for God, for myself, for eating healthy and working out, for my job. I wasn't doing enough and I was ruining things. But that's not true. I am doing things, I am reaching people, and I am beautiful. I have a boyfriend and roommate that tell me that daily, but this is what I needed:

And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys
To unlock my soul, But I didn't know-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I know
You call me beautiful

The story is better than I could dream after all,
Now this is reality
To know You and to hear You call me beautiful
Call me beautiful-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I know-
Now that I know
You call me beautiful

-Ginny Owens

Yeah, things are okay.

So about that blog...

2006-01-23T19:16:00.000-06:00

Yeah, life is a little crazy right now. I don't really have time to blog. This is not (nor should it be) a priority in my life right now. Plus I don't even know where I would start if I were to actually have time to write a real blog. But I don't feel as if I can really leave you all out in the cold on things going on in my life. However, as I asserted from the beginning, this is a blog for whatever is going on in my life, whether it be spiritual or self-analytical or reflectory or random. This is going to be random. And hopefully short. I have homework to do, after all. :)

So last night my neighbor and I threw a party. We were shopping in Walmart a little over a week ago and we found glow sticks and were very excited to see them. We bought a few and decided to throw a little glowstick party for ourselves and our roommates. However, we couldn't really figure out what you can do at a glowstick party with 4 people. We felt like we had to dance, because that's what you always do when you have glowsticks, but 4 people don't make up a very fun dance party. I mean, so you dance a little, and then you get tired. And then.... you watch a movie. Big surprise. Most likely a chick flick at that. Another big surprise. And then we all decide we have homework and go our separate ways. Not fun. So, we needed something better than that. We decided to throw a floor-wide dance party. We even made flyers and such. This was obviously a little tricky, as we are at Olivet Nazarene University where dancing is not allowed. However, we were eventually given permission that as long as we kept it on the floor and were not too rowdy, we could hold our party. Yes!! We handed out our flyers and bought glowsticks to go around and some snacks to share. Oh, and to make it even more fun, we called it a Hot Party. Why? Because that's what we are. :) So we told people to "dress to impress" and to join in the fun. Amanda and I spent an excessive amount of time working on a song list and using iTunes amazingness and shortening the longer songs for this playlist. About half an hour before the party we cleared the study room of almost all the furniture (we decided it would be better to keep the couch in there than to try to figure out how the heck to get it out of there.). We filled the microwave room and both of our rooms with furniture (don't want a fire hazard from putting it in the hallway to stop our party!), then we got ready. It was so much fun. We had songs from I Believe in a Thing Called Love to Barbaran, Cotton-Eyed Joe to Gonna Make You Sweat, and Can't Touch This to the Macarena. Sadly we somehow missed the Hand Jive getting on there, but beyond that the music list was pretty much perfect. We enjoyed watching the amazing moves of Steph and Claire, while listening to Patricia, a black girl, saying she was too white to dance well. I got to teach everyone the Garden Dance and the Rump Shaker dance and we watched some sad attempts at the Worm. Though not everyone on the floor came to the party, we had so much fun with our glow sticks and our disco ball and our yummy food and great music. It was a good night, and I enjoyed the break. Here are some pictures from the party!

On Faith Part 2

2006-01-15T13:25:00.000-06:00

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith; and the beginning of true faith is thte end of anxiety." -George Muller

Faith is not an intelligent understanding, faith is a deliberate commitment to a person where I see no way.

"Were there no room for doubt, there would be no room for faith either." -Philip Yancey

"Faith is like the dream in which the clouds open to show riches ready to drop upon us that when we wake into the reality of nothing more than common sense, we cry to dream again because the dreaming seems truer than the waking does to the fullness of reality not as we have seen it, to be sure, but as by faith we trust it to be without seeing. Faith is both the dream and the crying. Faith is the assurance that the best and holiest dream is true after all. Faith in something - if only in the proposition that life is better than death - is what makes our journey through time bearable." -Frederick Buechner

If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all. -Isaiah 7:9

On Faith

2006-01-15T01:16:00.000-06:00

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.

By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.

By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That's what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.

By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.

By faith, Noah built a ship in the middle of dry land. He was warned about something he couldn't see, and acted on what he was told. The result? His family was saved. His act of faith drew a sharp line between the evil of the unbelieving world and the rightness of the believing world. As a result, Noah became intimate with God.

By an act of faith, Abraham said yes to God's call to travel to an unknown place that would become his home. When he left he had no idea where he was going. By an act of faith he lived in the country promised him, lived as a stranger camping in tents. Isaac and Jacob did the same, living under the same promise. Abraham did it by keeping his eye on an unseen city with real, eternal foundations - the City designed and built by God.

By faith, barren Sarah was able to become pregnant, old woman as she was at the time, because she believed the One who made a promise would do what he said. That's how it happened that from one man's dead and shriveled loins there are now people numbering into the millions.

Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, the could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that - heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.

By faith, Abraham, at the time of testing, offered Isaac back to God. Acting in faith, he was as ready to return the promised son, his only son, as he had been to receive him - and this after he had already been told, "Your descendents shall come from Isaac." Abraham figured that if God wanted to, he could raise the dead. In a sense, that's what happened when he received Isaac back, alive from off the altar.

...

I could go on and on, but I've run out of time. There are so many more - Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets ... Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies. Women received their loved ones back from the dead. There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless - the world didn't deserve them! - making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world.

Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours.

Do you see what this means - all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running - and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed - that exhilarating finish in and with God - he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Hebrews 11:1-19, 32-12:3 MSG

My pitiful attempt to change the world.

2005-12-06T20:35:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I hate being American. I hate being well off. I hate being spoiled. I hate having a wonderfully blessed life. I hate that my only worries are if my friends are getting along or if I have enough time to finish all my shopping for Christmas. I hate that my heart only cries when I miss my boyfriend. I hate that I'm satisfied with such a shallow life. I hate that I'm not closely affected by death and pain. I hate that I'm almost always safe. I hate that I have a warm bed, time to sleep in if I choose, and time to relax as I please. I hate that I am so lazy and so self-centered. I hate that I am so wrapped in my self that I forget there's a big, big world out there that doesn't have time to be concerned with such things. They don't even have time to worry about more than living.

I watched Invisible Children this evening. It is a documentary about children in Uganda who gathering in towns at night because it is the safest place to sleep to escape the rebels and abduction. These children, children, sleep packed in like sardines at bus verandas or a hospital, any place they can find some sense of security. They're all under-fed, psychologically-affected, and in a desperate need for attention. One man on the movie said of these children that "fear is an understatement." I saw them wading barefoot through shallow dirty water in the streets. I, a sanitary American, immediately thought of all the bacteria, gross bugs, and diseases that lie in that water. They're just trying to get to some place safe. It's amazing how fear or concern for things outside of staying alive become so miniscule for a child like that. No fears for monsters under the bed; they don't have beds. No fears of losing their mommy; many already have. No fears of someone taking their toy; they don't have much beyond the clothes on their back and the blankets they lay on. All the details of life are gone; life itself is the focus. They asked us to ask ourselves why it made us uncomfortable to see malnourished children with potbellies... I know why, because I stuffed myself with junkfood this evening. Because I waste food, because I have easy access to food at any given time (and we complain because the cafeteria always seems to be closed!), I have the money to buy food (even without a job). What the heck am I doing with myself? Why am I allowed to live in my spoiled conditions with such complacencey? Why does God allow me to be here and those children to be there? What does God feel when he sees this world in its extremities? I'm tired of being at the other extremity. I want to do something. I want to do what I can to change the world. I want to have the foolishness to think I can. I bought stuff that they were selling after the movie. And now, on my main somewhat public place where I can put my thoughts, I want to tell my readers, whomever they may be, to do something too. The thing with this program is, they don't want money. I mean, they do, but they also want peoples time and talent and action. If nothing else, they want people to share this information with more people. So this is what I'm doing. I'm telling you. And if you want more information to tell more people, go to http://www.invisiblechildren.com/ and learn more (I'm sorry, you kind of need fast internet to really get much out of this site).

Well, there it is. That's my attempt. That and I'm determined to stay up to date on news. That's another thing I'm tired of: I'm tired of not knowing what's going on in the world and being another stupid American. I want to change and I challenge you to change too.

Hallelujah Amen!

2005-12-03T22:21:00.000-06:00

The instruments tuned while the choir filed in. The excitement and anxiousness was evident throughout the entire building. It was the first performance of a new composition, and the composer rung his hands in anticipation. Would the people like it? He had important guests in his audience and he desperately wanted them to be pleased. He had spent so much time perfecting the songs and he felt it worthy for such an audience. And yet... But he knew he would always be his worst critic, so he put his thoughts of doubting out of his mind. He knew his soloists would do well and the rest were practiced and everything was near perfection.

The curtain rose, the songs began. The choir sang majestically of an anything-but-majestic birth. They sang of hope and desperation. The notes embodied the emotion of that life. Then, they reached what was meant to be the pinnacle of the performance. The choir hit their notes so intensely, everyone was moved. The most important guest, the King, was moved so greatly that he stood. The rest, showing respects to the King and the performance, followed suit. No one was really thinking about that king, however. They were thinking of the King the song was speaking of:

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

The kingdom of this world
Is become the kingdom of our Lord,
And of His Christ, and of His Christ;
And He shall reign for ever and ever,
For ever and ever, forever and ever,

King of kings and Lord of lords
King of kings and Lord of lords.
And Lord of lords,
And He shall reign,
And He shall reign forever and ever,
King of kings, forever and ever,
And Lord of lords,
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Suddenly there was a pause in the music as the last cadence approached. Everyone leaned forward, shocked by the loudness of the silence. A final hallelujah commenced. Handel turned around and saw the entirety of the audience standing in praise not for his oratorio, but for the Messiah.

I particpated in a performance of the Messiah last night and tonight. How amazing to be a part of something as moving as that. Though we weren't performing for any king of earth, our King was listening and I pray that it was a sweet, sweet sound in His ears. It was in mine!

I know that my Redeemer liveth

Memories

2005-11-20T16:23:00.000-06:00

Memories are astounding things. They just creep up on you with little forewarning. Sometimes the surprise is pleasant and sometimes not so much. I love to think back on the past and bring up things that I had completely forgotten. I love finding past journals and laughing at myself for how foolish I was. I love listening to music or watching a movie that immediately is related to a person or place. These sounds and friends are forever linked in my brain and I can never think of one without the other.

One of the most unexpected yet strongest forms of remembering is through smell. For example, the other day I was climbing the stairwell of the Larsen Fine Arts Building and smelled a mix of heater, freshly mopped floors, and a slight mustiness that immediately took me back to days at the Odon Elementary School. I haven't been in those hallways since I was 8, yet all the other senses followed suit and brought up sights and sounds that had been lost for years.

And then this weekend I stayed in a small country house in Rochester, IN. Rochelle Servis and I took a retreat to her grandparents house. I got a room/bed to myself, which was good because there wasn't space for much more than me, my lion, and my memories. The strong smell took me immediately back to an old house near Shipshewana, Indiana where my grandpa and grandma Pruitt used to live. I remember climbing the stairs to the pair beds under the slanting ceiling where my sister and I used to sleep. I remember walking downstairs in the morning to the kitchen to eat Honey Comb and homemade cinnamon raisin bread. I remember playing with Grandpa's slinky collection in the living room. I remember playing in the basement with my cousins with whatever new toy my grandpa had made or whatever new maze he had set up for us to climb through. I remember family gatherings in the side yard, kittens in the second story of the garage, the teepee in the backyard, and getting pulled around like a train behind the lawn mower. All this I remember because of a certain smell. I almost feel like I made it up; it all sounds so perfect yet so foreign compared to my present life. I guess there's a downside to memories. If you are looking back on them, it means it eventually came to an end. My grandfather has passed away, that house was sold to another family, that elementary school was closed and is now replaced by a grassy field. It makes me a little melancholy to think about such things. Melancholy is a funny word though. It means to be sad, yet it's such a beautiful word. And the same with my emotion. I'm sad, yet what would I be without the sadness of looking back on happy times? I am happy that I have something to miss. I had a wonderful childhood and I wouldn't trade a bit of it.

Essentially, I am content. I am content with my past. I am striving to be content whatever my present circumestances. And I pray to be content whatever my future may bring. Maybe one day I'll be in some random place with some random person and I'll smell a random something that will remind me of my life as it is now, and I'll smile through my melancholy feelings. Yeah, life is good. =)

"i have learned the secret of being content..."

Can You roll that stone away?

2005-11-16T19:12:00.000-06:00

So I've been a little under the weather/crazy busy lately, thus I have not posted for awhile. And I still don't really have time to post right now. However, you are in luck. I have a song that I've been singing/listening to recently, and I would like to put the words on here. I'm sorry this is not a more indepth post, but you should be used to me quoting things by now. The song itself is indepth anyway. The words have been in my head for a reason. The song is titled "Jesus..." and it's written by Rich Mullins.

Jesus,
They say You walked upon the water once
When you lived as all men do.
Please teach me how to walk the way You did
Because I want to walk with You.

Jesus,
They say you taught a lame man how to dance
When he had never stood without a crutch.
Well, here am I Lord, holding out my withered hands
And I'm just waiting to be touched.

Jesus,
Write me into Your story;
Whisper it to me,
And let me know I'm Yours

Jesus,
They say You spoke and calmed an angry wave
That was tossed across a stormy sea.
Please teach me how to listen, how to obey
'Cause there's a storm inside of me.

Jesus,
Write me into Your story;
Whisper it to me,
And let me know I'm Yours.

Jesus,
They drove the cold nails through Your tired hands
And rolled a stone to seal Your grave.
Feels like the devil's rolled a stone onto my heart.
Can You roll that stone away?

On Giving

2005-11-08T12:19:00.000-06:00

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.
And what desert greater shall there be, that that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.
-The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men."-Titus 3:1-2

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens...

2005-11-02T21:10:00.000-06:00

Let me tell you about my depression. Well, I'm not really depressed, but something has really been getting me down lately. See, I have grown up and lived my entire life up to this point with the ability to step outside my house and, unless there were heavenly obstacles, could see the Milky Way. I am a part of a privileged 10% of the population that can see the Milky Way. Now, I live in a city. There are lights everywhere. I can't even see the Big Dipper. I can see Mars almost always, but that's only because it's only 43.1 million miles away (closest ever, won't get this close again until 2018)(yes, I'm a nerd). It kills me to know all of these grand constellations are up there, and I can't see a one of them unless I drive like 15 miles, and even then the glow of the cities take over the horizons.

Tonight I was walking back to my dorm and saw Mars and started reciting one of my favorite verse to myself: "Lift your eyes and look to the heavens. Who created all these? He who brings out the starry hosts one by one and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."-Isaiah 40:26. I got sad again because they are missing to me. I know they're there, but I really can't see them. Then I realized the irony of this. See, I was walking back to the dorm by myself because I just left the CPG (Chaplain's Prayer Group) that meets in Kelley Prayer Chapel every Wednesday night. We are an elite group (haha) who volunteer to spend time in prayer for our class and the needs brought forth by our class. We have multiple pages of prayer requests. Some of these requests are hard to pray for. When you have requests ranging from a death in the family (sudden or expected), suicide, financial issues, rape, physical pains, emotional pains, job losses, unsure futures; things get a little discouraging. I've asked myself more than once why the heck I ever agreed to be in a group where I had to bring all these requests for very bad situations before God. And what words can I say that will make a difference? It's a bit of a downer. But as soon as I let those thoughts come, I immediately stop. What a privilege to have someone to bring these requests to. These people bring these requests to our group because they have concerns and they know they can bring them to us because we will be praying for them and we are bringing them before God. We are praying with them for these concerns. The sad thing is, the praise list is always so much shorter than the prayer list. And I know that people don't bring their praises to a group like us as much, but we sure appreciate them when we get them.

Sometimes as I'm going through this list I also can't help but wonder where God is working through all of this. Yeah, I see a few praises - a few stars - but there's so many bad things, so much blackness. It can be so depressing. But ya know, all the blackness makes you appreciate the stars so much. I definitely enjoy seeing billions of stars the best, but I can't always have that. But ya know, those stars/blessings are still there, even when I don't see them. They don't go away just because artificial lighting blocks my view of them. In fact they would blow those lights away if they were really compared in their mightiness. To let artificial lighting get in the way is such a shame.

Sometimes things get in the way of us seeing our blessings. But the blessings are still there. God is always blessing us, just sometimes we can't see it. God actually blesses us way way more than He needs to. Do we really need all those stars? Hardly. Yet He gave them to us. How great is our God!

Praying for these huge requests makes me count my blessings. One of those blessings is finding God in all of these experiences; trusting wholeheartedly that He will indeed hear our prayer. God IS moving. What a privilege to be a part of it!

A song has been going through my head lately...

2005-11-01T18:44:00.000-06:00

Just thought I'd share... The song is "Without Condition" by Ginny Owens:

You find this situation just a bit uncomfortable,
you'd rather stay for away from reality.
For you to understand would be clearly impossible,
so you shut your eyes and swear you can see.
Claming there is a God, does that mean anything?

So condescending to those that you don't understand,
just too easy to make them your enemies.
Like an ostrich, you bury your head in the sand,
and then shout about all the things you believe.
But if there is a God, don't you think He could see
what you really mean, what you're doing?

You can't find the answers 'til you learn to question;
you won't appear stupid, just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception,
so stop and listen and learn a lesson in love without condition.

So place all the souls that you know in their own little box,
quite convenient to handle them that way.
You're the only one you know who carries a cross;
you don't care what they care about anyway.
And you talk to your God, prayin' for those who sin,
for their eyes to be opened.

You can't find the answers 'til you learn to question;
you won't appear stupid, just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception,
so stop and listen and learn a lesson in love without condition.

Daylight Savings, my foot

2005-10-30T21:59:00.000-06:00

25-hour days suck.

Amazing Grace

2005-10-30T14:34:00.000-06:00

I had a kind of hard weekend. I made some poor decisions and was forced to learn some very difficult lessons. One thing that I learned is how ironic it is that it's so much easier for God to forgive me than it is for me to forgive myself. Dealing with the consequences of my actions is difficult as it is, but even more is just openly accepting forgiveness that I don't deserve at all. I've heard people say that they can't be Christians because they've done too many bad things and God couldn't/wouldn't forgive them. I always thought that was absurd when you think about who God chooses to be his people. Like Moses, for example. For goodness sake, he killed a man! God picked a murderer to be at the core of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. And honestly, I haven't killed a man, nor do I plan on killing a man. Yet, still my own bad decisions seem all too big for God to forgive. I guess maybe I partly feel like I'm treating situations lightly by just accepting forgiveness and moving on. Seriously, shouldn't I have to reap the consequences and punishment that go along with the actions I took? Shouldn't I have to pay something or say certain words or do something to make it okay? How many 'Hail Mary's do you think I need to say to make this okay? (haha, j/k, inside joke) Yet I don't. I just need to be genuinely sorry, which I am. And now I deal with the earthly consequences, which are relatively non-existant. Relatively.

I guess through this all it has made me very appreciative of the grace that I receive and the promise that God does indeed forgive and forget when I ask. I just wish my memory could be wiped clean so easily.

Ever feel like God?

2005-10-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

So I was talking to my roommate Raina yesterday and she was sharing with me about a friend from home whom she is worried about. This friend has done many various things that Raina wholeheartedly disagrees with. She doesn't understand why she chose these things when they grew up in the same setting, in church. Raina chose one path, her friend chose another. I saw the discouragement and concern Raina had as she talked about this close friend who she knew was not where Raina knew she needed to be, namely, in God's will. This biggest thing she talked about was how she hated knowing that this friend was missing out on so much by pursuing what seemed so cool. And she just doesn't get it. In the middle of Raina sharing, it hit me that this is exactly how God feels. Only He feels moreso. I also commented that it makes me really not want to stray from God because I don't want to cause the same hurt and disappointment that I feel when I see my non-Christian friends missing out on so much. Raina was personifying God's yearning for the lost. The only difference was Raina wasn't directly being rejected, whereas God is being shot down over and over again.

Sadly, I too have recently experienced something similar that helped me to feel God's pain. And, okay, this may make some of you laugh because this is such an ongoing issue, and it used to make me laugh too. Anymore, it just makes me sad. Okay, so there's this thing called facebook that's an online profile-type thing for college kids and you can add people from your school or other schools as friends and look at their profiles and stuff. It's just a fun way to keep track of friends (or strangers, if that's what is desired). Well, I experienced a rejection when I asked someone to be my friend on facebook. From my brother. Now facebook doesn't directly tell you when you've been rejected, it just says that the confirmation is 'pending.' And though I just tried to add him again, it told me that an old confirmation is still pending. I read when I first got facebook about the confirmation/rejection process, and for a confirmation to remain pending for a long time means one of two things: 1) this person has not been on facebook and has not done anything, one way or the other with your request, or 2) this person has rejected you and facebook doesn't want to tell you. I held on to a hope for awhile that the former was the case, but I saw on a mutual friend's profile that my brother posted a comment on her 'wall.' He has been on facebook. I can conclude nothing else but that he has rejected me. I know I shouldn't necessarily take it personally, but what else should I do with it? I wrote him an email and asked him how things were going in his life and stuff and mentioned something about facebook, but I have not received a response and that was over 2 weeks ago I'd say. I'm tired of not having a friendship with my brother. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to be a martyr in this situation, but I feel like I've put myself out there a lot, similar to what God does for all of us, and I've been rejected. Before it was small rejections that I just blew off. I suppose this is a small rejection too, but that doesn't change the fact that it is a rejection. I'm sure he didn't mean to.... I don't know what to say; he did mean to. He made a choice, and I guess he's just not ready to let his sister into his life yet.

But I've gotten caught up in the one side of the analogy. As Anonymous once said (ha), "Whosoever walks toward God one cubit, God runs toward him twain." God's standing there, constantly putting Himself out there, and all He wants is for you to take a small step toward Him. It would mean all the world to Him, even a little step. Remember this whether you're in the place where you need to take that step or you have a burden for someone to take that step. And never give up hope that that step can be or will be taken.

"...[Love] always hopes..." ~1 Corinthians 13:7

"The Sun" by Mary Oliver

2005-10-17T18:40:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen
anything
in your life
more wonderful

than the way the sun
every evening,
relaxed and easy,
floats toward the horizon

and into the clouds or the hills,
or the rumpled sea,
and is gone-
and how it slides again

out of the blackness,
every morning,
on the other side of the world,
like a red flower

streaming upwards on its heavenly oils,
say, on a morning in early summer,
at its perfect imperial distance-
and have you ever felt for anything

such wild love-
do you think there is anywhere, in any language
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure

that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you

as you stand there,
empty-headed
or have you too
turned from this world-

or have you too
gone crazy
for power
for things?

The answer to all your questions...

2005-10-16T01:27:00.000-05:00

So I was looking through my quote book this evening and I found this page that had some verses that had been entered at different times, yet seem to go quite well together. I feel like God's trying to get a point across. This is how it reads:

Be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days. Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. -Ephesians 5:15-17 (NLT)

This is what the Lord your God wants you to do: Respect the Lord and do what he has told you to do. Love him. Serve the Lord your God with your whole being.-Deuteronomy 10:12 (NCV)

In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success. -Proverbs 3:6 (LB)

It all kind of goes in a circle. I love how these verses really shoot it to you straigh (I'm not gonna lie about it). There are no pretty words in these verses, only strong commands with direct statements. They're even pretty short sentences. Yet the ideas behind it are so hard. It reminds me of something I read in My Utmost for His Highest:

"You no more need a holiday from spiritual concentration than your heart needs a break from beating. You cannot have a moral holiday and remain moral, nor can you have a spiritual holiday and remain spiritual. God wants you to be entirely His, and this means that you have to watch to keep yourself fit. It takes a tremendous amount of time."

To live an active Christian life isn't really easy. It takes time and energy and selflessness; however, is that such a bad thing? Sure it's hard, but I think Christianity is a prefect opportunity to actually accomplish good things in the world. In the same way that I'm realizing that everything God commanded us to do is for our own good, I think everything God commanded us to do is also for the good of others. Loving your enemies is hard, but it serves a purpose in your life and in the life of your enemy. Caring for the widowed meets their needs but also brings purpose and fulfillment to your life, besides what each individual circumstance and person could teach you along the way. Praying for other people makes you get outside yourself and puts your own desires in perspective plus it encourages them to know someone cares enough to pray for them and that there's a God who's listening. Making circumcision a part of the basic commitment to God in the Old Testament made you prove your willingness to serve Him no matter what, and it kept the men healthier. God's really just looking out for what's best for us, even in commanding us to do stuff as hard as doing good in evil days, serving him with your whole being, and putting God first in your life.

Anyway, it always makes me smile to see those verses that happen to be together on the page, like God's wanting to tell me something. Or maybe He's wanting to tell you something through me. Who knows, really? As 1 Timothy 4:7 says (LB), "Spend your time and energy in the exercises of keeping spiritually fit," but not just for yourself, but for those around you whom you may influence. Take the time to do something for others. And God will crown your efforts with success; those around you will indeed be served. Isn't that the best measure of success?

How Great Thou Art

2005-10-05T23:32:00.000-05:00

I learned something today. Well, I learned a lot of things (I am in college after all!). One thing I was reminded of today was how big God is. Often I get so focused on the daily walk that I forget about the beginning. I hate it when people spend their entire Christian life praising God for saving them but seem to never move past the salvation into the walk and relationship. Yet I forget so often to remember that God did indeed send His Son to die for me -me, a sinner- and he does desire a relationship with me. The Creator desires a relationship with the creation. Though I am in the relationship, I forget to marvel at that very fact. I was reminded again of one of my pet peeves -bad worship songs. There's one in particular that is relevant to this. It talks about how worthy God is to receive our child-like faith, our honest praise, and our unashamed love. How dare we talk about God's worthiness, as if that's an issue. The thing we should be singing to God about and thanking Him for is the fact that He accepts our child-like faith, our honest praise, and our unashamed love. How unworthy are we to have the opportunity to have those things. What are we talking about God's worthiness? Tonight I went to the Wednesday night service that I normally attend and I've decided that I can't go anymore. I've stood silently frustrated through too many of the worship songs. Whether it be the distraction (absurdities) of the concert-like colored lights, or, more often, the presence of words that either don't make sense, don't really mean anything, or have blatant bad theology. Tonight we ironically 'rocked out' to the words "Not to us but to your Name be the glory." To me it seems the only way to live those words is to stop singing. Yet tonight the music was heavy, the lights were flashing, and nothing seemed to actually exemplify these words. We just sang those words over and over again. I just kept thinking, "Okay I get the point that it's not about us. How about we stop singing about how it's not about us and sing about what it really is about?" All these worship services seem to be about us and feeding our senses. It's a lot more about our worship instead of Who we're worshipping. It's sad, I was so eager to sing worship to God tonight, but I found that atmosphere to be unconducive to true selfless worship. Now this is personal; I'm sure there were people there that were genuinely worshipping.

I, however, got to enjoy a time earlier today when I did get to worship. It was during this time that my epiphany about forgetting my roots came about. I was in Kelley Prayer Chapel on campus and was by myself until a guy walked in (which made me sad at first; I like having the Chapel to myself!). He asked me if I minded if he played the piano, which I told him to go for it. While I finished reading what I was reading, he played a song I didn't recognize. Then he reached for the hymnal (Sorry Mom, don't disown me please ;) ) and played The Old Rugged Cross and How Great Thou Art. And since I know all the words to those songs, I sang along quietly. This is my worshipping atmosphere. This guy didn't play the piano perfectly by any means, he didn't know me, I didn't know him. There was no format to be followed, there was no crowd to please, no people to impress. For a little while we got to worship our Savior together. I soon had to leave to take a calculus test (:P) and I'm sure he stayed and played for awhile longer. The peace I received from being able to sit there and calm my heart and soul while giving up my bodily desire to eat stayed with me all day. I love vocally worshipping God, but I think I worship Him the most genuinely when I stop singing and silence my spirit. I know everyone worships in different ways and I definitely respect that and am willing to accomodate for other people's worship. I'm just going to have to go to Kelley Prayer Chapel to get my true worship fill. I'm so glad that God is big enough to accept and understand all types of worship, as long as it's genuine. So I guess to sum it all up I just want to praise God for accepting me and loving me and allowing me to find a way to truly worship Him. I think I'll end with a verse from How Great Thou Art.

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee.
How great Thou art! How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee.
How great Thou art! How great Thou art!

That pesky lil thing

2005-09-27T11:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay, God's been trying to make a point. I knew this point but forgot it for a little while. Here's what I've been reading and what I was also reminded of. I feel like it pretty much explains itself...

"When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."
-James 3:3-12

"Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small." -4th Precept of Buddhism, Living Buddha Living Christ, Thich Naht Hanh.

Happy full moon!

2005-09-18T00:51:00.000-05:00

The air was thick and still and cool
The earth was slowly spinning
The stars were bright and new
I saw you there in the beginning

And I hung the moon for you

I heard your every cry
I knew the rhythm of your laughter
And how my heart was torn in two
By all that would come after

Still I hung the moon for you

Don't think twice
Lean against the wind
It's alrightI'm holding on to you

So rest and dream though I don't slumber
Know I'm dreaming with you
With a heart so full of tenderness
And love and wonder for you

That I hung the moon for you

-Hung the Moon by Kate Miner

Victory In Jesus, Old Rugged Cross, Glorious Freedom, etc.

2005-09-16T01:35:00.000-05:00

Tonight I had the greatest opportunity thus far of my college experience. College Church held an Old Fashion Hymn Sing. I honestly did not stop smiling the entire time. It was so wonderful to pull out the hymnal and sing all the classics. And what made it even better was the presence of maybe 15 college kids and like 50 senior adults. It was so beautiful. We sang some classic hymns then they took requests. People were literally standing up and yelling out their favorite hymn number to out-shout the other people so their hymn would get picked to sing in the limited time we had. And then we had to only sing the first verse of most of the songs to fit in as many as possible. It's amazing to see the passion of people when it comes to hymns. This minority has kind of gotten silenced in a lot of churches, but those hymns really are amazing. And frankly I was even happy to be singing ones that I never really cared for or heard before. Here at Olivet my friends and I have been trying different Nazarene churches in the community, and none have hit the spot. I think they are all trying so hard to be contemporary and post-modern that they leave behind some things that are important, like tradition. I once heard the quote that "authentic worship is multicultural." Ya know, there's a huge culture gap really between the old and the young, and I wholeheartedly believe in having a mix of both of those, besides other cultures.

I think this experience was my best yet at college, though ironically I think I loved it so much because it reminded me of home. There's something about a home church, despite its dysfunction and frustrations, that just can't be replaced, no matter how new and comteporary and big a church you can find. I've decided the characteristic that I want to find in a church here that will keep me there is blatant imperfection. I'm tired of seeing perfect churches because those don't actually exist. A small, dysfunctional church that I can actually take part in and make a difference in is what I'm looking for. Because that's what I had at home. I don't even care what denomination it is. I just wish there were more Sundays so I could try more churches. I've been to 3 and I still have 4 more that I want to try. I'm never going to get settled into a church it seems.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the words to a hymn we sang tonight. Haven't sang this one in forever, but it's so beautiful and it's what I needed to hear. It's called He Giveth More Grace:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater;
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase.
To added affliction He addeth His mercy;
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit;
His grace has no measure.
His pow'r has no boundary known unto men.
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limit;
His grace has no measure.
His pow'r has no boundary known unto men.
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

Oh for grace to trust Him more.

Quote of homeless student

2005-09-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

I finally got the full quote... here it is.

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers and superficial relationships, so that you will live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, so that you will work for jutice, equality, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you will reach out your hand to comfort them and change their pain into joy. And may God bless you with the foolishness to think that you can make a differernce in the world, so that you will do the things which others tell you cannot be done.

Things greater than me

2005-09-13T12:04:00.000-05:00

I received this email this morning and I really wanted to share the blessing with those of you who are not freshmen at Olivet. I feel so proud to be able to say that I am a part of this class at this college. Here is the email:

Good Morning fellow freshmen! My name is Michael Dixon and you have recently elected me to represent you before the ASC Council on behalf of the freshman class. However, that is not why I am writing you. I would like to take a moment to share a few things with you. Last week, I received word that my sixteen year old brother had been in a terrible accident. As time progressed, I heard that the situation was pretty severe. With him being in the hospital nearly five hours away I knew that the best thing to do was to come to the Lord in prayer. Several guys and girls came and prayed with me on behalf of my brother. God was in that place and he began working miracles in this situation. As we continued to meet this past week, we found out that brain surgery wasn't necessary, my dad received Christ into his life, my brother came home from the hospital Saturday, and on Sunday went to church, and re-committed his life to the Lord. What a huge answer to prayer. In the midst of tragedy, if we come to him in prayer and we seek his will in all of it, he will send his grace, mercy, and peace.Through all of this, God has raised up a freshman group of people that have committed to prayer twice a week. This group over the last week has grown by three times it's original size. God is using this group to spark a revival on this campus and in the freshman class.

I know that what you don't want is something else to fill your schedule or another required chapel service or bible study. Here's the deal though.. what else is more important in this world? Didn't God call us to go and spread the word? Didn't he tell us not to store up worldly treasures but those treasures in heaven? I know we have homework, dates, and other activities but when we put God first he will stretch your time and give back to you. Everything else will fall into place.

The group is called the Disciples Of the Garden of Gethsemane or DOGG. We are committed to a time of intense prayer and praise and worship every Tuesday and Thursday in the Kelley Prayer Chapel.

Anyone interested can contact me at extension 7863 or my cellular 636-262-9741. My email is mdixon@olivet.edu Pray about it and if you feel God is sending you in this direction I would encourage you to follow that call. It is wonderful when you are following the direction of the Holy Spirit in your life. God will bless you in so many ways. I encourage you to follow up with the reading of God's word: Matthew 26:39 John 3:30 John 7:37-38

Respectfully,

Michael R. Dixon Jr.
Your Brother in Christ

Earlier this week (yesterday, actually) I was in intro to poli sci with Dr. Van Heemst (DVH) and we (finally) started the first chapter of the book and learned about political science. However, I was learning about a lot more than political science. Something that he said that has stuck with me is this: "If you want to have meaning in life, be a part of some cause that's bigger than yourself." I keep thinking about how selfish my view on my time here at college is when really this is an awesome opportunity to try new ministries. He talked about what your motivation in life is and that we should identify what will endure. Aka God's Kingdom. As a part of God's Kingdom, we should be playing an active role (whatever that may mean for you) in this life. That means taking part in feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, giving shelter to the homeless, giving money to the poor, doing anything possible for those suffering from Hurrican Katrina, and most of all praying for all of the above. I felt really convicted about my complacencey when it comes to problems outside of my own life and my microsystem. And there are so many opportunities available. Another thing DVH read in class Friday was what an Olivet student wrote after, along with a group of about 20 students, he spent a week identifying with homelessness by living on the street, begging for food, and not showering (though he still went to classes). He asked God for discomfort with easy answers and shallow relationships and for the foolishness to think that you can change the world. It's when people get jaded and start thinking they can't change the entire world that they stop changing the world for even one person. And it's on that small level that is where it's at.

I'm really not sure what ministry I'm going to get into, though I'm starting out in small ways. I think part of the point though is not necessarily what I'm doing, but that I'm doing it and doing it with a willing heart. I love that Michael Dixon shared his testimony with the entire class and that this spontaneous prayer meeting has erupted in our class. It's things like that where we get together and get past our own lives that things really happen. And God's going to provide the abilities and opportunities for you. One thing that our chapel speaker, Doug Porter, said this morning was that "you are a failure if you don't use the abilities God gave you." I think God calls us partly by giving us specific talents and abilities and it's when those aren't used that we fail God and mankind and ourselves.

So I've been inspired to get off my bum and try to have an impact on the world outside of me. What has God called you to do for someone else today?

"I am just a pencil in God's hand." -Mother Teresa

Enough

2005-09-11T01:13:00.000-05:00

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You're my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

Exercising

2005-09-06T23:55:00.000-05:00

So people here are so hardcore about exercising. Of course I'm getting random invites to go jogging and weight lifting and such, and I'm working real hard to resist. But on one hand I keep getting reminded of what was said on Legally Blonde: "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't." I don't want to kill my future husband, whomever that may be! :) Anyway, I don't know how long I'll be able to avoid exercise. I also keep getting reminded of something Frederick Buechner says about jogging:

[Jogging] is supposed to be good for the heart, the lungs, the muscles, and physical well-being generally. It is also said to produce a kind of euphoria known as joggers' high.

The look of anguish and despair that contorts the faces of most of the people you see huffing and puffing away at it by the side of the road, however, is striking. If you didn't know directly from them that they are having the time of their lives, the chances are you wouldn't be likely to guess it.

I guess I should take advantage of any chance I get to have the time of my life, but I'm just not sure that'd really be the time of my life. I guess my longing to avoid exercise is actually a longing to avoid conventional, boring exercise, such as the above said jogging. I do find myself exercising through other venues, however. I walk at "Amanda and Sondra" speed, rather than "Megan and Raina" speed and that very much counts as exercise. And tonight I did achieve a high level of activity through the simplicity of dancing in the dorm room. (shhh! I'm a good Nazarene, I am!) Nothing like moving to "Foot Loose" to get all your muscles going. We also exercise regularly (constantly) through the form of laughter. My roommate was literally sore on Sunday because she laughed so hard the day before. The entire week before, rather. And we haven't really stopped since. I've never known someone to be sore because of laughing, but I guess it is possible. Laughter really is the best medicine.

So though I do not commit to a full rigorous exercise program, I do commit to exercising as much as possible and through as many practical ways as possible. Maybe I'll go to the blasted gym orientation after all. Who knows, maybe I'll build up lots of crazy muscle and be a highly-endorphined, mad jogger person. I think in reality though I'm most likely going to end up enduring the most ab-building activities while laughing with friends. And what better way to accomplish it?

I hope you had the time of your life...

To be truthful

2005-09-04T13:42:00.000-05:00

So I'm here at college and I'm loving it. And I've really been striving towards giving my time and energies to God first and foremost this semester. I know this should be one's constant goal, but I'm really working on focusing on that so much right now, to the point of partial or full exclusion of other things, such as sleep, relationships, entertainment, etc. I'm so excited about having a good set of priorities, yet I find that my priorities aren't quite what I think they are. Yes, I want God first my life, but for what reason? Yes, I want to worship God with my mouth and hands in a worship service, but where really is my heart? Yes, I want to read my Bible and gain knowledge about God's will, but do I really? I find there are different layers within me and they're not entirely consistent with each other. I fear that this is becoming more of a shallow longing while on the true, deep inside I'm actually just wanting to be a showy, superficial, complacently shallow Christian that looks good to others around me. It reminded me of something I read that C.S. Lewis once wrote:

All this is fleshy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through.
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.
Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek.
I cannot crave one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek-
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

I keep reading this and feel a twinge of familiarity every time. Maybe I just want to be a good Christian so others can look up to me and tell me what a great person I am. Maybe, being at Olivet, I just want to be a Christian so I fit in better. Sometimes I feel so very self-righteous. Things are going so well here, maybe I'm just trying to find something wrong so I can have something to worry about. Yet if I didn't worry about if I was genuinely close to God or not, maybe I would stop being close to him all together. Not saying that I should sit here and be a worrier, because I know God called us to a better life than that.

I guess I just want to get this out that I am not perfect. I have been blessed like crazy in this life with wonderful friends and family and great opportunities and most importantly the chance to be in a relationship with a loving God. But I've messed up lots. And will continue to mess up lots.
But, like Frederick Buechner says, "Yes, I'm a fool, hypocrite, weirdo, but God in his mercy chose me to present himself to you." I'm so glad God chooses the losers to be His people, or else we'd all be screwed.

At church this morning we sang "Power of Your Love" (which brought back quite pleasant memories of my Impact days) and I wanted to post the lyrics on here as a kind of prayer of mine.

Lord, I come to You,
Let my heart be changed, renewed,
Flowing from the grace,
That I found in You
Lord, I've come to know,
The weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away,
By the power of Your love

Hold me close,
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near,
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your Love

Lord unveil my eyes,
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love,
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind,
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day,
In the power of Your Love

let my heart be changed

In response...

2005-08-30T17:20:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to respond to the comment on the previous post, as I feel this is a topic that can't be left just at that. So for the rest of you, before you read this blog, read the previous blog and comment if you want to know what the heck I'm talking about. :)

First off, thanks Andrew for commenting and not letting me get away with that simple response to evil. There is more it than that, you're right. And I'm sorry that I quoted someone saying something before researching and making sure that what they said was actually accurate. I also apologize for quoting something ending in a spot that I understand and then presuming that it's clear to everyone else that reads this. There is more to it than trusting that God can turn it to good. That is exactly what we need to do, but there are things that follow that, and that was not talked about.

However, I also can't just let lay what you said because I don't think it's quite accurate either. This is one area that I can actually argue with you on. =) Never ever is faith in God inactivity. God has never called us to be inactive in anything - our lives, His plan, nor battling evil. Having faith that God's going to take care of it does not mean that we sit there and wait for him to take care of it. We're actively working with Him, for Him, in conquering evil. You say that we can get rid of evil by pursuing good instead of evil. Yeah, exactly. God is good. So we do what He says, which includes things like love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6). This is what God says to do about evil. Trust that what He says is going to work and that good will come in the end. And what he says to do is to counteract all evil forces with so much good and love that it just goes away.

And that doesn't really comfort at all honestly to help some parents dealing with their raped child. God is loving and comforting, but He still stands His ground about how to respond to evil. And, the truth of it all, is He tells you to love your enemies for your own good. If you don't listen to him you'll return evil to evil and end up a bitter and angry, and frankly you just won't live as long because happy people live longer. But beyond that, God wants you to live the fullest and best life possible, and that's why he gives all those guidelines. He's just looking out for our best interest. It's really amazing to look at everything He commands of us and realize what benefit it is to us. I find it a comfort to know that no matter what comes, no matter who is to blame for the evil, how God tells me to respond to things helps me and will hopefully help those around me. And I've actually been in a situation with a person two times in a row. The first time I returned evil with evil and I myself became bitter and held a grudge. The second time I was determined to do what God told me to do in the situation, and though it actually made this person meaner to me for awhile because it made them even madder that I wouldn't respond in hate, I was released of any hurt feelings or anger towards this person. In fact, our relational issues resolved a lot quicker and our friendship was a lot smoother and more genuine after I acted in love toward that person. So I have been in a situation twice where I acted two different ways and saw the two different outcomes. God wasn't really concerned in helping me to avoid mean comments. He was concerned with helping me to have inner peace. And I had faith that God was working in that situation, through me and maybe through others, and that everything was going to turn out for good. I, however, played a very active role in that situation. I would dare to say that inactivity is almost the opposite of trusting God.

I do find genuine comfort in knowing that, using the cross as a perfect example, everything based on God works for good for those that love him. But it's not through just sitting back and waiting for Him to move, it's through moving with Him. That's what comforts me.

Evil

2005-08-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

I hope you all don't get tired of Frederick Buechner, cuz I sure don't! He just has a way with words and putting ideas into perspective that make everything better and easier. So here goes, about the ways of Evil:

-God is all-powerful.
-God is all-good.
-Terrible things happen.

You can reconcile any two of these propositions with each other, but you can't reconcile all three. The problem of evil is perhaps the greatest single problem for religious faith.

There have been numerous theological and philosophical attempts to solve it, but when it comes down to the reality of evil itself they are none of them worth much. When a child is raped and murdered, the parents are not apt to take much comfort from the explanation (better than most) that since God wants man to love him, man must be free to love or not to love and thus free to rape and murder a child if he takes a notion to.

Christian Science solves the problem of evil by saying that it does not exist except as an illusion of mortal mind. Buddhism solves it in terms of reincarnation and an inexorable law of cause and effect whereby the raped child is merely reaping the consequences of evil deeds it committed in another life.

Christianity, on the other hand, ultimately offers no theoretical solution at all. It merely points to the cross and says that, practically speaking, there is no evil so dark and so obscene - not even this - but that God can turn it to good.

Amen

Wow

2005-08-26T21:50:00.000-05:00

I leave for college tomorrow. I packed some of my belongings and loaded it up. And now I'm leaving in 10 hours. I'm spending my last hours with Kellie Koverman. It's wonderful. :)

I don't know how much I will post while I'm at college, but I know I'll be learning lots that I would love to post and share with all of you. But I will be home to share and learn from you all soon. I have appreciated your support on this site. What I tried to avoid for so long (a blog) has become quite the blessing to me. Keeps me motivated and keeps my eyes open to things that I know other people would enjoy.

So keep up your own sites so I can check them and know what's going on in your lives, even if I'm not as near you as I used to be.

I love you all :) Thanks for being such a blessing in my life. I've been fighting a big head off these past few weeks with all the appreciation I've been feeling from all of you. :) Thanks again for spoiling me as your friend, and I love you all very very much. So long and goodnight. :)

Why I like hymns

2005-08-20T10:35:00.000-05:00

This Sunday is the last Sunday I will be home before I go to college, and I have the privilege to lead the worship one last time. Man, I'm going to miss it. I'm really wondering if God has called me to do this more in the future because I absolutely love it. Anyway, I found it kind of ironic today as I was looking through songs. I generally mix it up with the choruses and hymns, but I usually tend to have mostly choruses, naturally, since I am a teenager and those are of my generation. However, today I was really struggling to find choruses to mix in because every hymn I was finding was so amazing, any choruses seemed like it was just fluff. I did eventually get a decent balance, though the hymns are still dominating. So I keep coming back to this one song most every time I lead music. I try to not lead it too often because it's a pretty intense song, but it's just so astounding, I feel like everyone needs to read the lyrics and have this as their prayer. Man, you think contemporary songs are convicting and old hymns are out of touch, that is very very much not true, and this song alone proves it. It's called "Thou Whose Purpose Is to Kindle." It has the same tune as "Our Great Savior" and "Come, Thou Long-expected Jesus" if you know that tune and want to sing the song in your head. So enjoy, and feel the conviction pour over you. :)

Thou, whose purpose is to kindle,
Now ignite us with Thy fire;
While the earth awaits Thy burning,
With The passion us inspire.
Overcome our sinful calmness;
Rouse us with redemptive shame.
Baptize with Thy fi’ry Spirit;
Crown our lives with tongues of flame.

Thou, who in Thy holy gospel
Wills that man should truly live,
Make us sense our share of failure;
Our tranquility forgive.
Teach us courage as we struggle
In all liberating strife;
Lift the smallness of our vision
By Thine own abundant life.

Thou, who still a sword delivers
Rather than a placid peace,
With Thy sharpened Word disturb us;
From complacency release!
Save us now from satisfaction
When we privately are free,
Yet are undisturbed in spirit
By our brother’s misery.

Feelin' it yet?

And the rest of the story...

2005-08-14T19:40:00.000-05:00

Here's the other daily meditation by Frederick Buechner. It's titled "Abortion."

Speaking against abortion, someone has said, "No one should be denied access to the great feast of life," to which the rebuttal, obviously enough, is that life isn't much of a feast for the child born to people who don't want it or can't afford it or are one way or another incapable of taking care of it and will one way or another probably end up abusing it or abandoning it.

And yet, and yet. Who knows what treasure life may hold for even such a child as that, or what a treasure even such a child as that may grow up to become? To bear a child even under the best of circumstances, or to abort a child even under the worst - the risks are hair-raising either way and the results incalculable.

How would Jesus himself decide, he who is hailed as Lord of Life and yet who says that it is not the ones who, like an abortionist, can kill the body we should fear but the ones who can kill body and soul together the way only the world into which it is born can kill the unloved, unwanted child (Matthew 10:28)?

There is perhaps no better illustration of the truth that in an imperfect world there are no perfect solutions. All we can do, as Luther said, is sin bravely, which is to say (a) know that neither to have the child nor not to have the child is without the possiblity of tragic consequences for everybody yet (b) be brave in knowing also that not even that can put us beyond the forgiving love of God.

For once, a view on abortion I agree with.

I heart Frederick Buechner

2005-08-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

So there's a reason why my Daily Meditations with Frederick Buechner have only one thing per day. To read any more per day is almost too amazing. I missed yesterday's meditation so I read two today, and they were both so good. Every thing I read by him just constantly amazes me. So I want to share today the one from yesterday... It's titled Alcoholics Anonymous

Alcoholics Anonymous or A.A. is the name of a group of men and women who acknowledge that addiction to alcohol is ruining their lives. Their purpose in coming together is to give it up and help others do the same. They realize they can't pull this off by themselves. They believe they need each other, and they believe they need God. The ones who aren't so sure about God speak instead of their Higher Power.

When they first start talking at a meeting, they introduce themselves by saying, "I am John. I am an alcoholic," "I am Mary. I am an alcoholic," to which the rest of the group answers each time in unison, "Hi, John," "Hi, Mary." They are apt to end with the Lord's Prayer or the Srenity Prayer. Apart from that they have no ritual. They have no hierarchy. They have no dues or budget. They do not advertise or proselytize. Having no buildings of their own, they meet wherever they can.

Nobody lectures them, and they do not lecture each other. They simply tell their own stories with the candor that anonymity makes possible. They tell where they went wrong and how day by day they are trying to go right. They tell where they find the strength and understanding and hope to keep trying. Sometimes one of them will take special responsibility for another - to be available at any hour of day or night if the need arises. There's not much more to it than that, and it seems to be enough. Healing happens. Miracles are made.

You can't help thinking that something like this is what the Church is meant to be and maybe once was before it got to be Big Business. Sinners Anonymous. "I can will what is right but I cannot do it," is the way Saint Paul put it, speaking for all of us. "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do" (Romans 7:19).

"I am me. I am a sinner."

"Hi, you."

Hi, every Sadie and Sal. Hi, every Tom, Dick, and Harry. It is the forgiveness of sins, of course. It is what the Church is all about.

No matter what far place alcoholics end up in, either in this country or virtually anywhere else, they know that there will be an A.A. meeting nearby to go to and that at that meeting they will find strangers who are not strangers to help and to heal, to listen to the truth and to tell it. That is what the Body of Christ is all about.

Would it ever occur to Christians in a far place to turn to a church nearby in hope of finding the same? Would they find it? If not, you wonder what is so Big about the Church's Business.

Can I do this?

2005-08-08T19:11:00.000-05:00

So I already posted once today, but I have more than one thing to post about, so I don't know if I should post twice or not, but I'm going to anyway. So make sure you read both. =D

This morning while sitting in my doctor's office waiting room (had to make sure I'm healthy enough to go to college) I was reading Romans 7. I've been reading Romans for awhile now, and I find myself almost constantly confused. Paul is such a theologian. And so much of what he says goes so far over my head. Some of what he is saying reminded me of myself though - he seems to overanalyze every aspect of things. I enjoyed Romans 7 today though because of how intensely confusing it is. And how intensely frustrated Paul seemed to be while writing it. It was especially confusing to me though too because the only Bible I could attain was a King James version. Wow. So this is the passage that talks about doing what I shouldn't, not doing what I should, and more do-do everywhere. I can almost see Paul as he starts writing (dictating?) faster and faster as the voice in his head gets more determined and louder and convicting. Finally he stops writing and cries out, "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" And then he answers immediately: "Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" I love how all the convolutions of the Old Testament that were still trying to hold on to him and all the confusion that I feel in reading about it are immediately scattered by just the name of Jesus. That's something I understand. All my struggles, all my overanalysis of theology to a point of confusion, all my questions can be dispersed through Jesus. He's all that's needed to take away the bondage of sin, the bondage to law, and the bondage of a religion. He brought in a relationship; he brought in love and compassion and understanding. He didn't abolish the law completely though. The law doesn't save us, but it still stands to help us recognize our sin (Romans 3:20). The tricky thing is though that Jesus did do somethings that the Pharisees considered sin (healing on the Sabbath, touching an unclean leper, etc.), and he proved that it's not about following rules. It's about following God. I'm so glad my life is being spent for Jesus instead of for a rulebook. He's a lot more helpful in taking away my confusion, rather than adding to it. Thank you God for rescuing me from this body of death that I would be living in if it wasn't for you sending Jesus.

Jesus is the sweetest name I know...

My tree hugging experience

2005-08-08T18:22:00.000-05:00

Went for a walk today. I could've cried. My beautiful canopy of solitude has been ruined. On one side of the gravel road there's still the mysterious and ever attractive woods. On the other side trees have been trimmed a ways back to accommodate the power lines, so now there is this ruinous valley of dead trees that runs alongside my road. Also, on both sides of the road we've been gaining new NO TRESPASSING signs for each piece of property. I almost felt like a Native American trying to enjoy the earth and all its wonders, but being saddened by the disruption of stupid Europeans who think land can be bought and owned. Though my broken land is on a much smaller scale and is already owned by someone who has full rights to do as he pleases with it, I still felt a little ache. It reminded me of something I had read just earlier today that Frederick Buechner said: "There is the slow poisoning of what we call 'the environment' of all things as if with that absurdly antiseptic phrase we can conceal from ourselves that what we are really poisoning is home, is here, is us."

So I keep walking and try to only look to one side (past the beer cans left along the side of the road, the beautiful side) when I get to a crick where it is customary to stop and enjoy it's waters and view. I've never ventured down this creek; I've always stuck to the road when it comes to this property. I don't have much of an idea where it leads or how it gets there, but maybe that's what I like about it. Being in early August, much of it was dried up; its waters were dirty and thorns had grown up all around it to make it untouchable. But everything surrounding it was very much alive. I closed my eyes so I could imagine that I was still under my canopy and in my safe-haven, still very untouched by the world. Silence could not be found. It was glorious. Birds were singing in every tree. My dogs panted heavily as they stood beside me or walked around. I yearned for the quiet that came when my dogs swallowed because it was then that I could faintly hear the trickle of water that leaked into this little creek. I moved from my sense of hearing to my sense of touch. The hairs on my neck and arms were alert and ready to accept any breeze that might pass, but the humidity stood firm and strong and no relief came. It wouldn't be August in Indiana without it. Yet the air was sweet. Maybe it was the moisture all around, or maybe it was the aromatic trees and plants. Either way it refreshed even without movement. I opened my eyes to see the creek before me. I saw what I had already known were my dogs at my sides, ecstatic to be led on a walk, though I rarely lead them anywhere; I'm simply a motivation. They seemed bored to be stuck in one spot, yet I wasn't keeping them there. I started to think that maybe they too were for once appreciating the tranquility of this scenery versus what was behind us. The fallen logs and branches were much more eye catching. Who wants to look at a little podunk crick when there are trees down to explore and scour for excitement? Things were different there, there had been change. Yet it is consistency and simple, almost ugly, beauty that I have come to appreciate more than anything. I turned back and began walking home, not seeing the barrenness to my left, but feeling the beauty of nature in my heart.